Well, tonight folks, I feel as if I am the only person that notices the happenings in my life. I realize this is not true realistically but I have this empty feeling in my heart. I have been thinking about my ex a lot today for some reason and I can't get him out of my head. I find myself wondering what if he ever thinks about me or Kai, or if he even has anyfeeling in that black heart of his. OK, so I'm a little bitter also.

I also missed a friend of mine today more than usual. I usually talk to him everyday, but the past few days he hasn't called. Sometimes that happens when things start going on with his family, for whatever reason, but today is different. I actually missed him in a way I haven't missed anyone in a long time. But right now, that feeling is gone. I just feel alone.

I look at Kai and I think, what the heck have I done. I have a child who won't know her father and someday I will have to explain that to her and I have no idea what to say. I keep telling myself that I won't bad mouth him and I really don't want to but there's this little voice that says "tell her everything that was wrong with him". Realistically, I can't do that because that would just be wrong. Morally, to me, that's wrong. She is the most beautiful and amazing accomplishment of mine and I wouldn't trade her for anything. Tonight, she wanted me to rock her to sleep and as some of you may know, it is an amazing feeling to hold her and feel her holding me back. I almost burst into tears but didn't in fear of waking her up.

I just want to have that feeling again where I want another person in my life in the way I had Kai's dad. It's just not here and that is very disturbing to me. It's been more than a year since I've even seen Kai's dad and I thought I would be over him by now. I just can't take it sometimes and I want to curl up and hide from everyone. Kai is the only thing keeping me from doing that.

I don't expect any replies, but I needed to get that out tonight. I am just having a sad night.

I think we all have nights or days when we feel the same way. We all have a right too. We all want to give our children the best and at times look back and wonder if we should have done certain things differently and I don't just mean having stayed with X or leaving X. I personally do not ever second guess if I should have stayed with X or not but I do second guess if I should have gone after child support or not or if I should have and still should try harder to be friends with Coles dad.

I will admit sometimes a good cry helps me to feel a lot better, I wake up feeling good and remember all the great things in my life (my son). Have it out if you think it will help.

awww.. You poor girl. There's nothing worse then feeling alone. There are so many times when I desire adult company too.. We're lucky to have each other at times like that.

Cry if it makes you feel better. Tonight I'm looking forward to Saturday Night Live on tv. That makes me feel better, I love that show.

I know that feeling all too well. Been there too many times lately. It's like when life winds down for the night, it's when it hits you.... you are alone and lonely.... you go to bed by yourself..... you curl up in bed and just want to cry.

To get out of that mood I try to watch a comedy or read jokes on the internet.... laughter always makes me feel better. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

Bug, so sorry you're having a night like this. I still get my moments from time to time. We're with you.

Hugs to you tonight.

Chris

Hey bug I know how ya feel girl!!!! Maybe not at present time but sometimes look back and have a good cry. And just think to myself this, is not what I had planned for my life. But as everyone says everything happens for a reason!!!

Bug sorry you were having a bad night, things will get better. Keep your chin up.

Well that feeling has stayed until this morning and I can't seem to shake it. It took all I had yesterday not to cry in front of my Dad. If I would have, he would have hounded me to talk to him until I finally tell him. My dad and "evil" stepmom left yesterday for Florida and won't be back until Friday so I have the house all to myself and Kai. It's creepy cause we live in the middle of the woods and there are lots of scary noises. It's different when you're home alone and things make noise. Especially since we've had our house broken into, once while we were home.

I am hoping that talking to you guys today may help me get out of this mood. It's also raining here today. Damn weather! :badday:

Can you imagine me standing on my head, rubbing my belly, and and patting my forhead.
Sure I knew you could and I knew it would make you smile. I do stuff like that for Grace all the time, and she thinks it is hilarious.

Could you do it for me? I'd love to see that! ha ha ha ha ha I think it would be hilarious too but i'm so juvinile...i can't even spell juvonile.

LOL, that is pretty funny to picture. Can you do that and have someone take a picture?? I would like to see that for real.

I'll work on that when I get home but it will be PM'd to you 2 and not shared with everyone, I mean I do have a reputation to keep. Oh wait that is one found, it looked goood so I kept it, I lost my reputation years ago.

LOL, you crack me up Dali.

bug, i have always contemplated about what to tell my son about his father. when my son was little, i wrote a journal about everything that i was feeling to get that out of my system. matthew is 11 years old and has not asked many questions about his father. i have five brothers and a brother-in-law who spend lots of time with matthew, so maybe this is why he has not asked many questions. i have written down all the information i have on his father, so if he decides when he gets older to contact him, then he has somewhere to start. his father will have some explaining to do to his son as to why he never tried to contact him. it is his father's loss for not wanting to watch his son grow up. you do not have to say anything negative about her father because it is he who will have to explain himself in the end. it is him who will miss out on the most precious thing in life, watching your child grow up. all men are not like dali who fight to see their children. we just picked the losers who did not want anything to do with their kids. what were we thinking.... love is blind, so very very blind. we are smarter now and we will not be fooled again.
jjawsy

Love is SOOOO blind. It's sad! I would like to think that I have learned from my experience and that I will be a bit more careful about my decisions in the future. I know that it is his fault for not staying but I also made the decision to make him stick to that decision. I have not allowed any contact to come to me.