Hi everyone!!! I'm 28 single & 6 months pregnant. I just terminated the relationship with my fiance/father of my unborn child. He is a verbal abuser in denial, controlling and a blood sucker that still today wants me to have an abortion after seeing pictures and movements of his daughter. He was excited with the pregnancy at first, than after looking at the not so pleasant lifestyle that he would have to lead according to him, as a husband/father drove him into rare form. At age 30 you would think that a man that has experienced life to the fullest would want to take care of his future wife and child(being responsible) No, he stopped being loving & caring and would go out with friends almost everyday, smoke pot, smoke cigs around me and try to make me feel bad for everything wrong that went bad or not his way each day. His friends were no help since he would surround himself with people who beat their wifes and would cheat on them. He didnt have any friends that had healthy relationship of their own. Those friends were in worse situations. He choose to hang out with them since they made our situation look better. He would say at least i dont cheat or hit you!!!I felt like I had a stranger living in my parents home that I cooked 3 meals a day for and cleaned up after. That was the least of my worries cooking & cleaning. I was not respected, appreciated, nor communicated to. I would ask him what is going on why are you treating me like a dog? He replies, why r u complaining all the time. It was a never ending he's right im always wrong battle . Nothing was ever resolved. As he stated I was the cow and he is the bull (the cow never wins) "You can't have 2 bulls in the same household". He was not going to treat me any better since I was pregnant, he said. If I didnt like it than I should leave him. So I did!!!! Being that I am a secure professional woman he tried to break me down into pieces by saying " NO ONE WILL EVER WANT YOU, SINCE YOU HAVE A CHILD". Ladies!!! He tried to take my GLOW away. I told him if he wants to act like a stray dog than he is to sleep like one. I told him that if he tried another rude remark to me and my child that i will call the pound (meaning the police). I crushed his macho, control freak ego by kicking him out and leaving him. He had all the chances to do the right things but choose not to. I threw away my abused wife role cap and now have a full time job with the new love of my life (my daughter). This child will give me the stregnth and love that no man will ever give or take away from me until the day I pass on. No matter how much I love him he's not worth the chance of harming or scaring my daughter for the rest of her life. What kind of example would I be setting if I continued in this relationship? What will my daughter believe seeing this on an everyday basis. She would think it was normal and when she grows up, she will allow people to mistreat her that way and worse. One Should only want for their children to be and have better in their own lives, I beleive. If you would like to chat, go do fun activities & free yourself of the chains of abuse email me. Im ready to take on my new life being a single mom.

Thank you for hearing my story,
Jennifer

Hi Jennifer,
Congrats on the baby girl and congrats on being a strong woman. Wish I was a little closer to you. You sound like the strong type of woman that I like to surround myself with and be examples for my daughter. Keep your chin up! I am back and forth here, so feel free to message me if you would like to atleast chat.
Carla

Hi Carla!

Thanks for the reply!!! i just had to get all of my ugly emotions that have been inside and surrounding my angel. She has sufferd enough throughout these 6 months and i want her healthy and happy I'm new to whol thing, but i find it great to communicate with people in te same boat. Are you a single mom/pregnant? Im in Ft. Lauderdale, Fl-- Jacksonville is a little haul, but hey ya never know. Im so happy that you were kind to listen to my story, What is your situation, i would love to hear if you want to share.

Talk to you soon!

Jennifer

I am sooo proud of you for realizing that you would be harming both you and your daughter if you stayed in that relationship. It can be difficult to be alone during pregnancy, but I am glad that you realized it is for the best. I went through the same thing with my daughter. Cheers to you!!! If you every want/need to talk, I'm here.

Hi Jennifer,
As for my story... I am a 40 year old single mom, for 2 years, of an 11 year old girl. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for 10 years. He was/is a very angry person with a victims attitude. Out of control himself so he wants to control everyone else. He would get so very angry with everyone else and I was his target! The day he got so very angry at me for deleting 42 files of porn on the comp. (yes my daughter could access it easily)that he turned on our daughter... that was it! I filed for divorce the next day. He continues to be angry and try to get back at me through our daughter. My daughter finally voiced what I felt all along.... "I do not know when he is going to get so out of control that the door, cabinet, wall he is slamming on becomes me". HELLO! What a wake up call. I was still denying the abuse until recently.
About 6 months ago he moved to South Florida and my daughter and I could not be happier. He has only seen her about 8 days (yes days, no over night) since then.She is excelling at everything and so very secure, now that there is no back and forth. He is however still trying everything he can except what the judge, guardian ad litem and the counselor ... oh and his daughter ... tells him to do, in order to see her. Right now I told my attorney I will feel the wrath of the judge before I let him see her, until he does everything he needs to do. She agrees.
Enough, I could go on for days but I choose ... "not to live there any more" (mind set).
I look forward to hearing back and I hope you are doing well. Now that we have the "dirty laundry" out we can get back to the joys of being a single parent!

Hi there Lawcat!

Thanks for the reply!! Now he wants to be involved and will try to take us to court. Do you have any suggestions? we were never married, nor will I give my daughter his last name. I do not want any $ from him either. If you have any tips, please advise.

