Hi,

I just joined this site, looking for a place that is supportive. I'm 4 months pregnant and have been in my relationship for 6 1/2 months. Yea, surprise! We decided we both wanted to do this, but since finding out I'm pregnant my boyfriend has been living at the Waffle House. His philosophy is he wants to be in this (so he says), but he doesn't want to live together, he doesn't feel that feelings are important, doesn't understand that I might need support during my pregnancy, seems quite fine with me continuing to live alone while I'm pregnant, and has no realistic plans on where $ will come from or that there is much planning needed to be done. I believed I loved him, but I question why I'm in this relationship if he's offering no financial or emotional support. At the same time he says he cares about me and while he does say he has concerns about our relationship, he also says that he can envision our future as a family and doesn't think that we can't make it through. HUH???? I'm not wild about the idea of doing this alone, but I'm also not willing to be in a relationship that doesn't meet my needs or is less than I deserve. I'm scared and confused, but starting to become a little pissed and annoyed as well.
Any feedback is appreciated.

First of all, I gotta say that I first thought your bf was *really* living in a breakfast-themed restaurant? lol...I'm kinda dense sometimes. Maybe this is a saying that most people know but I haven't heard...

I'm sorry to hear that the father of your child is not being supportive. During this time, you really do need more than it sounds he is giving you. I can understand why you're pissed.

I think the best thing for you to do, would be to seek another person for support (for Drs appts, help around house, talk to, etc). Is there a family member that can help? A good friend that you know? There are support groups for single pregnant women; other women on the board might be able to help you with locating them. I remember our doctor pointed us in the direction of services (including financial) for people in difficult pregnancies.

I wouldn't look for another relationship with a man though, nor would I break off what you currently have with your boyfriend. While he certainly isn't giving you everything you need, he isn't entirely avoiding responsibility either. If you leave him alone, there's a good chance that he may grow and improve over time. I know that I did not behave as maturely as I could when I first found that my ex was pregnant...

I'm sorry that I can't offer more advice than this. I'm a father, however, and can't truly understand what you are going through. Welcome to the site.

Later,
Bobby

Dont know if you are still around but I take it you just recently found out that you were pregnant and its his first? Man with my first I was shell shocked. I wanted to be there but it took a little bit for me to come out of it. Just give him a little time. If he truly wants to be there he will be.If he doesnt, then I am just an idiot so disreguard lol. But I hope all works out for the 2 of you

Hi, and welcome! I am sorry to hear about your situation. I agree with everyone else about giving him more time and space. You found out you were pregnant very early in your relationship! I have to give him respect for not running away from the situation--lot's of men just bolt! Some men can not see the reality of the situation until after the baby is born and they have a real, live human being to see. It sucks because your pregnant and want to make sure your future and the little ones is secure but sometimes they dont get it until they can see their child.

Good luck and congratulations on becoming a Mom!

Thanks to all of you who have responded. I appreciate the feedback. I'm trying to give him space, but as the last post said it does **** to be pregnant and trying to gain security and clarity and only finding ambiguity and confusion. Our last "discussion" was a marathon in which he indicated he didn't feel like he had the "feeling" he needed to have to be in a relationship, but wanted to build up our "friendship" to help us negotiate how to parent this child together. I have had similar concerns along the way, but feel that I just can't make that decision until we go through this journey and see what unfolds. He was agreeable to that and indicated that he wasn't sure that there was no possibility of us staying together through this also. I felt better when we talked, but days later I still find myself saying HUH??? what does that mean?
Is he just mollifying me? Do I really want this to work either for more than just the fact that we're having a child together? GOD, everything is so unclear!!! Plus, my head is spinning with the worries about finances when the baby arrives - mainly child care bills in addition to my other bills which keep me on a tight budget as it is.
I realize I'm blathering on and hope somebody can follow the maze that just came out. This is just so hard.

Thanks again.

I know this must be very difficult for you, but all I can really say is hang in there. Hopefully as time progresses your bf will come around.

