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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Polls wanting opinions...I know I have posted this elsewhere but thought I would post here|
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Board Member |
I am a 23 year old single mom of a 2 year old little girl. VERY long story short, we were together for a few months and found out I was pregnant. About a month later I left him because I found out he had been hiding drug use from me and I didnt want to raise a child in that environment. While I was pregnant we maintained contact, I let him know how things were going and he cleaned up and got off drugs. I took him back when Hope was a month old and we were together for a year and a half before things went downhill badly. I left him for the second time and since then he has only been in her life when it was convenient for him. Shortly before Thanksgiving he finally started taking her for visitations every other weekend. Nothing is set up through the courts other than child support. He has no court order for visitation. I told him that he could see her whenever he wanted to, but could only have her overnight if he had a roof over her head. (for the longest time he was staying with different friends every night or sleeping in his car) At the end of Jan she was at his apt for the weekend and him and his gf got into a major fight. I'm not sure how much of it my daughter saw, he says his friend took her down to the park when him and his gf started argueing. I do know that his gf threatened him while he was holding Hope and she punched a hole in the wall of his apt. Since then Hope has been waking up with nightmares every night. Hope has not been back to her dad's apt since that weekend. I told him that if I wanted her subjected to that kind of argueing then him and I never would have split up, and he agrees with me on that. He has made no attempts to come over and visit her or to pick her up and take her out for a visit. I told him that he could do this, that I just didnt feel that she needed to stay in his apt with him and his gf (whom is an ex crack addict, her own 3 year old has to eat from a feeding tube and has other medical issues because of her mother's drug habit). basically I just want someone else's opinion. Am I doing the right thing? Hope still talks to her dad on the phone as much as possible when I can reach him. I have been more giving with him than I think alot of single mom's would be. Most of the time I was the one dropping her off and picking her up from his apt for his visitation with her. I wasnt even the one who asked for child support from him, for a brief period Hope and I were on assistance getting back on our feet after I left him. At the moment he's trying to play a guilt trip on me saying that they are going to put in him jail for a probation violation because he is out of work and unable to pay his child support which is why he is on probation in the first place. anyways, I am done rambling on...any opinions would be appreciated greatly. thanks
Jeanine |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
You are right to protect your child from danger. And if you let this man take her for visitation...she would be in great danger. As for the child support issue...do not feel guilty for seeking support for your child! It's time for this man to grow up and take responsibility, even if it means spending some time in jail...I'm sure if he and his girlfriend need drug money...they somehow come up with it...he can come up with a way to support his child. Don't give in...stand your ground!
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
First I messed up when I tried to reply the first time. I think what you are doing is right I think what you need to remember is that you can only do so much to help the father keep in touch with YOUR child. The child will realize one day who the father is and what kind of father he is. The one thing I would do though is make sure you get things down on paper like visitation and such because it could come back to hurt you later. I am going through the same as you except I am the dad wanting the mother to get involved. She was doing drugs and an alcoholic thats why we split and I kept the child.
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Parent on Board |
HopesMommy01,
You are making the right choices. Don't feel bad about childsupport it's his duty to support her. Number one rule always document everything because you will need it later if court issues come about. Hang in there you can do this. Don't let him make you feel guilty if he goes to jail because he knew what the consequences would be if he did not do what he was suppose to. You are doing the right thing remember that. You are protecting your daughter and that's what is important. Maywest  |
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I am New to SFV |
Jeanine:
When you first made the decision to leave this man when you were pregnant, you made the right, proactive choice. You are at a critical crossroads in your daughter's life right now --- yes, her father is a drug addict - but all of that doesn't even need to affect her unless you let it. Your daughter can know only love and peace unless you show her otherwise. It is impossible - read it again, IMPOSSIBLE - to have a stable, healthy relationship with somebody who has an addiction. You have bent over backwards for this man again and again. When is it going to be enough? You need believe in yourself enough as a parent and in your daughter's future enough to cease any and all contact with this man. I know that you couldn't have forseen the future, but the abusive situation that your daughter was exposed to has to be the last straw - period. There can be no more chances after this point. I wouldn't let him near my child. The burden of proof is on him at this point to prove that he is healthy, clean, sober and stable --- until all those conditions have been met, your daughter doesn't need to deal w/ the reality of having a dad who addicted to drugs. Our kids have to grow up fast enough as it is --- give your daughter a secure, happy and safe environment - her dad will become a distant memory until he is able to prove what being a dad is really all about. I wish you all the best - and you and your family will be in my prayers. |
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Parent on Board |
hello!
from what i got here i think you should take him to court if he wants to see his daughter. WHY? bcs the court is there for the best interest of HOPE! they are her voice in a sense. i dont think its a smart idea to let him have her by himself. why cant you be there? you have a place and you said he could only have her if he had a roof over his head. im sorry but that isnt enough!!!! parents are there to protect there child. i dont think he ment to put her in harm and maybe thats why he hasnt asked to see her alone bcs he knows better. i dont think you should be upset about it. just go with your gut insticts and im sure you are just giving in to feeling bad and thats how hope is going to get caught up in being at the wrong place. if you need to have a night off what about someone you can really rely on and not worry about some "ex" crack head! i hope you work some things out to make it a safer situation for your daughter. who cares what he wants if he wants her take him to court. dont let him play you on guilt. he should know better...but then again look who he is dating. he isnt making the best choices. and the money issue and a job. the DHS office has classes and more info on getting him one even if its flipping burgers. thats his fault. keep your emotions where they should be bcs hes using those to play with your head and thats not someone you want around! BEST OF LUCK! |
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Parent on Board |
Hi and welcome!
I have to agree with everyone else. It sounds like Hope has been through a lot with her dad. It's extremely kind of you to let him even see her under the circumstances. I can't say I would do the same. I think you might want to consider taking Hope to see a child pshycologist about the nightmares and such. My son is 2 1/2 and was having nightmares and stuff about Daddy too. Talking to someone gave me some ideas and helped me to work through this stuff with my son. We also set up a doll house and made each little doll a memmber of the family. Each room in the doll house is a separate "house". My son acts out all kind of stuff that goes on and will tell me much more as the mommy doll than he would if I actually talked to him about what's scaring him. I really think it is in Hopes best interest not to be with her dad unsupervised for a while. It just sounds like too much is happening in your ex's life that is not good for her. The court approach is a good wa to go about it but also very costly and time consuming, is there any way you two could work it out on your own? Good luck and keep us posted! Jakesmommy |
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"SEEKING: 25th hour & 8th day" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Hopesmommy,
I am with everyone else on this. You sound like a very good mom and you need to be very strong on this. I would rather my daughter have one parent that is a good strong role model than 2 that are messed up. If he is still using and has that type of situation in his household, KEEP HER AWAY. If he presses the issue to court, go for supervised visitation. I too want my daughters father to be a part of her life but not at the cost she has to pay for being with him. He is not an alcoholic or drug user. He is just messed up naturally and will not get help. Good luck honey.... Stay strong! Carla |
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"Board Member" Board Member |
Frankly, I think you should stop making the contact for him. This type of behaviour does nothing but enable. If he wants to see/speak to her, he needs to be a big boy and make that effort.
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Polls wanting opinions...I know I have posted this elsewhere but thought I would post here