Thanking you in advance,

Jennifer

Hi Carla! Hope all is well. How are you and yor children? Did you know that this person was like this and just thought maybe he would change, or did this just happen when pressure and having to grow up like responsability had to to set in? For me it all started when we got engaged and i got pegnant. Did your children get caught in the fire and have any signs to this day that it highly effected them. How are they doing now? Do they ever ask you questions of why? and what do you respond with? I feel bad sometimes and have guilt because he puts it in me. Its my fault!!!! i want whats best for my unbornchild. i want to do the right thing. Should she know her father or not. I dont want to be negative or ugly. I dont want it to seem like im resentful and be mean. But i do not want to be taken for or abused anymore. i feel one day when she asks me, "where is my daddy" What do I say, he's dead, i dont know, he left, we didnt get along, but he loves you?. "Well If he loves me, why isnt he here? Stuff like that i really get upset at myself. im fine with being a sinlge mom & me not having him around as a husband to me. I just dont want to use a child that has no say right now, and maybe make a wrong decsion,that she may get mad at me for one day. Like wanting to go find him etc. Carla What is your opinion if you were in my shoes. do i let him see her when she is born at the hospital & let him see her time to time if he wants. no stay overs. or do i be the ice queen and have nothing to do with us at all. i bet it all changes once you see and hold the baby for the first time, it changes your world hugh????

Hi Jennifer, I absolutely love your first post. I said to myself, I wish I could meet her in person. You are so strong. What really got me was when you said your daughter was the new love of your life. It made me think of me, when I was pregnant, and a friend emailed me and asked if I found the young man of my life. I said, Yes, the young man of my life is in my belly. And that is definitely the way it is for me now. I wish you all the best for your and you daughter's future.

Hi Jennifer, I absolutely love your first post. I said to myself, I wish I could meet her in person. You are so strong. What really got me was when you said your daughter was the new love of your life. It made me think of me, when I was pregnant, and a friend emailed me and asked if I found the young man of my life. I said, Yes, the young man of my life is in my belly. And my son definitely is the love of my life. I wish you all the best for your and your daughter's future.

Hi again Jennifer,
As for your question about knowing whether or not he was like this before we married. No, I did not see it. I should have known something would go wrong. We were from 2 ENTIRELY different back grounds. Everything from family status growning up ( I have 2 parents he had a very disfunctional group, I can not say parents), race, motivation, interests ... and on and on. He was also younger than I. A very strong personality and if he could get over the narcissistic, angry attitude and stop being the victim, he is actually smart enough to go somewhere in life.
Jennifer, emotional abuse leaves scars that no one can see unless they know you and care about you well enough to see them. The decision is yours and yours alone, unless he drags it into court, whether he is apart of your childs life. These scars can not be presented in the court room (as far as my experience goes). My ex used to tell me the same thing about not hitting me .. etc. He also threw in that he did not drink or use drugs. Well, HELL, maybe he needed to. It is a control device. Be careful. As for what to say to your child should you not have him around... I tell my daughter, "Until daddy gets some help and does what he has been told to do by the judge, she has a telephone relationship with him and that is it."
As for this baby changing your whole world .... YES!!!! As for his .... I doubt it... I am sorry to say that but I have to. If he feels that way at first, unless he gets help for his bahavior and dumps the friends, my asnwer is, no, it will not last for long.
Someone without children recently said something to me about loving your partner unconditionally. My reply was no you can not love anyone unconditionally except your child. Wow is your world going to change .. all for the better!
I hope all is going well!
Carla

I'm going through a divorce right now because my husband chose alcohol over me and my son. He has a temper, but that was controlable but when he drinks he gets violent and throws stuff, he has hit me a couple time too. The last straw was Janary 23, 2004, he got made a me because I wanted to change out of my uniform (military) before I change my son's diaper. He pushed me against the way so I can punched him about 5 times in the face, because he finally pushed me too far!!! My son was screaming in the next room, and that's when I decided that my and my son did not need to be around that anymore. I made up with the jerk because I was getting presented an award the next day and didn't want the stress. That next day I told my supervisors at work and they escorted me home, I got my son and some belongings then went to my mom's. I came back Monday because this was my last week in the military so I had outprocessing to do, while he was at work I moved all of our things out with the help of my friends and stayed on the military base until the end of the week. I was fed up.

My son is only 16 months right now, he was less than a year old when I left. It took him about 2 months to get back to normal. Can you imagine seeing your little baby scream when he heard a loud voice or someone cry? But we are fine now, I just got my own place last weekend and I have a great job.

It took a lot of guts to leave him, especially when I was also losing the security I had with the military. The military was my second family, they will do anything for their people.

You're stronger than me, I actually was going to leave my husband when I was pregnant too, but I was so afraid. I thought he would change once the baby was born, but he didn't. I think he started drinking more.

You truly sound like someone I'd like to hang out with sometime. I live in Stuart.

Get a grip! Forget him. Forget it. Try to improve yourself for your baby.

Believe me it won't be easy to be all things to your shild- 24/7 for years and years, but it is possible.