Another thing you might think of is finding a local support group for single moms. This way you have actual shoulders to cry on when needed and real hugs. This site is great, but there is only so much a virtual hug can do.

Best of luck.

I also wanted to add, that I was in a similiar situation as you are...I was with my ex a little over a year before I got pregnant. He actually asked me to get pregnant, as his dad was dying and he felt that something was missing in his life. After I got pregnant he went through a multitude of feelings...I want to be with you and be a dad to this was all a mistake. We started fighting all the time because I wanted him to make plans for our future and he wanted to spend my pregnancy living his "free" life. Well, it ended up that he walked out the door and never returned ( no phone calls, talking, nothing) until he showed up midway through my delivery. We got back together and spen tthe next 5 years fighting, moving in and out, ect...
The biggest mistake I made was siting around waiting for him to get it together to be a family. I turned down many opportunities because I did not want to remove myself from the possibility of him coming back! I should have made plans on living my life as a single mom and ended the relationship right then and there!!! I would have saved myself and my son many years of heartache!

Hi

Thanks for that add-on. I'm exactly there. Should I just make the call and say you're not doing anythng productive for me and end it or give him space/time? That's my quandry - both with pros and cons. I am trying to make plans though. I'm being proactive about where I can live, child care, support, etc. whether or not he's a part of that, because my greatest fear above all is to sit around and wait for him to do something, only to realize he's doing nothing at the 12th hour.
Also, I think the support group is great, but am having a really hard time finding one that is a support group for single parents/pregnant and single etc. rather than support groups for people who are trying to decide whether to keep their baby or not. Any suggestions on support groups would be greatly appreciated, as I do need the real-time, in living color, thing as well.

Many thanks.

I was in a similar situation but me, being the man was a lot harder. We had only dated for a few months when she got pregnant (according to me in purpose just to keep me), I knew from the very beginning that I wanted to be a father but I also knew I did not want to be with her, I also wanted my baby to have my lastname. My ex could never understand that my feelings for our daughter weren't related to my feelings for her, don't make the same mistake, I'm not saying this is the case, I'm just sharing my experience.He might want to be a father but not to have a relationship with you, there's nothing wrong with that and certainly doesn't mean there's something wrong with you, that's why we date, to get to know each other. I told my ex many times "Don't you think I wish to be in love with the mother of my child?", I mean, if I was going to love some on, might as well be the mother of my daughter, but you can force feelings, you can do what I did, put up with her for the sake of the situation but either you love some one or you don't.

quote:

Originally posted by ChristinaLuv:
Hi

Thanks for that add-on. I'm exactly there. Should I just make the call and say you're not doing anythng productive for me and end it or give him space/time? That's my quandry - both with pros and cons. I am trying to make plans though. I'm being proactive about where I can live, child care, support, etc. whether or not he's a part of that, because my greatest fear above all is to sit around and wait for him to do something, only to realize he's doing nothing at the 12th hour.
Also, I think the support group is great, but am having a really hard time finding one that is a support group for single parents/pregnant and single etc. rather than support groups for people who are trying to decide whether to keep their baby or not. Any suggestions on support groups would be greatly appreciated, as I do need the real-time, in living color, thing as well.

Many thanks.

This coming from someone who has been in exactly the same situation as you... move on without him! If not for anything but your own sanity and well-being, especially during the pregnancy when it's important to have stability (for your sake and the baby's). Don't put yourself through the mental anguish of the back and forth mind games from the father.

Just tell him he knows where you live and if he wants to be a part of this to **** or get off the pot. No more mind games. I wouldn't call him or email him anymore. Don't beg, cry, plead, nada.

It's simple really and it took me a very long time to figure it out too - if he loves you, NOTHING can keep him from you and the baby. Simple. Period. He should want to be with you every step of the way during this pregnancy if he wants a family & future with you.

