It's been awhile since I have been on here and I will now explain why! After I had my daughter I moved back in with my husband. And for those of you that have read some of my other post know what he's like. He seemed to have changed, we did counseling and he was around for the first time since my oldest was born. Well everything was good until about 2 weeks ago and now he has started drinking again and staying out all night at friends houses. Well given the reason that we split in the first place (He was unfaithful) this doesn't sit to well with me. And I just found out that he still talks to his ex and is "good friends" with her.

My kids have been so happy since we moved back into together. There has just been a dramatic change in them they adore their dad and love being with him everyday. I don't want to take that away from them. We are starting counseling again this week and he has agreed to start his meds again. ( He's been diagnosed Bi-polar and there's a history of mental illness in his family.) I guess I just want to advice as to when to say enough is enough. I wish with everything in me I has never getten back with him in the first place. I was so vulnerable and emotional after I had Abbi that it all just seemed like a good idea...

I would say to give the counseling a fair chance for a while before trying to decide when you've had enough. Since you are back with him and he is willing to try counseling, give it a decent opportunity, and don't dwell too much on you wishing you hadn't tried again during that time.
I hope that you two can work it out with the help you are seeking.

I hope and pray the counseling is successful. The fact that you both are going is a positive.
good luck

It's been a really long time since I have been here but I thought I would update ya. We have since split again. (The counseling never happend) and I am going to file for divorce tomorrow. I know it's what I need to do, he is toxic for me but it's still so hard. For the life of me I don't know why I am having such a hard time. I think I will be ok once it is done though. Another aspect of it all is he is being a complete jerk about everything since I told him that I am fileing and I wonder if I'm just better off not doing it. Any advice?

I am sorry to read that it didn't work out.
It is a messy and rough time when the reality of filing happens.
Be strong and be prepared for alot of harshness.

You are the only one who really knows the answer as to if you would be better off not doing it.
Good luck and keep posting. It really seems to help with dealing with the process.

Hey 4strong,
I know this has got to be a difficult time for you. It almost sounds like you do love him but he is not good for you. I think it becomes more difficult when we still care for the person but can't be with them because they distroy us and/or themselves. It sounds like he not only damages you but himself also.
If it gives you strength maybe thinking about what he will do to your children in the future if you don't make this move. I am not an avocate of divorce for sure, much rather see it work out for you, but if he is toxic to you. You can not take good care of your children if you don't make efforts to take care of yourself also.
I wish you the best, God bless.

I do care for him and that's the hardest part. He has turned a complete 180. When we got married he was a Christian, never drank, a complete family man. And now he hates God, is s drunk and says a family life doesn't intrest him anymore. I just wish I could have my husband back but I know that will never happen and it kills me. But your right about the kids I am leaving for them.

It sounds like his heart has been hardened. I know what that is like. I still love my ex., but I know now that I can't change him. He needs to do that for himself. He is working on it, but I need to take care of and do the right thing for myself and my kids. You need to do the same.

After I read your first post, I was kinda rooting for you to get up the courage to leave him. I promise you your kids will be better of not living with someone who abuses alcohol. Granted it is good if both parents love eachother and get along and are like the Bradys but most if not all of us who are on this site know that that doesn't always happen. It is worse I think if the kids live with someone like that than not live with them. Its damaging to live with an addict. Thats why there are so many members of ALANON.

Well I did it! I signed all the papers and we should be divorced by Wednesday. So I am finally done with all the ****. I am having a hard time dealing with it but I know that I did the right thing. It's been almost two years of giving him chance after chance and getting nothing but pain in return. I'm done

Good for you girl. I don't have too much experience with that type of stuff, but it always helps to have someone to talk to so feel free to PM me!
Emily

Hello, I have been through the part where you are where you are married to someone who is living a different life and it is tearing at your heart and hurting the kids. I think that you need to get support for yourself asap so you can stand strong. I didn't do that and now 5 years later and after having a fiance' for a year and a half it is starting to destroy any hope for me to trust that this relationship will work, not totally from my ex but because my ability to trust has been damaged.

Now I am starting counseling for myself and I encourage you to do the same so you can have a good chance at a healthy relationship in the future. Don't wait thinking time will heal...it helps but doesn't heal. Working on the issues, finding your truth and changing your behaviors to improve your daily life and having friends who accept and love you are what heals. Then we need to learn to love ourselves...OOOh Tough one!
LOL!!

"Healthy boundaries" are what you are needing and you are taking a stand and (only you know if you gave it your all) I would say you have. Look in a bookstore sometime and get the book by Henry Cloud and Townsend, go to the chapter about boundaries in marriage. You will feel better when you do. You don't even have to buy the book if you don't want to.

You will need counseling so you can remain strong and not lash out in front of the kids when he comes around. I think that is the hardest part when the kids think you are the bad guy for leaving him. It can make you so angry you want to scream at times. This is where you have to get help so you can be strong at those times.

I am considering joining a divorce care group in a church nearby because I never healed from all of the **** I went through. I think of this group as one tool of building a support group for myself to keep me strong. We are the ones that know where it iches....(meaning our needs) and we have to find what it takes to scratch it. We sometimes would prefer that others to just do the right thing but when they choose not to that it is then our decision to draw the line.

Sometimes waiting for them to decide to change can be detrimental to all involved "including your soon to be Ex." You are actually giving him the wake up call he needs. It is now his problem to deal with. And that is where the problem should be. You are choosing not to be an enabler!!! So important!!!!

I would keep it simple with the kids..let them know that it's not their fault and that you still love them but that it is not normal for this fighting to go on and that you are working to make it better so you can all be happier! They have good books you can get to help to articulate that better for them. Do it now while they are young and their hearts are not hardened.

You don't want to keep the kids from their Dad cause they will resent you for it. Just focus on you and the children at this time and what you need to do to go forward.

Remember this is one of the hardest things a person has to go through.(As you know) This is right under the loss of a child. It is no joke!
You can survive but you have to use the common sense God gave you and your own two hands to make it happen! Be the star of your own show in your own life! After all, this is not a dress rehearsal... IT'S YOUR LIFE what you do today affects your one and only life!!!!! PROTECT IT!!!

You are in Survival mode Girl!
And you will survive!!!!!
Warmly, Mary :balloons: