My baby is due to arrive in July and during my whole pregnancy the father has been very unsupportive and has been back and forth with being with me. At this point we are not together anymore. He has done some hateful things to me that I am feeling extremely bitter and heartbroken by. I wasn't sure if I should share the birth with him because I don't want that day to be upsetting for me, but then again I don't wasn't him to be sad for missing out on it either. Should I even care about his feelings since he's not been careful with mine? Please give any advice to help me make this decision; I don’t want to make this choice based off bitterness.

That is NOT a choice made of bitterness. Is this your first baby? YOU need to be as comfortable as possible! Don't worry about anybody but YOU and the baby. He can wait in the hall and see the baby when it is delivered. There is going to be enough tension without him adding to the stress pool.

BTW, welcome to SFV, glad to have you aboard

devnew,
from a males point of view, i think it's all your fault for allowing yourself to waller in self pitty. who cares what he thinks. the most important thing ( person ) in your life will be your child. for a woman, birthing is a special event, but; for a man watching the birth of a child is a magical moment in his life. so now its up to YOU. this is YOUR event, YOUR time to be happy and joyful, you make the call if he should be a part of YOUR event, who knows it just might change him. now please don't tell anyone this. i actually cried when i saw all four births of my sons. OMG! LOL ! take care, be safe.

If you're not going to be comfortable having him in the birthing room then you're not going to have the most productive labour and you could end up having a difficult birth (which is neither good for you or the baby). If you are comfortable with him being there then there's no problem. Remember this is going to be a very intimate moment and it's not a specator's sport. If he's not going to be helpful in the delivery room then he probably shouldn't be there. Labour and birthing isn't about him or the baby but you, because if you're not in good shape then neither is the baby.

i am sorry but i have to disagree, the intimate moment has passed, thats why she is going to have a baby. as for a productive labor, thats why they have midwives, nurses' and doctors. to help the mother calm down and relax. as for labor and birthing. correct me if i am wrong, it is about her and the baby, because if something goes wrong during this, it effects one or the other. so then it is about her and the baby. that is why i said it was her choice, and besides, if she gets tired of him being there then she can have him kicked out of the room or escorted out of the hospital, then she can laugh about it later. if i have offended ne 1, i am sorry. just my point of view. take care and be safe. good luck devnew

Everyone IS entitled to their point of view

I do agree, as LONG as things are going smoothe and you don not feel threatened or annoyed by his presence then by all means, let him in, let him cut the cord if he wants to. But, if you KNOW that you will be irritated by him being there, I wouldn't even chance it.

In my opinion, you seem to be worried about "him" quite a bit.
Now admittedly, I'm pretty heartless about people being ...well, careless.

So part of me says F*** him. He shouldnt have pissed off the mother of his child if he wanted to be in the delivery room! Some people need to have consequences paid to them for their actions! Maybe if was able to see (assuming to did what I'm about to suggest) the birth on video, he'd realize how much he missed.

Now of course, we're assuming that you are just a sweet as pie and did nothing to cause him to be so ...uhm ....difficult.

The other side of me says....you give him one last chance....about a month before the delivery...dont have any contact...unless it is at his prompting..including the offer to get marriage counseling. EVEN if you dont get married, you need to know how to function together.

You're going to be very emotional by then, not that you're not now, but even more so, so make up your mind now...and do your best to stick to it.

That's a very difficult situation to address, ....I cant' relate...I cant fathom the idea of knowing MY child was being born and I couldnt be there.

I was put in a situation early on in my marriage where a friend of an ex girlfriend claimed that I was the father of her now 2 year old baby. I was crushed at the fact, I had unknowingly abandoned my kid...IF it was my kid. Well, it turned out it wasnt....long story...but still.

I was glade to be present at the birth of all 5 of my bio kids, but if the father is not understanding then he shouldn't be there.

Tell him ahead of time that if he causes a problem the he goes, no questions asked no second chances.

I was in your exact situation with my last baby. My ex and I seperated right before I found out I was pregnant with her and it was our third. Our split was nasty and we were not on good terms AT ALL! But I, like you, felt bad and didn't want to be the reason he wasn't there for the birth of his baby so, I let him be there. Big mistake! The lazy SOB slept in my hospital bed while I walked around having horrible contractions. The Janitor finally had to walk with me back to my room because they were so bad. It took me forever to get him out of my bed and then he was mad that I woke him up.
It was nothing but stress having him in there and I think the only reason he really was there was because he knew it would look bad on his part if he wasn't. But this was just my experience! If you really want him to be there, maybe have the nurse bring him in when you are about to deliver and then have him leave not long after. Just a suggestion...Most important during labor is that you have no distractions and can focus on having a safe delivery, your baby deserves that. Good luck!!

this is such a personal decision. the labor room may be about the birth of your baby, but you are truly the one doing the work. it is so easy to feel uncomfortable and anxious about everything that is going on.

if he is in the room with you, you should be very clear that it when comes down to it, you need his support and a positive attitude in the room.

tobi's father was in the room with me, and while we have since split up, i do not regret his presence... but he was excited and happy and nervous, which is what you need.

Just my opinion.

devnew, I AM GOING THROUGH THE EXACT SAME THING RIGHT NOW!!! I am amazed at how you wrote what you wrote. When I saw this, I thought, "did I write this?" LOL! I am soooooo going back and forth. Sometimes I feel like maybe I should let him be there for the birth and maybe he will come around. Then I think he has treated me like **** off and on for my whole pregnancy and left me at 6mos (my baby is due in July also) and I get angry and say to myself why should I allow him in the room, he couldn't even stick around for the pregnancy so no he shouldn't be allowed in for that special moment, where was he when the baby is kicking me or making my back hurt or when I go to the doctor for the next 3 months. I don't know I have been going back and forth and I think I probably won't come to a decision until my 8th or 9th month of pregnancy. I like the idea of having it taped and then allowing him to see all that he has missed.

My ex kicked me out on the street when I was 3 months pregnant, and I spent most of my pregnancy in homeless shelters. I personally am very glad I didn't have him there, because at the time, as hormonal as I was, they would probably have had to restrain me from grabbing anything sharp and going after him. I do not regret for one minute not having him there, and not having to share that most special of moments with someone who, at that time, did not care about me or my baby.

Labour and delivery is hard enough without having stress from emotional issues between you and the father in the room. I would suggest you plan your delivery in such a way that you feel the most comfortable. Is having him there going to make you feel better or nervous? Is his presence going to cause more tension or less? Will he try to fight with you over past issues?

Of course, you can always ask him to leave if he does start acting up, and I've also heard of doctors or nurses telling fathers to leave if they are causing their patient too much stress.

Good luck, and I hope you have a very easy, low pain delivery, and a very healthy happy baby!

Hmmmm. I dont know how to say this. I think that you should give him a shot. Call him when you go to the hospital. Then its his choice to show up or not to. Who knows it might make him want to man up and do what he should of been doing the whole time. I have a friend who went through the some thing. She called him and he came but she wouldnt let him come into the room. Her sister and I were in there and the baby got stuck and they were going to have to suction her out and she freaked. She wanted him in there and it was a really good thing for her and him. They bonded with eachother and the baby and he was like a new man after watching her be born. Good luck and you still have a while to think and make your decision. Whatever you decide will be the best for you just remembe that.

This is a hard one. We can all give you our opinions, but we don't really know this guy. He sounds like an a**, but only you know if it came down to such a special moment if he would respect that and want to be there for you in a positive way. When I was thinking about who I wanted in the delivery room I knew I wanted people who would really be there for the me and the baby. The birth of your child is so sacred and special and you don't want any negative tension at all. If you think he would just make you stressed and not really be supportive and respectful then I say no. Invite those that love you, or get a doula to help you stay positive and calm. If you think he will stay focused on being supportive during this time and be respectful of you then I say give him the chance, and you can always get the hospital staff to make him leave if you decide you don't want him there, it is your call. Tell him how it is, if he starts stressing you out in any way, his a** is out of there. It would be his mistake for not stepping up.

quote:

Originally posted by devnew:
during my whole pregnancy the father has been very unsupportive and has been back and forth with being with me. At this point we are not together anymore. He has done some hateful things to me that I am feeling extremely bitter and heartbroken by.

I am completely mystified as to why you would even care. It's completely your decision, but if it was me...he wouldn't be there (based on your comments above).