Please move on and just focus on you and the baby. Focus on your baby's security and future. File for child support now. I waited hoping the father would come around and scared that filing for support would chase him away even more. My mistake! I'm still not getting support because I waited too long. He's not around and not involved. And let me tell you... the day I realized he did not want to be a family and I decided to move on, it felt like the biggest weight was lifted from my shoulders and my eyes were clearer and I was able to focus on my baby and being the best mother I could. It hurt like heck for awhile but it was nice knowing I didn't have to waste anymore energy on something that wasn't going to be.

You and your little one are in my thoughts and my heart. I feel for you as you are in a very lonely and difficult place to be. Just know there are brighter days ahead the sooner you get rid of him.

I appreciate both the recent male and female perspectives. I think there's alot of both in my situation. Currently, he wants us to move into as "friends" to be together with the baby and "see if our relationship evolves (back??) into more than friendship once we're together more and the stress of the past few months has settled down." Part of me thinks it's a great idea as I also have many doubts about relationship and whether we're right for each other and also want to know that I gave it all the chances it could to work whether it does or not, but part of me thinks OMG! what if it devolves into resentment and feeling stifled????? I just don't know.
Sorry to rattle on about this, but as I originally wrote I'm pregnant and confused.

I can't thank everybody enough for the support and feedback. It's been so very helpful.

First question is are you in love with this fella?If you are then it might be ok to try the friendship into love phase. if you aren't then I would say don't waste each others time. But that is just me. And I have never been pregnant so don't judge me too quick. But if you don't love him then I would just stay friends. That way you both can move on with your lives and still keep the communication lines open. You don't have to be together just because you are having a child. But you should try and be friends for the childs sake.

quote:

Originally posted by ChristinaLuv:
I appreciate both the recent male and female perspectives. I think there's alot of both in my situation. Currently, he wants us to move into as "friends" to be together with the baby and "see if our relationship evolves (back??) into more than friendship once we're together more and the stress of the past few months has settled down."

Well, having a baby can be more stress on a relationship that wasn't working to begin with. In my case I found it to strengthen the relationship but in general life observations it doesn't always seem to be the case. He should be giving you 100%+ percent and not just seeing if it works out. It takes a maturity to make it work.

Is he there to rub your belly, get you foods your craving, take you to the Ob/Gyn appointments, pick out names?

He's been given a gift to share some amazing and intimate moments and shouldn't feel stifled. It's just part of life.

Do I love him? Hmmmmm, honestly I don't think so, but I do care about him and wonder if it could be more. Given the fact that I got pregnant so early in our relationship I wonder what would have/might develop. I also want us to be able to have a relationship that is mutually productive for raising our child, if that's at all possible. Finally, the reality of financial matters is, living together as "co-parents" if nothing else will be much less stressful regarding money. What I wonder is how might that effect custody, child support, etc. later if we decide that such an arrangement isn't productive. Also, how will that affect the baby. I have no illusions that if it's difficult now that it won't be 10x more difficult when the baby arrives, but I suppose I'm hopeful (unrealistic?) that doing this together will be easier than doing it alone. No, he is not there to rub my belly, or anything at all like that. He's a workaholic and "doesn't believe in being affectionate or cheerleading" (which is his ridiculous understanding of being supportive). He does go to the doctor with me, but believes he is supportive for doing just that, when I feel that on the supportive continuum he's at a .05 at best. I suppose I feel like I need to know that I tried, but don't want to jump into something that will be a huge mistake either, and it's just so damn hard to know what the right choice is on this side of the fence.

Ah, if we could only tell the future

There are cases were the co-parenting can work but I imagine it has to be hard. Being a parent, especially for a newborn is literally a 24/7 commitment for the first two years. A year into it he could meet another woman and be out the door. Especially if his interests aren't that strong now. My guess is you'll be doing all the work and tensions will develop over that.

I could be totally wrong though. The best thing is to have open, honest and rational discussions about the future.

Me personally, I'd much rather be living with a woman at home than a waffle house.