Several weeks ago, I posted a rant about this terrific man I'd been long-distance seeing, how much I loved him and how heartbroken I was that it wasn't working out.

WELL, that man turned out not to be so wonderful. To keep it short, I'll tell you just that after I failed to catch his hints about what he was doing in St. Paul, (preferring instead to believe it all the times he told me he loved me) he ended up being as cruel and heartless and purposely hateful as anyone I've ever seen. He had lied to me for months, lied about me to everyone he knew, and when it blew up in his face he blamed it entirely on me and then told me he never wanted to speak to me again.

ANYWAY... I got a note from him today, simply saying a chat program he's opened up for work inadvertently sent out invitations to people and he was sorry for the intrusion "and any upset it may have caused."

AND THE VICTORY IS... I did NOT send a reply. I thought about it all day long, had several very juicy replies composed in my head, but I withstood the temptation and didn't respond.

I am so proud of myself, because I'd like nothing better than to impress upon him how horribly he treated me -- for the unforgiveable crimes of having a child and living in the wrong area code -- and get an apology.

But it ain't happenin', I'm working hard to let go of my need for "fair," and I didn't send a reply!

So, hooray for me.

Congratulations! I'm finding dating tough in my situation- and I'm finding keeping my daughter's father away even tougher. Sometimes the moral victories are the most important ones. Good job!

I need some moral support!

The man I wrote about here did send me a note today. A short one, which says that he is in therapy, he's consumed by guilt over what he did to me, he worries constantly about me and my dad and that he's very sorry about everything "that's transpired."

Boy, I just don't know what to do here. I guess that's the apology I've been wanting, but I don't feel any better. Is it cruel to just let him stew and not respond? Should I send him the note he sent me a month ago that says "don't write, don't call, don't text me. I don't want to hear from you again."? Should I forgive him (which I will do eventually, just for my own peace of mind) and then tell him not to contact me?

Help!

welllll, if he is in therapy for real and trying good for him. if he is just stirring the pot - grrr. oh, i mean arrrr. kind of a double edged sword that he wrote - leaves you all open and vulnerable again. i hate that for you.

i find when i want to respond but do not want to take a stand i simply write back.

ok

it can be taken so many ways and leaves you with options. for example:
ok i accept your apology
ok like i believe that one
ok i'd write more but you told me not to
ok i have no more time to waste on you than two letters
ok now what
ok the door is open
ok the door is closed
ok enough already go away
etc etc etc

it forces his hand if he wants one but you have not left yourself blind.

ok????

Yeah, that's a good idea Laurie. It's weird. I don't want to open the door for more contact, nor do I want to be the bad guy who slams it shut for good.

He sent me another one this afternoon, a short one reminiscing about the fact that exactly two years ago now, we were at a convention together, the good memories we made there...

Please! I'm trying to shut those memories in a lockbox!

I'm gonna just sit on it for awhile.

I'm proud of you

Seems like he's a player, or really having very big issues. Either way....don't touch....

the thing about email is that you often feel obliged to answer immediately, as if the other person was on the phone waiting for the answer.

In the old days, you received a letter, and if the answer arrived only 2 weeks after, that was considered a fast answer.

Bin...I'm very disappointed in you here....

Where's the fork.....she needs it....

Why respond to him at all.....especially right now...
He's in his remorseful self pity stage right now of course he's sorry....and SORRY is a perfect word for him....
Sounds like he crossed a line.....why move the line.....

quote:

Why respond to him at all.....especially right now...

Yep, I would agree with that as well. And if you feel the need to forgive him - in your head or heart - keep it there, no need to say it to him.

You guys are the greatest. Thanks.

I missed the details of that original rant. However, while I like to give people second chances I think behaviors tend to be repeatable.

All of us have our bad sides that we must learn to live with in relationships but it sounds like his issues crossed the line.