I know I can't find it. Is there ever really going to be a time that I will find a way to be happy? I am so sick and tired of my life right now. I'm so sick of taking care of my dad. I know this sounds terrible, but I just can't stand it anymore. It's the trade off of not being able to afford a place of my own for me and my daughter. I'm just so sick of cleaning up after him ALL the time. I'm sick of testing his blood every darned day and night, preparing his shot, administering eye drops, and putting all his meds together and making sure he takes them. I'm sick of him being right there ALL the time. Right there, same chair, almost 24 hours a day. Sitting right in back of me on the computer. Wanting to know who it is on the phone every blasted time it rings. Asking what they just said on the TV, so we miss what they say next. He has hearing aids, but won't wear them. He has teeth, but he won't put them in. Washing all his clothes, and bedding, and making sure he doesn't wear the same thing for more than 2 days in a row. (He will). Trying to get him in the bathtub, because he doesn't bathe anymore. He has a seat, and a railing, because I couldn't get him out the last time he got in, so there's no excuse. Fixing him breakfast, lunch and dinner. I feel like a short order cook. Every time I turn around from doing something in the house, it seems like it's time to make another meal. I'm having a real hard time dealing with my own issues right now, and trying to cope with life in general, and am losing the battle at the moment. I'm having a really shitty day, shittier than usual. I really am not trying to sound like an ungrateful daughter, but I'm just so tired of taking care of two kids. My daughter's a piece of cake compared to him. I'm resentful, angry, and I feel sooooo guilty for feeling this way. I feel like there's no escape from this life. And then when I think that the only time it will be over is when he is gone, I feel even more terrible. I guess I just want some kind of life I feel is unattainable right now. I know there's no answers out there, but I was just so angry after having an argument with my daughter, who seems to take the brunt of my resentments these days, about leaving stuff around the house. I feel so bad about yelling at her, because I cannot yell at my dad. Then I get super angry at my dad, and feel terrible about yelling at my daughter, and end up crying hysterically in my sanctuary (the bathroom). I appologize to my daughter, but feel like a rotten mother. My mother was psychotic, and used to rant around the house, and I hated her and hated listening to her when I was young. I resented her when I got older, and resented not having a mother that I could talk to about things. I just don't want my daughter starting to feel that way about me. We are very close, but I feel like I'm going to ruin our relationship because I cannot control my anger at times. I just had to get this unloaded. I just wish that I could look forward one day to being happy, really happy. I just don't know if that's ever going to happen in this lifetime.

It sounds like you need a shoulder to cry on, but I don't see a symbol for it.

If you can, when you are real mad, try to go for a walk, it can help calm you. I have taken my kids with me on one of these walks.

Can you talk to your daughter about your feelings?

I don't know what else to say, I feel for you.

Does your father have any homecare help? With medical conditions he could be elidgible for homecare where they'll come in everyday for 4 hours or so (however much time his insurance will cover). They do cleaning and cooking and help him bathe and help with his meds. It can be a big help to you and give you some respite from your duties to your father.

There is NOTHING wrong with wanting a life of your own for you and your daughter. Right now you're going through enough on your own without the added burden of your father. From what you say, he sounds like he's a bit over-bearing and is taking you for granted. He may not like getting the homecare but you need a break. Again no shame there. You're only human.

Wow, my two saviors again. Thank you guys, for reaching out. I know I am venting alot these days. I usually like to just browse the posts and maybe give someone else some input or advice, but am not feeling too full of wise words right now.

My dad probably does have some kind of medical and/or home healthcare coverage in his Medicare/Empire Blue coverage. I've asked my sister to look into it, because she takes care of his money and bills. She lives upstairs with her family. We don't get along too well. She tells me that I am his caretaker now, since I live with him. Since I lost my job, it seems like I'm doing more and more for him. He's been diagnosed with Alzheimers, has diabetes, and since my mom passed away, has spiraled downhill over the years. I'm torn between feeling bad for him and resenting him. We've never been big talkers in my family, and it hasn't changed as we got older. Now it's just uncomfortable silence sitting in the same room with him. I don't have that kind of relationship with my daughter. We talk about everything. She says she understands when I get upset. She always says it's ok Mom, it's ok. But it's not. I don't want to yell at her because I don't know how to talk to my father. I've always had a problem with confrontations. I'm not good at talking things over with people. I get nervous, and sweaty, and can't think of what to say to support my problems I may have with them, to stick up for myself. I have this problem with people being angry with me. I hate it when I fight with my sister upstairs. Her whole family makes my life miserable when we're not getting along. They know how to make us feel uncomfortable about living here. I guess I also feel if I ask her to look into getting someone to come in and take care of my dad, that I am not earning my keep. Plus, if I move out, I'll feel guilty about leaving him here. I don't know how much work my sister would put in to taking care of him. I guess my years of irresponsibility before my daughter earned me no savings to fall back on, no saved money to buy a house, or rent an apartment. Too bad I blew all my money on partying. When I do have a child later on in life, I have nothing to offer her except what I can give her at the moment. That's why she has alot of stuff, but we don't have a place of our own. My own fault. I guess alot of my problem is guilt. Can't get away from it. Have to keep plugging away until I eventually do get my bills paid off, am able to save some money, and hopefully one day can get us a place of our own. Isn't this nuts? I'm hating living here, yet, like a homing pigeon, I've moved out many times, and always seemed to come back. Now I hate living here, but am also afraid to leave, if I had the opportunity.

