Okay,now tell me if this sounds totaly nuts.how about a bunch of single parents get together in a big house and start a communal household.i'm not talking about some wacky jonestown/david karesh type deal,but just a group of parents and their children pulling together resources
to make life easier.or am i just being lazy
ha ha

who would make the rules of the house?

who would enforce the rule?

I don't thinks it is crazy, just a lot of work...

BUKWHEAT, Robin, et. al.
I've been thinking about this a lot, too. What single parents suffer from most is lack of resources-- lack of $$, lack of time, lack of support, right? One of the most obvious ways to address this is through some sort of communal living.

There are a couple of possible models out there. One is offered by co-abode
[URL=http://www.co-abode.*** ]web page[/URL]. Log on, join up and find other single parents to share a house with. That might work out great. Frankly, at 32 and out of a nasty relationship I don't exactly want to take my chances. I'm enjoying being the mistress of my household. So... while I still hold out hope for finding a good "match" I'm not going to hold my breath. Robin's concerns about the level of work involved seem's to fit in with my concerns. Do I really want to "blend" my family?

Option two is that new-fangled version of the commune-- co-housing(web page). In short, from thier FAQ

quote:

We'd like to live in a cohousing group just with people who are already our friends. We want to live in a cohousing community that's all vegan/Christian/gay/women/older people/artists/single moms....

Well, then you'd have to find 15 or 20 more people like that who also:

are financially able and emotionally prepared to buy a home,
are able and willing to take risks and can spend a good deal of time, money and energy well before the community is ready to move into,
really want to live in cohousing, and
want to live in the same area that you and others in your core group do.
Also, most people who are attracted to cohousing are actively seeking diversity in the communities they are planning; they want to live in a community with others who are not quite so much like themselves.

Co-housing sounds great-- but it is generally EXPENSIVE. How many single parents do you know that could BUY A HOME? I thought so.

There are other models out there and I'd like nothing more than to get a really good discussion going on this topic... particularily the legalities re- equal housing (cannot discriminate on the basis of children for buildings of 5 units or more), condo conversions etc. etc.

My FANTASY is a 50 unit (read apt./condo/etc.) or so development populated by by mostly families with a significant number of these being single parent families. We have on-site daycare (a free unit plus stipend for the daycare provider? rent reduction in exchange for staffing? fee reduction in exchange for staffing?) with separate accomodations for sick kids. We have a great playground. We have private security. We have a thriving barter system and co-op buying of groceries and supplies. A portion of rents go to creating an emergency fund(?) Rents are reasonable.
PIPE DREAM... affordable housing is generally seen a loosing proposition and creating a development like this just might take an act of congress (literally). Plus, what about all those people who don't live in major metros?

So reality leaves me with this. I might move to Troy, NY. It's not the greatest neighborhood and I'm still trying to figure out whether I want to brave the school district, but great buildings, affordable multi-unit homes (read $150,000 for 2-3 units) make it do-able. There might be a Troy-like town near you... So I buy one, owner-occupy one apt. and rent out the other two in a modified co-abode style to two other single parent families. We'll be able to provide support for each other and keep our autonomy. Maybe we can convince some other single parent families to do the same (condo conversions anyone?) and we can build a community. It's short of my dream but it sure seems better than where I am now.
Anyone have any insights on any aspect of these ideas? Any real estate lawyers out there? Bill Gates? Leads, feedback, fantasies?

I don't know about a BUNCH of single parents together (too many sets of rules for me) but I do know after I split w/ my ex and moved into my first apartment by myself, I took in a roommate, a single mom in the same posistion. It ended up working out amazingly well. We worked different schedules so we could watch each others kids. (no day care costs!) the kids were both only children and they loved having another kid in the house to play with. Because both us moms could relate so well to each others posistions, we got along quite well. It's been 4 years since that happened, but me and her are still good friends and our kids are the best of friends. We both have places of our own now, but we like to sit and reminice about the tiny little apartment we started out in, and our cozy little "family". If anyone is worried about starting again on their own, I highly suggest finding another single mom (or dad!) and getting an apartment together. I know that a lot of the problems I faced were the same that she faced and having someone who could truly understand my situation helped immensely. It's like having the support of another adult in the house, without all the drama of being in a relationship.

quote:

Originally posted by Seraphin:
[qb]I don't know about a BUNCH of single parents together (too many sets of rules for me) but I do know after I split w/ my ex and moved into my first apartment by myself, I took in a roommate, a single mom in the same posistion. It ended up working out amazingly well. We worked different schedules so we could watch each others kids. (no day care costs!) the kids were both only children and they loved having another kid in the house to play with. Because both us moms could relate so well to each others posistions, we got along quite well. It's been 4 years since that happened, but me and her are still good friends and our kids are the best of friends. We both have places of our own now, but we like to sit and reminice about the tiny little apartment we started out in, and our cozy little "family". If anyone is worried about starting again on their own, I highly suggest finding another single mom (or dad!) and getting an apartment together. I know that a lot of the problems I faced were the same that she faced and having someone who could truly understand my situation helped immensely. It's like having the support of another adult in the house, without all the drama of being in a relationship. [/qb]

Seraphin,

This sounds great! When I had 1-2 child(ren), it would of been much easier for me to share space with another single parent. I was fortunate enough to be able to have a place of my own. The quiet was a little loud at times, but we managed. I had quite a few single mom friends at the time that had small children, and we were all blessed to have the minimal resources we did to have our own.

I suggest this idea to anyone....if you can find someone that is able to share the cost of everything with you...GO FOR IT!

Great idea....

In Patch Adams' book "Gesundheit", there are a couple of pages in the back with references to books about Communal Living, if you want more info about setting up "rules" for such an arrangement. Even Patch's own commune split up after some time; these arrangements can be fraught with problems.

I had a great experience with communal living once. The big sacrifice is privacy.

-BDad

you could publish it to vh1 to follow surreal life ....

i mean come on... the problems those folks have are tripe in comparison to the single parents here .... you could make a fortune!

there would be episodes with the following titles.

"when kids don't share"
"biting is still biting if you bite back"
"im not eating pbj again tonight"
"don't make me stop this van"

it is a virtual gold mine of shows season after season ... thats how you solve the money woes

Hey,

Calling it a commune makes it sound crazy, but if you call it having a roommate then it doesn't sound crazy. Really, what sounds crazy is that the only socially acceptable way for adults to share living space is to have a romantic relationship.

Living together could have so many benefits. The most obvious are financial, but sharing tasks, skills, time, and companionship could dramatically improve the lives of both single parents and their children.

Financially, the cost of living in one large place is less than the cost of living in two smaller places. Two people who are paying rents separately could instead be paying a mortgage together; it's better to own half of something than all of nothing. There are plenty of other things of which buying in bulk quantities is more cost effective than buying in small quantities.

For tasks, many household jobs would easier done by twice as many people, yet would not be twice the work when done for twice as many people. Examples are shoveling snow, dusting, vacuuming, and mowing the lawn. Cooking for 2 isn't much more work than cooking for 4, but I'd love to only cook half of the week.

For skills, people are good at different things and a team would be as strong as the combined strengths of the individuals. I like to maintain cars and do home repair. I don't mind cooking, cleaning, or doing laundry. I hate shopping, decorating, and I throw away lots of clothes that could probably be mended. I believe there are a lot of people out there who's skill sets would complement mine.

For time, how nice would it be to be able to run to the store after the kids are asleep? How nice would it be to have a regular night each week for an out-of-home activity? How nice would it be to spontaneously ask somebody out? With another responsible adult in the house, these things would be possible.

For companionship...well...I think this forum proves the benefits of that...and I bet the kids have as much need of this as the parents.

Yet society has decided that in order to get these benefits you have to be romantically involved with the person from whom you are getting them. That narrows down the cohabitation candidates to a tiny fraction of the world: the fraction that also gives you the feelings of attraction you need in a mate. If romance wasn't a requirement, then the number of candidates would be much larger. A roommate doesn't need to be restricted by things like age, gender, or physical characteristics. A good amount of the world is responsible and good: a credit report and a police history would go a long way to prove that about a person. How many people would feel comfortable getting permission from a person they are dating to obtain these? Roommates could also have legal documents specifying exactly what is and is not allowed in their living arrangement. That document could be drawn to expire in a defined period of time and need periodic renewal. That sounds a lot better than the lack of agreement most dating people have when they move in together. Actually, it sounds a lot better than a marriage agreement where you are bound to whatever crazy actions the other person chooses to take and whatever trouble they choose to get in...indefinitely.

No...I don't think the idea of having single parent families join forces and live/work together is crazy at all. In fact, I think it's crazier to not consider the idea...

Later,
Bobby

When I was first divorced, I moved in with 2 other women. We had 7 kids beween us. One stayed home and watched the kids during the day and 2 of us worked. No daycare expense. It was fun for a while, but after a yr we were ready to get our own places. I took the babysitter with me(she didn't have kids) She lived with me for another yr while I got on my feet. We were both early 20's and had alot of fun together. My kids adored her and I just payed all the bills and gave her an allowance. I just realized that this sounds like a marriage. We were just friends.

The privacy issue...well, I one way around that is to have separate apartments in the same house.

For one thing, I have a vacant apartment downstairs...before I had a mother of 3 watching my son there and the money I gave her made her rent really low. The bad side of this arrangement is that I'm not in the greatest location. I'm trying to move away before my son is in the 6th grade at least. A good side is that I am next door to a college...

Another thing I'd be willing to do is move to somebody else's house. I could rent both apartments in my place and pay rent to someone else. It'd help if it was multi-family, but we could make a single family work. It'd be wonderful if it was in a nice area with a good school system. One bad thing is that I have a dog. I probably wouldn't want to live this way more than a couple years though...

If the person was looking to buy a house, I would be willing to buy a duplex with them and split the mortgage and expenses. I'd be really uptight about the numbers, but we could come up with something fair. I'd need to live around the Boston area, as I plan to be a student there, but I won't be able to buy another house for a couple more years.

Of course I'd need to trust this person before any of these arrangements could be made. A police and credit history would do a lot for me...an interview even...really...around 3 months worth of interviews...but I wouldn't have to be in love with them.

Arggghh...why is it why we're not supposed to have the benefits of living with another responsible parent unless we're also in love with them? Love might not come for years from now...maybe long after my son's grown up as a disadvantaged kid. Love will probably come very late seeing as how I meet around 4 new people a year...and usually those 4 don't include anyone female...but if I had 1 night every week for me to go out and do something and actually get around people? Even if that was the only benefit of joining forces with another single parent, it'd be worth it...

Maybe it's because of the way I got divorced, or maybe it's because I don't have any friends or family around...but cohabitation sounds pretty reasonable to me. Coabode.com was supposed to be about this, but it was a bust...I'd at least to wanna know if other people think (or don't think) these ideas are crazy...

quote:

Originally posted by BigBobby:
[qb] A roommate doesn't need to be restricted by things like age, gender, or physical characteristics. A good amount of the world is responsible and good: a credit report and a police history would go a long way to prove that about a person.

Roommates could also have legal documents specifying exactly what is and is not allowed in their living arrangement. That document could be drawn to expire in a defined period of time and need periodic renewal.

Actually, it sounds a lot better than a marriage agreement where you are bound to whatever crazy actions the other person chooses to take and whatever trouble they choose to get in...indefinitely.

Later,
Bobby [/qb]

I think though that when you agree to live with someone, even though you may have looked at police history and credit..I don't think it would be enough to satisfy my own worry of other things. I would have to really know someone that I live with. I would hate for the other parents child to do something to mine. Even the arguing that would be sure to happen, because people have different ideas of child rearing. Like the type of clothes their kids wear and the music they might hear in the next room that I might allow that another parent wouldn't . Again this is an example. There would be many...like even religion in the house or personal outlooks. I may spoil my child more and it could build resentment from both the other parent and child. The food that gets cooked and the likes and dislikes of the menu. I also know that I wouldn't want to be responsible for yet another child in the absense of that parent. Although that would be the most minor. Living with another single parent as a roommate would be nice financially but I personally would have to really really know that person..and even then...I think about how many times I cringe at how my BEST FRIEND raises her kids. A person has to be REALLY flexible to do something like this based on a police report and credit history. You could end up living with a really good thief.

