The other day I was talking to a neighbor and I must have said something negative about myself when she asked if I was going on a date.

Then she said "Why are you always putting yourself down? Your a good looking guy, really smart, have a great career and just the nicest person."

My wife's actions did crush my self confidence. I can't help but wonder how anybody could like me and accept my family when my on wife doesn't seem to want much to do with us. I mean she's their mother and doesn't want to be around us!

So now I admit. I feel like total garbage when I'm around women now. It may be irrational but it's tough to get over the wounds of being betrayed by someone you have total trust in for such a long time.

I know how you feel, when my Ex decided to leave he said he wanted to be with the other women that he really liked her and that "I like you, you are a nice person". How the **** does a relationship come down to that. That just makes me think that there must be alot wrong with me if he wanted to leave because I am just a nice person. I know that there is more to me than just that, just as I am sure you know there is more to you, but it is really hard to see that past someone leaving you who is supposed to alway be there.
I know that I am still working on it, but I am sure time will heal. Not only will you increase your self confidence, but you will also find someone that will be there for you, and that will also help to increase your confidence.

I struggle with this as well, on so many levels, I cannot begin to share. I can tell you a few things that have made a difference to me: 1)I honestly didn't know how negatively I think until I found myself in this new social network that I had to create when my husband left. Run, do not walk, I mean flee negative people. They are a very subtle infection. 2)Do something for somebody else who has less than you have. You will suddenly find reasons to be grateful for who you are and what you have. The fact that I can read is soooo easy to take for granted and never think of as a blessing until I met someone in my position who cannot.3) Fake it! Literally, you can talk yourself into it. When two people encounter the same problem, one might see it as a difficulty, and the other might see it as an opportunity or challenge. You can change your mind by talking yourself into a new way of thinking. For me, this attracted new people and situations in my life that helped me change my mind about my condition.

Like I said, it is a struggle; doesn't happen overnight. I need more assurance than is reasonable that a man I like wants a single mother just because she's a great person. And sometimes I feel this is all vanity, but I know life is no longer as tragic, woe-is-me, and sucky anymore. I mean I wanted to fall down and die when my husband left. I thought surely no one could survive that pain and live anyway, but you know what, I am somewhat thankful for that, because of the journey I have taken since then I couldn't have taken with him in my life.

I don't think I fully found my confidence in dating. I'm not sure if anyone really is.

Lately, I've been looking at dating as how much risk am I willing to take. I had the unfortunate experience where I felt lied and taked advantaged of. It makes me wonder if that is all I'm worth... and then I have to remember to not let the thoughts of others affect me... and to choose carefully.

My children keep me busy... so I'm wondering about time.

A good friend of mine suggested going on vacation with other single parents. She did this recently and went to one of those islands in the Carribean and everyone, including her kids, had fun.

If I knew the answer to that question I wouldn't be single now would I lol but here are some thoughts

I feel most confident after I've succeeded at something. Whether that's going to the gym for 3 months steadily, or completing a big project at work on time, or having a great day with the kids and feeling like a good parent. You don't have to have success with women to appear confident, so if you feel down about not having dates, forget it and concentrate on what you're doing right.

I've also noticed that I have a better response from women if I had a great day, so now I only try to meet women if I had a great day. If I had a bad day, I stay away from women lol.

Boy, do I know how you feel! It took me a long time to feel that anybody would ever find anything about me that was worthy! I spent alot of time recovering my self-esteem. My ex could get very vicious when he was drinking and I can't tell you how many demeaning things came out of his mouth. For a long time I avoided even looking in mirrors and only would talk to unavailable men. The only thing that finally saved me was that one day I finally woke up and stopped pretending that he was the man I wanted him to be and saw him for the man that he really was and then his words didn't hurt so much! One thing that helped me regain some confidence was volunteering at a senior citizins home--when i saw the joy I brought to them it made me feel special! My advice would be to find something that does not have to do with other women that makes you realize what a great person you are and slowly your confidence will return.

Hi-
Well LolaO took the words right out of my mouth - my first thought was "fake it til you make it". Meaning if you tell yourself something long enough, you will start to believe it. That goes for both positive and negative thoughts. Right now, you're probably stuck on the same old negative thoughts day after day (I know, I've been there, too). If you can somehow take the skipping needle off the record, so to speak, and start anew, that might help.
I also agree with helping others who have less or are less fortunate. I haven't done much volunteering since my daughter was born but will be getting back into the volunteer scene when I can. There are plenty of opportunities out there. (A good web site is volunteermatch.org.)
It is a process. You won't suddenly wake up one day and stop insulting yourself and start looking at yourself in a better light. But with time, anything is possible.

-Teresa

Wow, Pann. It's hard to believe a woman such as yourself would stay in that situation. It does happen to many people though. And here I am just trying to deal with issues from spousal abandonment.


I've thought of things like the gym and I used to do quite a bit of volunteer work when I was younger. However, the little free time I get to myself I feel like the world suddenly becomes an empty place.

quote:

Originally posted by singlein08:
I know how you feel, when my Ex decided to leave he said he wanted to be with the other women that he really liked her and that "I like you, you are a nice person". How the **** does a relationship come down to that. That just makes me think that there must be alot wrong with me if he wanted to leave because I am just a nice person.

My wife's first announcement of the situation went something like "How is it that I can love two men at the same time?" Looking back that was probably the most difficult question anyone has ever asked me as my throat seized up. But I try to laugh about it now.

quote:

I've thought of things like the gym and I used to do quite a bit of volunteer work when I was younger. However, the little free time I get to myself I feel like the world suddenly becomes an empty place.

That's exactly why you should spend that time doing something that takes your mind off of it. Believe it or not, there are people who are hurting way more than we are. Honestly, you have to force yourself. I mean I'd much rather go home and have a pity party and ask the world to join me than go tutor for three hours after a hard day's work. Oh my goodness, the depression I experience when my children are gone...just suffocating. But now, I'm doing something more meaningful with my time and i'm getting way more out of it than she is, truth be told.

And the difference it makes is being in contact with new people who invalidate all those awful things your ex ever said. You get what you give in this world, honestly. And the little bit I have done has always come back. That's just a principle I'm convinced of. I knew I would need support, so I gave support to somebody else. I knew I would need people who cheered for me, so I cheered for other people.

Well today I forced myself to be a bit more social. I managed to strike up conversations with three different women today. Much to my surprise they seemed to enjoy my company.

I supposed most of the contact I have with women on a social level these days is my ex. That's probably the root of my issues.