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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Hey,
Could somebody give me a hand with this problem? I've spent the past couple years trying to develop some kind of a local social network, but it hasn't been going well. The source of this problem is getting married and having a child when I was a teenager. After that, my focus switched from being sociable to being responsible. We moved hours away from my old friends and I put all of my effort into dragging our family out of the government assisted poverty we'd put ourselves. My family distanced themselves from us during this time, as they're overachievers that didn't have much sympathy for the situation we'd created. By the time my wife left, I had a good job and a responsible home life, but I had no contact with people outside of the office or home. I was happy with that for a year or so (I was just so happy to get custody), but I started to get lonely quickly. I spent the next couple years comforted by the Single Parent online community (a different board). I was happy with that for awhile too, but it couldn't entirely assuage my loneliness. There's something about spoken conversation and personal contact that I still missed. I'd also like to get out of the house and do things with people. When my social life was entirely online, I'd find myself using whatever opportunities I had to go out spent in my bedroom typing away. ...and I have *tried* to meet people locally, but it just hasn't worked out. My peers at work are all 10-15 years older that I am. My neighbors are all middle-aged married families. They seem to like me as an acquaintance, but they don't seem interested in me as a friend. Really, I'd prefer to find people in my age group anyway...I could stand to become more like normal people in their late 20s. I've gone out to bars and places where other people my age would be, but when I start up a conversation it seems to go one of two ways: "Who is this guy who's by himself and why is he talking to me" or "This guy must be intested in me and I should flirt with him." I joined a local Parents Without Partners chapter last week. With single parenting as my only real hobby, it seemed like the appropriate group to join. I'm hoping that it works out, but I gotta say that at the meeting I was still more than 10 years younger than the other members so I am apprehensive. So...anybody have any ideas? Where do you meet people when you don't have much free time? When you go out by yourself, have you found a way to nuzzle your way into a group? Later, Bobby |
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Lively & Zealous Parent |
I meet people through my kids a lot-sometimes they are single parents too! Sometimes we have gone out together to clubs, or got together with kids at B-Day parties. Onve you start meeting people don't be afriad to tell them you'd like to go out together (not even as dating, maybe just to see music performances or play sports).Theres a lot of people in the sae boat as you, but dont get discouraged, Im sure you'll meet people.
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"Board Blazen Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Hi BigBobby,
I know how you feel about making friends it can be tough. I am not very good at making friends either. I moved into a small town many many moons ago and will always be the out of towner. When my husband was alive it was not easy either since he was sort of anti-social. Since his death I have found that some of my "friends" were not mine but his, since they don't come around any more. I meet people through kids outings, like sports and boyscouts, but the biggest friend maker I have found has been church. I found a wonderful kid friendly church and get involved as much as I can. I have found that if I make some planned events that all are welcome has really helped. Like all the women take an evening to go out and have supper (maybe a few drinks) together every year before Christmas. Ours is planned for this Wed. I started it a couple years ago by just asking a few women if they wanted to go. Now they come and ask me when it is. Group settings are nice. I do think you might want to stop looking at the age thing so much. I have great friends that are in their 60's and great friends in their early 20's and some inbetween. One of my best friends that just passed away 2 months ago was in his 80's. Wonderful people come in all ages. I wish you the best of luck, I am sure you have a lot to share. |
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"Board Beacon Parent" Setting New Standards |
It really depends on what you like to do. Such as play an instrument, sing, dance or play sports. Maybe you like to bowl. Typically you can find something to sign up for in your own age group, at the local city sport/rec center. Find something co-ed. I have a single dad friend (kids are in college now) that just found himself a job as a bartender, just to get out and listen to the music...enjoy the conversation. Some people like church groups etc. I have another friend who joined a band and plays his guitar at local clubs. I think it just depends on your likes and dislikes. I like sports...so I play in co-ed for some sports, and other sports I play in all women leagues. I am sorry you feel lonely...its too bad about your family. Have you tried lately to contact them? Do they know you now?
