I have found the most wonderful man. He has a steady job and hates drugs, which is a rarity where I come from. He treats me like a princess and loves my daughter (age 4) dearly. When our relationship started she was fine with it. She showered him with hugs and loved to play with him. There is rarely a time when she will ask him to play and he won't. He has already purchased her Christmas presents and want to be a big part of her life. As time has gone by she has come to not like him quite so much. She is very snappy with him and pouts when he isnt doing things exactly how she wants him to. I have tried time outs, I have tried talking to her, I have even tried spanking her. I make a real effort to make sure she realizes that she is still the most important thing in my life but it's like she resents him. I don't know what to do. Is there a way that I can make this better for everyone. I love my boyfriend dearly but my daughter will always be my number one. Please help me.

r YES THE CHILD DISLIKING THE BOYFRIEND. MY DAUGHTER 4 AT THE TIME WAS THE SAME. FOUND A GREAT GUY SHE LIKE HIM AND IN MY MIND I HAD US MARRIED OFF WITH MORE KIDS. SOMETIMES KIDS HAVE THE INTUITION WE DON'T WHEN WE WANT SOMETHING SO BADLY. I JUST SPLIT UP WITH HIM B/C HE WASN'T IN LOVE WITH ME YET I HAD FALLEN HEAD OVER HEELS AND THOUGHT WE WERE AT THE SAME PLACE. HE SAID HE LOVED ME, TREATED ME LIKE A PRINCESS, AND EVEN TALKED ABOUT WHEN WE WOULD HAVE KIDS. tHEN ONE DAY OUT OF THE BLUE I ASKED HIM IF HE WERE IN LOVE AND HE SAID NO NEVER HAD BEEN YET HAD BEEN ENGAGED BEFORE. HOW CAN U BE ENGAGED IF YOUR NOT IN LOVE? I THEN REALISED HE WANTED THE FAMILY UNIT AND WAS I GUESS LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT LOVE B/C WHAT WE HAD WAS SENSATION WE GOT ON LIKE A HOUSE ON FIRE NEVER ARGUED, ALWAYS SAME INTERESTS, LOVES, SO WHAT WAS THE PROBLEM. THAT IM STILL TRYING TO WORK OUT AS I WAS GOING TO ASK HIM TO MARRY ME ON XMAS MORNING SO U CAN IMAGINE THE BLOW 2 WKS AGO FINDING THIS OUT, YET ALLY AND I ARE GETTING ON HAEPS BETTER AND I REALISED THAT MAYBE HE WASN'T THE ONE AFTER ALL JUST A MEASURE FOR NOT TO SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT I HAD OFF HIM. TRUST YOUR HEART BUT TRUST HERS TOO SOMETIMES THEY CAN BE QUITE INSCITFUL WELL BEFORE WE ARE.

Well here's a theory..

When your boyfriend first met your daughter, he was trying the best he could to win her approval, her affection. Now that trust has been built between them [maybe], he's able play more of a role of a "step-parent" - not catering to her every needs; setting boundaries; limitations? instead of just being the cool friend to play with.

In her perspective, here's this man that's been so kind and generous with her. I can imagine she had him, at one point, wrapped around her little finger? Now she's noticing that he's not so willing to be doing everything HER way: "pouting when he's not doing exactly what she wants him to".

I think its a normal phase. There's more to step-parenting than just "playing" with the kids. In the end, once she's accepted his role beyond "doing everything she wants him to" she'll respect him for it. She's only testing his boundaries.

Ask her privately when you're out on one of those mom-daughter outtings. You'd be surprised at what 4 yr olds will tell you.

Good luck with it.
jes

He is stepping across her line now as he gets closer. She is being protective of her territory.
Sounds like you got a spirited little one. That's gonna work for her in the future if guided in the right direction.

He isn't the "dad". She knows this. He must strive for friendship and not much more. You must stay unchanged.

I've suggested this once but haven't got any feedback so I don't know if it works.

Play good cop, bad cop with her. Let her and your boyfriend get in trouble together. Something silly. You pretend to get mad at both and go off pouting. Now they're in the same boat. He can talk about how bad he feels and maybe the will find common ground there.

If you try it, let me know how it went. They must build their own unique bond outside of you.

...or maybe I've inspired other ideas. Good luck.

Just a thought but I think your partner needs to establish a more adult child relationship with her. It is a bit scary when you are 4 to be in control and when that happens the child can test the boundaries further and further looking for someone to say that is not acceptable. I don’t mean he has to play the heavy father, just when the pouting starts say it is no fun playing when you are being mean, I am going to have coffee and we can play again later. You are doing all the regulating and you need to stand back and let him establish the boundaries between the two of them. He needs to respect her and she needs to respect him and they have to do that between them. Give him some ideas on how to handle it and then let him do it. It is not great for you to have to police their relationship, I agree with the point that they have to build their own unique bond that is outside of you which means they have to sort their relationship between them. If your partner has not had lots to do with children then you may have to give him some ideas on handling behaviour, distraction etc etc.

If she were the center of your life prior to your dating, what kid in their right mind isn't going to get pretty miffed when she sees herself no longer the center of your world. She sounds like a normal 4 year old to me

Contrary to modern day doctrine that kids come out pure and innocent and it's we parents who corrupt them, I think human nature is very self-centered and that�s a reality we have to factor in when parenting. This is a great opportunity for your daughter to learn you are the parent, you do have a life and identity of your own and realize it�s you who�s the center of your family, not her. Sounds harsh to some, but are we doing our kids any favors letting them grow up continuing to feel everything circles around them? As far as what to do � if time-out doesn�t work, how about loss of favorite toys?

Personally, I don�t think he should have to do anything to try to win her approval � keeps her in the driver�s seat. He does need to show love and respect to her, which it sounds like he already does. And I�m of the thinking his involvement should continue to be cautious and limited but obviously, he will have some contact. The rest is up to her.


Good luck! Many of us see ourselves and situations we've encountered when we read your post

my situations the same.. so i thank you all for the advice as well.. and good luck with all this... she'll warm up to him.. im convinced its the 4 yr old stage

My daughter went thru it at 6. I had a boyfriend that Iw as with a year ago and when she realized that we were more than friends...she couldn't stand him. now that we are just friends again she has no problem with him. She didn't like my boyfriend now at first either but she has warmed up to him and will play around with him. He has never and will never cater to her. He doesn't try to be a dad to her she already has 2 but he won't take any crap from her either. He tells her straight and if he says or does something I don't like I speak to him about it. He has a 9 yr old sister that stays over a fair bit and plays with my daughter ... so when they get out of hand we alternate as to who gets to deal with it. Just talk to her and talk to him and I personally like JD's idea sounds like it might work. GOod luck hope it works out for you.

At some point in your relationship, he will need to decide that he will be a parent first, and a friend second. My kids are 15 and 11, I am there friend, but more importantly I am their dad. Being a parent means that you have to meter out punishment as deemed necessary. However, friends get to slide by without having to make tough decisions.

Good luck