I need to vent. I figure this is the best place to do it, because if I try to talk about this stuff with family or friends they just do not understand or don't want to hear it. I'm at wits end.

My son is autistic. He is 7 years old, does not talk, has sensory issues and behavior problems and cannot be potty trained because he doesn't "feel" bowel movements coming on. In short, life is not easy for him nor is he easy to care for.

The big problem, right now, is daycare. Me and his mom both work. None of the daycare centers will take our son because they cannot handle him, they don't know autism and don't have the personnel to handle an autie.

So right now he is watched before and after school by his grandma (on the mothers side). She is the only person willing to watch him but also is a horrible choice to watch him. She does not understand autism at all. She thinks that he is the way he is because "he knows he can get away with it". She keeps accusing his mother and I of not disciplining him enough, she believes that is the root of his problem. I discipline him within reason but that is not why he is the way he is, I also believe that his mom deals with him well. His grandma, on the other hand, disciplines him way too harshly. Really, it borders on abuse. When he is in her house, he is not allowed to leave his chair. If he does, she disciplines him with spankings and god knows what else. I have picked him up there with bruises, and giant scratch marks and rub burns. He appears to be very afraid of her and sometimes acts scared for his life when I drop him off before work. My son cannot talk so he can't tell me what goes on in his life. I get clues about how he is treated by talking to his older sister, 9 years old, but I have to be careful not to interrogate her or drag her into it. She loves her grandma, who treats her great. The most disturbing thing she has told me is that grandma lets my youngest son, 4 years old, hurt the autistic son as punishment.

On top of this, grandma is always insinuating that me and his mother are bad parents or that his autism is our fault. I assure you nothing could be farther from the truth. She knows nothing about his life at my house and doesn't even want to, yet she is quick to accuse. And though I often struggle to say nice things about my ex, I know she is a good mom for our son.

I know what I need to do but what's killing me is that there is no other options! I have called every provider, I have called all the "resource agencies" and there is no one out there who will care for my son. I took 2 weeks of vacation last year and did nothing but search for daycare, finding nothing. His mom has looked as well. I struggle to pay bills with a full time job, I can't even fathom dropping my job or cutting hours to care for my son.

I don't know what I'm looking for here I'm just putting it all out there. I sent an email to his mother about all this too.

I'm so sorry to hear that SLD. Does your school district run an autism type program in their schools? If so, I would ask their specialist if there were anyone they knew who can provide help before and after school.

I've heard some parents of autistic children have hired behavioral specialist to show caregivers how to manage their behaviour appropriately.

Thanks for the reply tessmitt. My son is in the autistic program with the school district and I've talked to them about this in general. They refer me to other agencies, who refer me to others, who refer me to the school district. The good news is, I've got a ton of referrals. The most helpful people I've spoken to are other parents in the same boat, who tell me that in reality I have to build my own support. Grass roots kind of thing. I don't like that answer but atleast it's honest.

I was feeling really hopeless and crappy when I started this thread. I'm feeling more hopeful now, though I don't know what I'm going to do yet. I talked to my kids mom about everything and she agrees with me, so at least I don't have to fight with her about it. She doesn't know what to do either. I've got some leads, I just need to stay hopeful and find something that works.

First off, I dont know much of anything about autism and I wouldn't even know where to begin about that but . . .

I do think that there are agencies out there that should be able to help you. Especially state funded and even federally funded. I'm sure you have checked all that you can but I am wondering if maybe you could check out of state to see if you can find someone, federally I mean, that can direct you to something that could help you out. I am not saying send your son out of state by any means but maybe something will come up that will help you with funding or you can have a nurse be with your son that is specially trained about this kind of thing.

Secondly, grandma needs to be put in her place. If your son is that scared of her, then I would put my foot down and tell grandma that if she lays another hand on your son, or any of your children, that you will report her. Yes this may mean that you will have to find someone else to look after your son but that would be better. I know if my daughter came home from daycare or my mother's house and had marks on her, I would be livid and be making a nice, broad point that it isn't to happen again.

And I would interrogate your children, in a nice way of course, and I would definitely make sure your younger son knows that he is NOT allowed to hurt anyone else, brother, sister or not. That's just wrong and since you are dad, you should be in charge of how, why and when the children are punished.

Sounds to me like Grandma is a bad person and needs to be put in her place.

I am sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time.

quote:

Originally posted by SuperLeaderDaddy:
I have picked him up there with bruises, and giant scratch marks and rub burns. He appears to be very afraid of her and sometimes acts scared for his life when I drop him off before work. My son cannot talk so he can't tell me what goes on in his life.

This doesn't border on abuse my friend, THIS IS ABUSE. I understand you said you can't find a daycare that will accept him, but how could you possibly allow your autistic son to be abused like that? Do you understand that by letting someone (a family member no less) abuse him like this, that you are in essence abusing him. Can you not find a babysitter (preferably one who is trained in dealing with autisic/special needs kids) to take care of him? I know your options may be limited, but you need to get your son out of that situation asap.

I tried really hard to stay away from this thread as the first time I read it I felt physically ill. I do undrestand not being able to find a sitter I have a 6 yr old who is living with autism and the fact is it is hard.. having said that there is no way I would allow ANYONE to abuse my son. I DON"t care how deseprate I was. I have worked so hard for 5 years to try to bring him into our world I can't imagine what being treated like that would do to his progress. I would quit my job and live on welfare before I allowed anyone to hurt any of my children. I dont think grandma is stable. I could possiably understand becoming frustrated and MAYBE losing your temper what what kind of person tells one child to harm another who is really pretty much defensless? How about an ad in the paper if you can't find someone who is trained just start with a person with a good heart and then you can teach them how to adapt to his having autism. I also like the suggestion of getting a T.S.S. to help the caregiver out. In my area we have MHR (mental health retardation)centers or YAP (youth advocate program) which will usually help to direct you where you can get help. I really feel this abuse has to stop Now. your son struggeling with autism is enough of a hurdle for him how can he even make any strides if he is being abused and is afraid not knowing who to trust in the world socialazation is already a big issue with these children. I am trying not to judge you I do understand how hard having a child with autism is. I hope that you really think about this hard and what kind of damage it is diong to your son ..even if you dont see it hew is in there and he does feel just as your other children doi

quote:

Originally posted by SuperLeaderDaddy:
On top of this, grandma is always insinuating that me and his mother are bad parents or that his autism is our fault. I assure you nothing could be farther from the truth. She knows nothing about his life at my house and doesn't even want to, yet she is quick to accuse. And though I often struggle to say nice things about my ex, I know she is a good mom for our son.

I don't know what I'm looking for here I'm just putting it all out there. I sent an email to his mother about all this too.

I just wanted to add three things:
1 autismis not in any way caused by bad parents that is just absurd! If that were true then why dont your other chidren struggle with autism?

2. I noticed you caled your son an "autie".. I am surprised you dont think that is offensive
if someone called my son that would correct them an tell them he is not an "Autie" He is a little boy who struggles with a disorder called autism.

3. I do see that you have been trying to get your son out of this situation .. and I respect how difficult that must be. I just hope you realize your son is in there waiting for you to rescue him from autism and from the abuse he is enduring. Fight for him with all you have. He doesnt deserve this. No child should be abused. I really have been praying hat you and his mother can find a better solution.
I hope I didnt come off as attacking you. and that you know I am not judging you either. I would like to offer myself as a friend. Someone who you could vent to who really does understand....Please feel free to send me a Pm if you ever need to vent or if there is anything I could help you with.

First off, reading these replies hasn't been easy but I expected that when I made the post and still chose to post it. If nothing else I don't mind being judged if it motivates me to do what seems impossible. If people believe me to be a terrible parent, I can't dwell on that because I'm the best they've got and no one else has offered to do even half of what I do for them. I'm the one who attends all his IEPs, I'm his advocate, I'm the one who deals with his school several times each week, who takes time off to look for daycare, who built a therapy room in my house, who reads book after book on autism, who is setting up a home program, who is his PARENT in the usual sense of the word.

Some have suggested I quit my job but I cannot do that, or I'm not ready to do that yet. I've been through a lot in the last couple years in my life and it's in shambles it seems. My job is the only thing in my life that's working out for me. They are flexible with me and let me leave when I have meetings with the school district, emergencies with the children, and what not. As flexible as they are, they won't pay me to stay at home and care for my son.

Normajean thanks for your suggestions. Alaska does not have very good social services but I'm utilitizing the ones I can. We have an agency called child care connection which provided me with dozens of referalls, but when I call them they reject my son the moment they hear autism. After 2 weeks of vacation spent looking for daycare, I found one provider in my city who was willing to take my son on a trial basis. He lasted 1 week there because she had an inspection and the liscensing board told her that he was a danger to the other children and she had to lose him or her other children. She already had one autistic child and relayed to me that his mother had the same struggles as I have finding a provider.

I'm talking to his mom right now about the ad in the paper as you suggested. I'm going to try this and hopefully something comes out of it. I'm also planning to put flyers on campus to find respite workers and caregivers. I haven't figured out how I'm going to pay for any of it, but still I'm praying something comes up. Mom has to be on board with everything because we share custody 50/50.

It is so easy to say "there must be an agency to help you". Believe me, I've heard it from my mother (a social worker), the school, and the social agencies themselves. If there is an agency that actually does anything I'd love to hear about them. Every agency I've encountered only "co-ordinates" and "refers". That is, they co-ordinate and refer each other. This all probably seems really negative but years of trying to figure out this system without any results has really left me jaded.