You mentioned some really good points...but I think the cons would eventually outweigh the good purpose of living together. When I think about all the little things like the toothpaste cap and the things my daughter leaves laying around the house....when you marry and you love someone with kids...the love makes the flaws lessen. You tend to put up with or overlook faults in people. Marriage or just roomates, either way, once you agree to something it is difficult to back out if things don't work out.

quote:

Originally posted by THINKER:
[qb]I think though that when you agree to live with someone, even though you may have looked at police history and credit..I don't think it would be enough to satisfy my own worry of other things. I would have to really know someone that I live with. I would hate for the other parents child to do something to mine. Even the arguing that would be sure to happen, because people have different ideas of child rearing. Like the type of clothes their kids wear and the music they might hear in the next room that I might allow that another parent wouldn't . Again this is an example. There would be many...like even religion in the house or personal outlooks. I may spoil my child more and it could build resentment from both the other parent and child. The food that gets cooked and the likes and dislikes of the menu. I also know that I wouldn't want to be responsible for yet another child in the absense of that parent. Although that would be the most minor. Living with another single parent as a roommate would be nice financially but I personally would have to really really know that person..and even then...I think about how many times I cringe at how my BEST FRIEND raises her kids. A person has to be REALLY flexible to do something like this based on a police report and credit history. You could end up living with a really good thief.

You mentioned some really good points...but I think the cons would eventually outweigh the good purpose of living together. When I think about all the little things like the toothpaste cap and the things my daughter leaves laying around the house....when you marry and you love someone with kids...the love makes the flaws lessen. You tend to put up with or overlook faults in people. Marriage or just roomates, either way, once you agree to something it is difficult to back out if things don't work out. [/qb]

Some of these things did happen when I had another single parent living in the other apartment in my house. Having separate apartments is a way to get around the cleanliness and toothpaste cap type issues, but I must admit that I wasn't crazy about the role model she provided for my son. She had lots of kids without any way to provide for them and no real plan for changing her situation. Ultimately, when she adopted 3 of her sister's kids, she moved out and I was a little relieved. Still, there were a lot of benefits. For one thing, instead of coming home on a bus after school my son now goes to the Boys and Girls' Club. I'm not sure if the things he's learning there are any better than what he learned before.

I'm at least willing to give this another shot. Personally, I'm very aware and able to act however another parent would want me to with regard to their child. I feel I can pretty much get along with anyone...heh...I spent 2 or 3 relatively happy years living with a wife that absolutely hated me

...and we could make sure that our first legal agreement is short (6 months or so) in case things don't work out. If things are really bad, we can call it a nice try and go our separate ways with some odd memories to tell people about later.

...but if it *does* work out...jeez...our kids could have the benefits of a two parent household (if you define it as two parents in one house). We wouldn't have *** and we wouldn't say "I love you"....but we could efficiently use our resources in the way that married couples do, we could both be good role models for our children, and we could both support each other. You know, we might also both have some free time to find someone else too...someone that we *could* have *** with and say "I love you" to...

Anyway...I still haven't given up hope for this...lol...got a lot more hope for *this* than I do for falling in love again...

Later,
Bobby

Sounds like a unique idea, but I don't think it would work for me.
I like my privacy.

I live in Georgia, and right now, there are so many groups forming to create intentional communities. Single and married, etc. different kinds of groups, u name it. It is possible, all I know is that people are tired of struggling. Sometimes, u have got to compromise in order to get where u need to be.

Community = common unity.

It really isn't a bad thing. It is just that so many of us are spoiled and are use to our space. I know I am, but right now, I need some changes quick fast and in a hurry.

There are model communities set up. You learn how to do by-laws, etc.. census, u name it. Something that people do is co-housing. Living in a cluster of homes, having common eating areas and other sharing areas. But there are so many ways to do it.

Go to www.ic.org to learn more about intentional living and if anyone just wants to chat about the spirit of community, send me a message.. I have a lot of info to share and a lot of faith that our prayers will be answered, cuz it is just too many people struggling right now.

i've thought about this communal living thing a lot, and it sounds like a great idea...

but i don't like crowds, i generally don't like being around more than a few people at any given moment.

and i *need* a romantic relationship. not because society says it's what's acceptable, but because that's what my heart knows it needs.

and my child is mine, not a bunch of people's.