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I am New to SFV |
hi big bobby, i have just joined yesterday. I am currently having the same problem it seems. I have just moved 6 mths ago closer to my partner i was seeing whom i thought was on the same page as me as it turns out he isn't in love and therefore i called it off as i couldn't see it going anywhere if he hadn't moved along emotionally as i. Unfortunately it was the first time i had fallen in love with someone and stupidly i moved away further from family and friends as we lived so far from eachother. Now i am in a community i don't know and have enrol my daughter in a local school and feel it too much to move her again as it was my mistake. At the moment im in the process of joining her in little athletics and joining a bushwalking group in the hope of meeting a few people. We also have community centres which are resonably priced where you can do like woodwork classes, dance etc. If your kids are young they have childcare at resonable prices. I feel the same going out as i have never had prob's meeting people before but its just meeting people on the same page as you now who understand you can't date or go out at a whim when you are single or those that run a mile when you say you are a single parent. It's hard at 30 to tell your parents how unhappy you are and your life is not quite what you expected it to be. Parents without partners is a good start i think i havent done that yet im afraid im going to meet all these people who feel down and out and life has no hope i guess after 3 yrs of single parenting im still getting used to the stigma of being a single parent. One thing it has taught me is you need to find your own happiness not happiness of another otherwise you can start to rely on them for your happiness. We catch the train to the city and stuff to get out of the house, i find it hard going to activites in the city and families out with thier kids but i always remember we are there to partipate too and we have fun nether the less as i realise im making her happy for the day.
Keep going another good one is cycling. We ride a fair bit i still havent joined a bike group as i had a knee reco but you can get bikes attached to the main bike for kids and they have family days or start your own on weekends with parents from school. Its great exercise for kids and great way to communicate with other parents and always somewhere in there are single parents you can meet. take care melissa |
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Hey,
Finding an activity...I've been aware that this is something that I've needed to do for awhile. When other people are making friends, they aren't looking for who needs them the most...they're looking for who's going to add something to their own lives. Right now, there isn't much to me beyond parenting and working... But where do you guys find the time to do something else? Parenting and working seem to eat up all of mine. I do have a couple days each month that my son stays with his mother, but most activities seem to require more time and flexibility than that. My family lives many states away and I only hear from them a few times a year, and even if we were closer they are not open to helping me (lol...they sort of point to my situation as proof of how having fun is bad for you). My son doesn't have a lot of friends...part of that is his diagnosis (PDDNOS), but I wonder how much of it he's learning from his hermit father. That'd be justification for dropping him off with a weekly babysitter so that I could go out and change my life, but I don't know where those babysitters would be and the poor kid already spends so much of his life in daycare. Doing activities that would include the both of us would be a solution. Church sounds like it'd be a good weekly activity, but I can't say I'm even slightly religious. Parent's without Partners could be a solution; we'll see how it goes. I really would prefer to meet other people my age, however...do the things that regular people in my age group do. I spent ages 18-28 acting like I was 40, and I'd kinda like to squeeze some youth out of what I have left. Anyway...thanks for the responses...I'm just gonna keep working at this and hopefully something will work out...I at least want to say I tried... |
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I am New to SFV |
well i checked out parents without partners in australia and they stress they are a dating service but people do click. what they offer is family activites at low or no costs. it was founded ib the states and men go. thay also have adult nights too but you may find friends inthere with similar interests to you if not your helping your son to socialise and showing him how to do it. When i join (if) ha ha i'll let you know but its a start back into a real world of not hermitting.These people would have the occassional w/e free too and maybe you could go out then like a real 30 something but reality hits you are like everyone here and your life has responsibilites. Don't close yourself away from life i just sent a message to a potential friend telling her guys seem to have the best theory to women which was they focus on work not housework and they seem to manage life of juggling kids and their own needs seemingly well b/c men have a tendency to be more selfish than women(no pun intended)that women always put their kids and their needs then their parners first b/f their own. My point being you have gone back to work and juggling day care and family life. Put something meaningful in his and your life by showing him there's more too when we can. You may not be able to attend every week or what ever but you may both make some worthwhile local friends whom you could visit when you do have time or trade babysitting favours if you did want a night out at least he would be with friends playing and not at a babysitters if you were out and you wouldn't feel so guilty
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I am New to SFV |
whoops meant not a dating service in there but people do click b/c shared experiences just a bunch of people with same life style as your own.
