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I am New to SFV |
Thanks for taking time to read this. I am a 32 year old mother of two, My son 13 and my daughter is 11. I am recently divorced to a monster who abused me and my children for way too long. I have been dating, living with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years who doesn't have any ambition to do anything "family" like. He resents my son because my son wanted to live with my ex until recently. My boyfriend doesn't talk to him unless absolutely necessary and there is always so much tension all around me. My boyfriend gets along great with my daughter and favors her over my son always. I am going to call him "john" so i won't have to keep writing my boyfriend. John thinks that i favor and baby my son all the time but I am trying to be a mother and father since he doesn't have a father figure in his life. John is constantly going over to his friends house partying which involves smoking weed and drinking. I can't talk to him about anything because he won't remember anything I say due to the weed. He is either at work or partying or hunting. A major thing that has bothered me is that he owns his own house in another town where is him mother and brother are living. He pays the morgage there and I have to hound him to help pay some of the bills here where he eats, sleeps, showers, etc. I know i am being taking advantage of and I am not sure how to go about this anymore. It has been like this since I moved here 2 years ago. I need some advice on how to either end this once again (there have been dozens of other times but i always end up back with him) or get the respect i deserve. I need someone to say something different than just get rid of him, he's no good because I already know that. Please help.
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Learning to Surf The Board |
First let me say welcome to SFV, I hope you stick around, you will find lots of help and support here the people are great.
He resents your son for wanting to live with his Dad, And tells you, you baby him. First that's your child and if you want to baby him you can. I don't know where he gets off telling you that. And after all this you have to hound him to help out with the bills. What kind of a person tries to live off a single parent? Think about your kids they come before him,before you,before everyone. Did this joker sorry I mean john ever think maybe your son wanted to get away from him ? No one has to tell you what you need to do.I'm sure you already know. Think about your children first, whats best for them. Good luck and let us know how it goes. |
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"Brunette in training" At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
I think you are looking for someone to give you a answer to your problem that you have never heard before. My guess is you probably will not get the answer that you are looking for because:
1. You have not made up your mind to leave him. and 2. You already know the answer to your problem but...(see reason number one) I was there. I know. You HAVE to leave. You can't make him change. He does not want to change and even if he says he wants to change you most likely know it is lip service. You already made one mistake in choosing a sorry man to have kids with (I did too), don't make the same mistake and give them another good-for-nothin man to not be able to look up to. Sorry if this is harsh but I see no reason for you to allow a man that is high all the time to be around your kids. Do you not want a man that your son can look up to? Emulate? I did, and I think you do too. I think that staying with this guy is rather selfish of you. Your children (and you) need more. Do you have a decent job? One where you can support yourself and your kids? |
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"Board Beacon Parent" Setting New Standards  |
Hi survivor24,
Yes the answer is that you definitely have to leave him or put him out...However in saying this, you need to get some counceling for your repeated relationships and your attraction to abusive men. You deserve so much more for yourself, not to mention your kids, and the only one who can do this is you...so I say start with that. Get some therapy and use it as some guidance to learn how to love yourself. They say that you will always repeat the cycle until you figure out what the reasons are for doing that. They also say in order to love others you have to love yourself. I am not saying that you hate yourself but if you think about it...you wouldn't want your daughter to be in love with someone like "John" because you love your daughter and would want better for her right? So why wouldn't you want that for yourself? Counceling will help you to focus and figure things out in your life. I truly hope things get better for you...Keep us posted. |
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I am New to SFV |
I want to thank all of you who wrote back to me and gave me advice and I didn't find it harsh, just the truth that needed to be slapped in my face. I do want to add to my first post that I think the reason that I am afraid to tell him to go is that I am afraid to be alone. I don't have any family here and really no close friends to confide in or get support from. I am afraid if something happened to me, I wouldn't know where to turn for comfort. I am being selfish I admit for keeping him around because I know they deserve the best considering what they went through in the past. Any more suggestions would be great and thank you to everyone for being here for me,
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On the Board |
Hi Survivor. Just like your name, you CAN and WILL survive through this. Personally, I think being in a relationship like this is 100 times worse than being alone. Being in a relationship like the one you have with "John" takes you on a emotional roller coaster ride and you have to deal with a lot of negative emotions.....on a daily basis!: depression, confusion, anger, worry, sadness, etc. which only makes situation worse for you AND your children. On the other hand, being alone, at first, will be hard and it is a scary thought, especially if you are not used to it. However, if you are a positive thinker, you eventually learn to appreciate being alone and realize the time you have with your children, with NO distractions. Take advantage of being able to spend these precious moments with them cuz it's only a matter of time until they graduate and go off on their own (to college, etc). The addition of a "man" to your family of 3 is supposed to be a fruitful addition. Most importantly, you need to set a good example for your daughter so that she doesn't repeat your mistakes.