You don't have to rely on your sister to get him some homecare. You're the one in the home and unless she has a power of attorney signed by him then you're the one responsible for him. Even if she does have power of attorney then there're ways around that. Call your local Human Services (welfare) department and tell them about your situation. They can refer you to adult protective services that can help you get the respite care you need. They know and understand what a strain it can be to care for what amounts to a full grown child 24/7.

There's no use beating yourself up for what you could've or should've done. So you made some poor decisions in your past. Haven't we all? Just remember that your decisions are what brought you to be a mother in the first place. If I'd been thinking clearly, I never would've gotten pregnant with Ryan. Having a child with somebody like his father was a REALLY bad idea but hey, thank God I made that poor decision.

I know you're struggling right now but try not to add more to your plate by beating yourself up. It does nothing for you and it does nothing for your daughter. And even though I'd be the last person to tell you to abandon your father, if it's hindering your ability to raise your daughter, then you need to make some other arrangements for him. Your daughter comes first no matter what and you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of her.

Amy, you have alot of good advice. I appreciate it all. God you sound like you have your head straight on your shoulders. I am going to make it a point to look into taking some kind of charge of my life this week, no matter how insignificant. I hope the next time I post in here, it will be on a more positive note. Thank you.

Nah I just saw a lot of older people and their caregivers in my job as an EMT. You have no idea how many times I had to call adult protective services or they called an ambulance because of elderly abuse or neglect. I got to know my way around the system that way. Plus I make my business to know about respite care and such since I have a son with special needs that I'll end up taking care of for a very long time. Someday he'll live on his own but he'll always need somebody to watch over him. It's better if we have these people in place early in case something happens to us. The shock of losing a parent PLUS not having the proper care lined up would be too much for him and I don't want him to end up in a nursing home.

There is no insignificant step forward. Every little step gets you somewhere be it finding your father some homecare or even just making one phone call to that affect. Anything is going to give you a sense of being proactive in your life instead of passive. Just keep me up to date and I'll do my best to help motivate you. Sometimes it takes a little push but hey I'm a pushy broad so you're looking in the right direction!!

BasicallyAmy

Here in Ontario if a family member cannot work to take care of a loved one there is also the service of being hired on as a caregiver that will pay her an allowance to take some shifts. Does that exist where she is?

This way she can do some work with her father, while alleviating some financial issues, and also give her time to get out of the house to enjoy her life.

Miranda

I apologise if I am wrong here as coming from the UK I don't really understand the American healthcare system

Firstly you have my most profound sympathies. I cannot imagine living the type of life that you live and can only imagine how much it must get you down.

I hope things get better for you. And don't worry too much about your daughter. They have a capacity for love which far outstrips ours, all they care about is that mummy is there for them (or in their later years that mummy can buy them new clothes!!!).

In the UK once a parent gets to the point at which your father obviously is there is the option to place them in a home with professional carers. This may seem like a harsh option to take however we must all remember that we owe ourselves a life, agreed our parents bring us up for 16 years but that doesn't mean we have a debt for evermore.

The truth is that with the effort you are putting in you sound like a saint to me!!! At no time should you feel guilty for sometimes wishing he was gone, thats only human nature, and hey I wished that for my ex wife and now she's gone (ok she's living with someone else but the result was the same

Actually our health care system is a little more complicated than all that. In fact it's a bit of a mess. That's why I recommended that she speak with somebody in adult protective services. They can help navigate the system and point her in the right direction to the services that she needs/wants.

Hi! Well, I´m new and I´m from Argentina, I don´t know if what I have to say will help you...needless to say we don´t have a health care system here so there´s nothing I can say about that....

I read your post and understand you a lot, my situation is different but I ask myself very often if there´s a way to be happy and if there is one, when will I be happy? I´m 8 months pregnant, my boyfriend dumped me 2 months ago, suffer from bulimia and I´m doing a hard treatment spending 8hs at the clinic a day, had to quit my job and I´m going back to my mum´s place because I can´t afford to pay for my bills. It´s sad, but as we say here in my country, never drown in a glass of water. Even if the situation you´re in is quite complicated, I think you can build your happiness from now because it will never be the perfect time when you will have all that you want or think you need to be happy. Sometimes sounds a bit silly to think of all the things we have instead of what we don´t have but that helps a lot and stop feeling guilty because you´re not guilty at all, you seem to deal with a lot of things and that makes you a brave woman. If you don´t see a way out don´t let your bad thoughts get you, just concentrate on what you have, your daughter first and all the rest....

Wow, so someone else CAN relate to me. Don't feel guilty for your feelings, even though we still do! I am doing it on my own too with two boys and we live with my Dad because I have lost everything. I am back in grad school and still work, but my one son is 13 and I cannot possibly give him the attention he needs right now.
As far as if there will ever be a happy time, who knows...I sure hope so but I just keep pressing on. I am worn out and the only thing that pushes me forward is that I tell myself that there are thousands of other parents who do this every day!
Thanks for your sharing! I am so thankful I stumbled on this site because I think it will really help me!

wanted to offer my support ... it does sound like a difficult situation