As for calling my son an autie, that's just a word I use. Its a word that I've seen autistic adults use and I picked up. I never thought it was derogatory because I use it with affection, but after reading your post I searched on google and it seems the word can be considered derogatory. I should be more careful with my words.

I'm planning on addressing all of this with grandma this week. I just need to figure out exactly what I'm going to say. I wish mom would talk to her because they get along better than I do with her, but I also know that's not going to happen.

SLD,

I know you're trying the best that you can and you recognize there is a need for change to ensure a better situation. sometimes things don't just happen but they transpire slowly over time and I get the feeling that is what is happening with your child care situation.

Is there a way for your mother to meet with your child's doctor or perhaps you already see a behavioral specialist who can advise mom how to manage your son during the day? Perhaps someone can come to your mom's home and assess the environment to help resolve issues she may be having and offer suggestions?

Another option is to explain to your employer you need to cut hours temporarily to care for your son until you find other means. Perhaps with technology as it is you can work from home partly. I'm not sure what field you're in however, I can spend 80% of my time working from home accessing accounts and programs at work unless I need to be on site.

You may even have to try to "sell" the idea for other caregivers to take your son. I would think the last thing they would want is a problem dumped in their hands so switch your language to something more positive as to finding a "special caregiver who is talented in managing a brilliant (fill in the blank)"

I know what it feels like to constantly have the door shut in your face. Keep your chin up and know there are still more doors out there to open.

SLD,
Please don't think you're being judged, because you are not. All the advice given here is just support from concerned fellow single parents. Although sometimes difficult to swallow, mostly always constructive. What matters now is that you have taken action to improve the situation, and that was the sole purpose. You sound like a very devoted and caring parent and I know in my heart that you will find a solution to this. Please keep us posted.

Wow by the sounds of it doesn't look like Alaska is ready for autistic children.

Maybe you have to open one up yourself, or perhaps think of leaving alaska altogether if nothing else pans out.

Or

Write an article in the newspapers, log all the agencies you spoke with and get media attention..no one likes the media, including the government so it is a sure fire way of getting things done...perhaps your not the only one in Alaska dealing with this obviously, surely there is a solution.

Alaska is definitely not ready for children with autism. I feel fortunate that I'm in the largest city where at least there is some help. The reality is that Alaska has a small population and just doesn't have the resources you'll find in most places. It's also a very very republican state and most social programs are considered handouts and get minimal funding.

I wanted to thank everyone for their responses and for reading my post. I said something about feeling judged and actually that's a feeling I always have, it's not the fault of anyone here. When I'm constantly judging myself, I can over-react to things others say. I always feel like I'm not doing enough, many autistic children are born to super parents who have super marriages... mine was born to a situation that could be much better.

I've talked with grandma and her attitude has improved since I wrote the post. That first post came after one of her explosions - she get's frustrated with my son and just goes off about autism, his parents, vaccines, you name it.

I've decided I need to find a full-time nanny for my children. It's going to take some time, I have to find the right person and figure out how to pay for it, and get my house ready for the things I want to do. As I said before, there is not a daycare in my city who will accept my son. That's not an exaggeration, it's a fact.

My dream is to just take my son and move to New England, or the Philly-Delaware area, or Southern California. Those places are at the fore-front of autism research and have amazing resources. I'd love to go back to school and learn how to work with autistic kids, or get a law degree and advocate for special education funding. However, mom is not down with that idea, and there are so many difficulties in doing it.

I also dream of just not having my ex's family to deal with. But the reality is they are a huge part of her life, a very close family, that will be part of mine for at least another 14 years.

Let me just say that I'd gladly offer to learn how to Nanny for autism and come do it...but you live in the prettiest and yet COLDEST FREAKING place on Earth. My health wouldn't have it. LOL

I'm just catching up on posts..and only this most recent one. I have a feeling I'll be reading back on a lot of posts in these threads though....I'm soaking in tons of info right now.

Wow, how fast things can change . I thought g-mas attitude was improving but when I got home after picking up the kids last night, my boy was developing a black eye. He's not going back to grandmas. I talked to his sister about everything that was happening to get as much of the story as I could. Then this morning I took him to school myself and talked with his teacher and the school nurse for about an hour. They have been noticing the same marks I was and wanted to know what was going on. Also talked to his mom last night. I don't know what I'm going to do, for now I'm just going to work for the hours that my son is at school. My boss is OK with that but I'm not sure how I'm going to pay my mortgage.

Wow, I am lucky and haven't had to try and find day care for my autistic son yet but now I can see it will be difficult! I do know about having to fight to get the therapies and treatments they need though. With autism growing at the rate it is you would think that more would be available for him and it's horrible that it's not. I am lucky and was able to move to a town where all the therapies he needs are available to him. Deffinately look into SSI if you haven't already, thats how I am able to stay home with Miah right now.

And Thank you BAMY cause I never would have known Miah was eligable when he was diagnosed if you hadn't told me!

And I agree Grandma belongs in jail!