Jessesdad, you said it so well...... What kind of a person tries to live off of a single parent? You are afraid of the wrong thing - being alone is not the enemy; the enemy is the emotional abuse you and your children are going through. Good luck and keep us posted!! |
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"Professional Rubber At Your Service.... "At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
I see you've already got feed back on this, but I wanted to add that when he says you are babying your son, I think it's because he is jealous. My ex stepdad always told my mom she babied me and should be tougher on me. That was because my mother and I had a great relationship. He used my mom's insecurities as a single parent to come between us. He wanted to be number one in her life and figured out he had to run me off. Which he did. He then emptied out her bank account, stole many things, and made our lives horrible nightmares. Get rid of him before something bad happens.
Also welcome to the site! Hope things go well with you and yours! Amy |
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"hugs welcome" Active Board Parent  |
Good luck I hope that it all works out for you
BTW definitely get rid of him!!! Just my opinion! Shannon  |
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I am New to SFV |
I had a similar problem but thing with me was after 18 months he still didn't know how he felt about me so in the end i had to ask for my own piece of mind. it's hard but try to decide what you need for you and your childrens and stick to it. I know it will be hard but worth it in the end.
hope it work out for you. take care if yourself. carol |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
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Learning to Surf The Board |
Sorry about the one above, new to this! Ha! Ha!
I know that you know what you've gotten yourself into. Maybe you should tell him kindly, please leave. If you can't help support me and my children, I can learn to do bad all by myself. I don't need you for that. This is easy for me to say because I went through many years of drug abuse from my son's father and he never worked. When I got rid of him I made myself the promise that I would never lower myself to please a man again and I have been successful in that. Of course I was alone for a couple of years, but it was so worth it. I now have a boyfriend that doesn't allow me to pay any bills. I was in a car accident and broke my back six weeks ago and he moved me into his home and has been taking care of me since. There's someone out there with your name written all over him. If you are with this loser you may never meet him.
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"Active Board Parent" Active Board Parent |
May I bring a rather blunt perspective in on this?
You�ve got a pot smoking, drinking, jerk-to-your-son irresponsible loser living under your roof affecting your kids on a daily basis and you�re wondering if/how you should give him the royal boot? Forgive my lack of sympathy on your part but you are putting your children at serious risk and you need to get rid of this guy yesterday, bags packed and out on the lawn... You say you need someone to say something different than just get rid of him, he's no good because you already know that - what do you want to hear? - continue to compromise your children and maybe things will pan out? Sorry, it�s your kids and their well being that needs to be considered here. They didn't ask to be in this situation. It's our responsibility as parents to give them a secure and safe environment. |
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"Parent on Board" Active Board Parent  |
Dear Survivor (what a wonderful name!):
As already mentioned here (and remember, many of us, including myself are in/have been in your shoes, so you are NOT alone!), dump him, you will SURVIVE, and keep posting to vent and to let us know how you are doing. It took my losing my children to foster care for the worst 2 months and 3 days of my life, for me to finally realize that the situation that both my ex and I caused, affected 2 innocent children: our children. Because of his ongoing drug use, it could happen to you, so please, do not be afraid to be alone because you are not, you will find you have a support system, right here. Email me off list if needed also. Note, many of us (myself included) are still struggling with life in general, being single parents, so please know we are here to help! |
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I am New to SFV |
hi everyone, survivior24 here thanking everyone for all their replies and concern. I am pretty sure things are starting to change around here since I snapped and told him that I couldn't handle all the tension in the house and with him and my son. Merry Christmas and everyone take care.
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"Parent on Board" Active Board Parent |
Change in what way? Is he leaving?
Please do NOT give him another chance, unless he moves out, and starts ongoing drug/anger counseling -- even then, you need to be apart from him, and take care of yourself and your 2 children. You deserve the BEST so that you can enjoy this holiday season, and EVERY DAY...post us and let us know, remember, we are only offering you insight as to what is very clear (what needs to be done), but many times (and I have been guilty of this), it takes someone outside of the situation, and who has been there, to make us realize that we know what the right choice is, and that we need to carry it out. |
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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Dating & Relationships Going nowhere relationship
