THE GUY'S RULES

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE! (read to the end, that's the best part!)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports.
It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, *** or food.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes
.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

I'm dying here. The author deserves a Pulitzer. So funny and too true. Thanks Angie.

LADIES READ THIS!

JD....you'd never say any of these things...you'd be like "yes dear, no dear." Play the manly-man card..I don't buy it!

Angie- that is great..but you'll forgive me if I don't send that to my current beau!

OH OH OH!! I've never heard those ones before.. This is what I know.. (ALL FOR FUN, MIND YOU!)


1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move: a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum

9. *Complaining* about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional)

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant ****-heads---
low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as true)

13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh

14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing

15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend

16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free

17. Only in situations of Moral and/or *** peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts

18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked

19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed

20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'

21. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan

23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean

25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer

26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding *** pending your response

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice ***, Are you a Sagittarius?

28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need

29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have *** with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary

30. When a buddy is trying to hook you up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either

31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes

32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey ***, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was

33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

So so true. I agree with jaydsdad. You know after 17 years of marriage I can finally see the light. If he were alive he would rub my nose in it. He would tell me to read it, memorize it, and live by it.
Now I have a 17 year old that is in on it. He told me the other day that rose is not a color but a flower.

LOL! Those are funny! JD, no one here is buying that!

Too funny, I must say that some are absolutely true, while others are not. And I'm not admitting to which is which

I could tell you are a smart man Don.

Don you cheesy fence sitter. Get into the ring with me here. I need back-up.

Keep it up JD, keep begging for disaster..and it will come.
Don...we know you're smarter than that!

Don?...Mark?...Big D?...where's Larry? Guys...I'm outnumbered and out brained here. Hello...any one of the male persuasion.

Give it up! There is no one coming to help you!

Admitting his weakness? Oh dear....medic!

I have to agree with nos. 2 and 19...!
That whole thing was very funny!

quote:

Originally posted by jaydsdad:
[qb] Don you cheesy fence sitter. Get into the ring with me here. I need back-up. [/qb]

Bob & Weave JD.
I gave up sparring too long ago to get back in the ring now. Besides, I don't know how they got ahold of these codes of ethics anyway, some of those were sworn to secrecy.