I have been dating someone for a while now and we have had sleep overs before at his house and at mine. I have been asking my kids to repect my privacy and to knock before entering my room. This morning, he forgot and, well, he saw something that he shouldn't have. He is 8 and now i feel i am going to have to have the *** talk with him. The problem is that i don't know what to say and his reaction was that he said he was scared. Then he showed signs of anger and there were lots of tears involved. Help!!! I am truly on the verge of a breakdown over this. I don't know how to handle this and my son wants me to not have a boyfriend now. What do i do???

Oh boy, not sure. Hopefully somebody knows what to do here. I am SURE this has happened to many people.

Hi perpetualma,

I think that's first time we've come acroos this to my memory. In the forums that is. I'm sure you aren't the first.

I think you are in a pickle. You may have no choice but to move the schedule up a few years. It seems the child is really struggling with this. I suspect that his little confused mind is seeing things as harmful. You may have to have the "the talk" with him sooner than expected. If he realizes that what he saw was an act of love and expression as opposed to hurt and pain, then maybe that will help him deal with it better.

Just my opinion. The truth may well be the only solution.

I agree with JD ... I think you have to tell him the truth. You made your bed - so to speak. I suggest doing some research on "how to tell a child about the birds and bees" ... and trying to word it in such a way that an 8 year old can sort of understand.

It's very important to help your son get thru this ... as it could be very traumatic for him.

I also think you should cool it for awhile. Put your child's best interests first, and tell your boyfriend to take a few cold showers.

Have you thought about locking the door? Even if it does not have a lock, you can wedge a chair under the door nob - to prevent your child from accidentially walking in on you in the future.

Good luck, you are in a difficult position (no pun intended) ... but I believe if you consintrate on helping your son thru it - you can smooth it over and make it ok.

Definitely going to have some explaining to do. You shouldn't have to get TOO detailed with him, but it does seem you'll need to give him an abridged version of "the talk"
And invest in a door lock for in the future, though a little cool off period may be in order, see how the talk seems to go, let him speak his mind a bit on how he feels.

I am not sure if this will help or not but I will give you what I know. I have had to tell my kids about this in the past. They were older but not by much.

I sat down and told them that sometimes when adults love each other, they like to be close in a special way. This is good to be saved for when two people are married but that sometimes people care so much for eachother that they want to be close in that way when they are not married. I just tried to make sure it was made aware to them that it is nothing to be ashamed of as it is a normal human thing. I also made sure to ask how they were feeling and let them know their feelings were valid also. I let them know I love them and would always love them no matter what closeness I felt for a man.

Again, I do not know how much if any this will help but it worked for me when they walked in on my ex and me when we were still together.

I have to agree to let your son tell you how he feels and then take it from there. Give as brief of answers as you can while still maintaining the truth. I also remind people to make sure that you give him as much time as he needs to express himself. Kids have a hard time putting stuff into words and need some extra time without interuption.
I am sure it will smooth back out in time.
Hope you get some help with this, God bless.

I would sit down with him and ask him if he has any questions about the incident. Then you answer the questions as simply and briefly as possible. Give just the information he asks for and nothing more. Open it up so he can come back to ask again and maybe continue to offer him chances at asking his questions. You don't want nor need to give any more information than he's asking for at this point..... his little mind cannot handle more than just what he's asking for.

My first response was the panicked Mom response. The latter was the one I learned in child development courses... just took the day to hit me. Basically that way you let them get the information at their own pace. Obviously, he has thoughts on this but you cannot, certainly not at 8, expect him to be able to express them all. Simple questions from him, after you letting him know you are safe and open to answer anything, will be his way of beginning to sort out the information in his head.

and Yes, young children often see it as an act of hurting, he probably thought your boyfriend was hurting you and that is why he is stating he doesn't want you to have anymore boyfriends. He loves you and probably thinks somebody was hurting his Mommy.

There is also the possibility he knows a lot more than you could ever imagine so do prepare yourself for that. Kids these days know a lot and they talk and learn from others at school and on the playground. You will find out quickly from his questions just what he knows and doesn't know.

Even if he does not think that he was hurting you, kids at eight have seen stuff like that on TV or at least heard statements about it from other kids. Many times those words are derrogatory and he will think about those statements with you in mind. That can't be easy for him but it is something he needs to get through.

I agree that taking it easy on the overnites might be a good idea. All perosnal opinions about how having men in the house overnite affects children, it really does seem the best opt for now at least.