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"Board Beacon Parent" Setting New Standards |
Hi Big Bobby,
I understand what you are saying. It is very hard to force myself to get to these activities once a week for each sport. Sometimes it ends up being 3-4 times a week and sometimes only once a week. Sometimes not at all...depending on how tired I am. Working midnights is a whole different sleep schedule and when the kids are off school it is that much harder. I too was an early adult who grew up fast. I really do think that the extra activities filled in a gap. It is fun...especially the women I play soccer with..all understand the daily grind. They hug me all the time and say supportive things. Sometimes Trinity (my daughter) goes along with me to those things and watches with other family members of the others that are there. When she was little I played more ice hockey, I would stick a helmet on her and stuff her in the penalty box so she could watch, she was locked in there so she was safe. She loved it. Finding something at your local rec center that the two of you could do seperately but at the same time and also burn some energy. You will also create some endorphins which really helps you a lot. Maybe basketball? Do you like that? There is also Wallyball where we live. It is like volleyball but they use the walls. Ever heard of that? There are a lot of things you can do, you just have to look, and try it. Take care and keep us posted. Sorry to hear that your family doesn't support you much. It makes things harder that way...I think anyway. |
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"Board Blazen Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Big Bobby,
Sorry to take so long to post. I have been thinking about you but always got side tracked. You made a comment that Church sounded good,but you are not religious. You do not need to be. All you need is some spirituality. I attend church every sunday and am not religious. I have a strong Catholic Grandmother, who for years was afraid I would burn because I was not baptized as a baby and another Grandmother that was a strong southern baptist. I go to a general baptist church now. Now baptist of any kind are not suppose to drink. Well if I was totally religious I would be out the door on that one because I like my cold Bud on a hot day. Point being spirituality is the important thing. If you have that you will go far. I think you may find that church may fill two voids for you. |
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Hey,
Sorry that it took so long for *me* to respond  mullens: I still haven't sent in my parent's without partners application, but I'm pretty sure that I'm going to do it and find an event to attend in January. I am worried about a few things. The chapter isn't far, but not really close enough that I'm going to find people where we'll see each other often. Also, I *am* hung upon the age thing...I'm not against making older friends, but I'd at least like to make *some* friends my own age. The age thing factors into the activities as well...I look at some of the things they do, and the dances they organize, and it looks like I might as well be at the old folks home playing Bingo... But who knows...maybe some of these people will have younger siblings or friends...lol...although at least a couple of the people I talked to at the orientation had kids that were closer to my age. Maybe I could become active in the organization and start recruiting younger members and organizing more youth oriented events? Thinker: 3-4 times a week! Wow...I'm not sure that you *do* understand what I'm saying I don't know if I got out 3-4 times last year. Playing sports...well, I gotta say that my HS sports experience was mostly smoking under the bleachers and skipping gym...it does sound like a healthy activity to get into now, however. I do have little Bobby in a youth basketball league (he really wanted to play) and I work with him sometimes at the YMCA so I at least have an idea of how to play. They have adults playing at the Y too, but man...they're pretty damn serious about their games...I do like snowboarding a lot...I looked into those clubs at one time, but they mostly centered around long trips to resorts using discounted group tickets...that's not something I could do really...dunno...maybe it's worth looking again...or maybe I could start organizing day trips with pwp, for the other people in my situation who can't really go away for long periods of time... You have a local rec center that has activities for the both of you at the same time? It sounds like a smart thing for a rec center to do...maybe our YMCA does something like this... toomany: For church...well...I'm about as much of a science-worshipping atheist as you can get. I don't think there's any churches out there that welcome us  Even though I do agree with most of the principles held by religions (bascially be a good person), lack of belief would make me a pretty uncomfortable addition to a parish.Anyway...thanks to everyone for the responses! Later, Bobby |
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
i'm new to this, so hopefully i'm doing this right...I jsut wanted to tell you that I SO understand what you're saying. I'm in the crowd of "older" single parents you're talking about, but other than that...I'm completely at a loss as to how to make new friends at this stage in life! I'm not athletic in the least, I also am a confirmed athiest so church (although I've tried it) will never work. And having enough time to spare to go out regularly is just a distant dream. Everyone else has their own jobs, and families and issues, and there's just no time when I do have a moment. Then there's the guilt that, working 40 hours a week, I'm already away from my daughter too much.
So, in the end, I'm sorry I don't have any ideas for you, but I did want to tell you you're not alone in this dilemma! If it's any consolation, your age is a plus...all the people I'm finding now that are my age (35), either to date or to try to make friends, are usually remarried, or their kids are in their teens and they're in a different place in their lives. So, good luck, and I'm sure you'll meet some people soon who will turn out to be great friends.
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"Least Fun Guy You Know" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Hey,
This was a pretty old post, but I'm glad to hear that you can identify with what I wrote back then. Things are going pretty well for me these days. I've met some people (two from work and one from here), and meeting people seems to lead to meeting more people. My social calendar is about as full as it can stand to be now. I also started going out with women from a dating site; I'm getting more popular it seems now that I and my son are older. Heh...so maybe if you could identify with what I wrote about 1.5 years ago, you can find encouragement in what I'm writing about today Later, Bobby |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Frienships Making Friends In Real Life
