Thanksgiving is just around the corner and here are my dilema.

The EX has said over the summer that he would like to spend Thanksgiving with the boys this year. Now, according to my decree, it's my year since it is odd. However, he thinks his "situation" negates whatever the decree says since he visits the boys whenever he feels like it and has basically given up majority of his time. Since he lives several states away, he could get a long distance plan in place and that would ensure him majority of the holidays. The long distance plan doesn't benefit me right now so I don't care to change the visitation portion of the decree (he can spend his own time and money).

The boys point of view:
The boys would like to spend time with their dad but they haven't spoken to him since the summer. No email or return phone calls. None of us here know what his plans are. Like usual, he may call two days before thanksgiving and say "get the boys packed" or he may say "sorry, I'm too busy".

My irritation:
What am I suppose to do? be on constant hold while he figures it out? Get ready for a completely lonely Thanksgiving by myself worring about the boys and not wanting to subject anyone to my gloom? Plan a spectacular Thanksgiving with friends only to have the boys suddenly off to their dads? Have the boys continue to wait by their phone, plan nothing and have a horrible holiday... while he figures it out at a whim.

I'm going to plan a spectacular Thanksgiving with the boys and if he should want them I'll let the boys decide. Is that even fair to them?

hmmmm, difficult.

I can imagine the predicament you're in.
How annoying that you have to wait for him to decide which way the wind is going to blow....

If he hasn't had contact since the summer, it's really not fair on all of you that he should have the right to say at the last minute "Pack" or "Sorry, not now".

If it's in your decree that you have them this year, I would stick to it. You don't want to facilitate his whims that he can just breeze in and out of your lives when he feels like it.
(Maybe easier said than done).

I don't know how old your boys are, i.e. if they are old enough to decide - in my country a child has a "voice" during a custody case from the age of 12 - but letting them decide the question of where to spend thanksgiving may make them feel they are having to take sides and feel responsible for something they might not want to be responsible for.

I would let your ex know, when he does eventually call, that it is very unsettling for your boys - and you, but maybe better not mention that - if he pops up without notice at the last minute with expectations.

Good luck!

Marielle,

Thanks for replying. I do feel better knowing you see the situation tough also.

grrrr.... I'm trying to be too fair... it seems as though i get the short end.

Anyway, my boys are 12 and 15. Hard as it may be, perhaps they are old enough to see how their father creates these avoidable situations. I really would have liked 2 weeks notice (written) and he commit to the plan. He is financially capable of seeing his boys more often.

How about forgetting to tell him my new address? Well, I have 21 more days to report it to the child support office. That would cover the Thanksgiving week.

That would be rotten. hmmmmmm......... any reason why I should continue to be fair and understanding???

you're already too understanding Tess. Yeah "forget" to report your new address, and you may as well forget where you put your sim card (maybe it flew out the window) LOL

How about going on a vacation with your boys and forgetting to tell him about it?

Want a guy's opinion?

I would stick with the decree. If he doesn't like him, let him spend his money to change it, like you said.

I think you are being more then fair. Don't let him walk all over you. He knows the rules, he knows when its his turn. He needs to grow up and accept the situation instead of being manipulative and controlling.

Screw him.

I know, easy for me to say.

thanks bikejon,

I think I'm not going to think about this too much anymore. .... if I keep it up... I may even forget what was bothering me.... he he he