The things you must ask youself if you are planning a LDR(long distance romance).

#1) How high is both of your commitment levels? This is a major part of a LDR, because if your are just going to throw your hands in the air, and find someone in your own back yard, you may as well never even start a LDR.

#2) Eventually someone is going to have to relocate to contue the relationship. You really should think hard on this one, it is easy to say you are moving, but in practice it may not be. You shouldn't say you are going to move unless you are damned sure you can. Be realistic, if you have kids how hard is it going to be to up root them. If they are grown are you going to want to move aways from them(like they would let you, kids follow).

#3)You must see each other as much as possible. Someone has to get in the car and drive, or fly, how ever you want to do it. If you are not mobile enought to see each other at least once a month +/-, it will be very hard on you and your relationship if you don't.

#4)Keep the lines of communications open. You have to talk on the phone, text, email, mail, IM. You will surly know when a LDR is failing when the communications start to slow down.

#5) Nerver give up total outside contact for the sake of a LDR. If you become fixated on waiting for this person to talk to you, and don't keep your friends and outside contacts you are setting your self up for major emptyness in your life should the LDR fail.

#6)Be prepared for some lonliness. Being apart for the one you are seeing is going to cause some amount of lonliness simply for the fact you just can't reach out and touch them.

#7)Above all be honist with yourself and the one you are seeing. If you can't do a LDR, don't. The pain will be less if you just don't do it if you can't, why suffer needlessly. Don't say things flipantly, like "I would love and be with you even if you didn't have legs", if your LDR fails the person may wonder why a person would say such a thing and then break up with you.

#8)The only true benefit I see in a LDR is that you usually get to know the person by talking long before you meet. Lets face it, some people are just not compatible, that will come out as you talk with them and you get comfortable with each other.

#9)Photo's, you should have a camera, somepeople want to see who they are talking to, and will want photo's of the things going on in your life. Web cams also help because you can see the person you are talking to at the time.

#10)Don't expect this to be easy LDR's fail a lot more then regular relationships do.



I put this together with some thoughts of the failure of my own LDR, would I do it again, perhaps. I know what to look out for now. My number one point is the major one.

Okay this sorda has something to do with this post, but not really. And that doesn't make any sense.
If you are in a relationship with someone and have been for almost 2 yrs and one might have to move out of state, do you do what ever neccesary to stay together? LDR- out of the question. So the question is asked "if it was marry me or lose me for ever, what would you do?" And marraige was not the answer. Would the person who was fighting to stay be a fool? Is it stupid to fight to stay for someone who would let you walk away? Marriage has already been talked about, but not right away. But if it came down to it and you know its what both want does it really matter if it is sooner or later?
Everyones opinion is most definitely welcome here!!!

I would never throw out "marry me or loose me for ever", not if I loved her.

As to being a fool for fighting to stay, it would worrie me if the person wasent fighting to stay, as it is right now in me, it creats all kind of indecission in the one who is fighting to stay in. I don't consider myself a fool, only someone in love, in the end I may loose, but I had to try, frustrating as it is.

Time is a big factor in a LDR, will you wait, or will you just cave and run. I for one would have waited for as long as it takes, but it is major helpful that you know that the person that is willing to let you walk actually is going to stick with you. If they give you answer that are vauge, I wouldn't give it much of a chance, or hope.

Well I am kinda stuck. I don't want to have to leave. I do love him very much. But I can't stay and do it all by myself. Full time mom, going to school, working full time -Plus some just to make ends meet. My daughter is only 4 and that would be way too much for her. And the way I see it I almost feel stupid. I've been burnt b4. And to stay for someone that would just let me walk away. I look at it in the reverse situation. If it was him that had to make a choice, -stay or go, I know I love him enough to do whatever I have to do. I couldn't live with myself to love somone heart and soul and let them go. That's too much of a tragic ending for me It makes my heart ache to even think it.

sigh, as you can tell I am in the middle for what you discribe, she is having major troubles and won't let me help. She let me go, sadly I kind of refused to leave, I do love her so. I probly am a fool now that I think of it for staying, and trying to get her back, which is pretty much not going to happen, even if she does say "you don't know that Paul" when I say we aren't going to be together anyway. Oh well, the reason I put this post together is the first place is the pain one of these relationships can causes. It can work, but does so seldom.

I moved away from somebody, he was really a friend, friend with benefits, but a really close friend. He let me go no issue, knew I had to for me and the girls, we both knew it wasn't time for marraige or anything close to that. I'm 2 states away, about an hour and 45 minutes. We have a stronger relationship now than ever and seems much more serious than the old fwb it was --- and yes, now I've met somebody else so won't even try and go any further with my typingLOL

Anyway, it is possible if you have a base to keep it going and to build it further.

I would not have stayed for him or probably anyone else for that matter, I had to do what I had to do.

Well I suppose the sad part is she wants me to go back to being her friend, sadly I can't go backwards in a relationship. All she has to do is tell me she is going to look local for a man and I will be gone. I have told her in no certain terms I am not her buddy, I will be her mate and thats pretty much it, or as mates are friends nothing more. I have no plans to look anyway so this is not hurting anything. I didn't start this relationship, so its like if you start something have a stamina to finish it huh.

Here's a thought. Make a list of the things you want from your mate. Listing the most important first down to the least important. Then make a list of all the things you are willing to put into a relationship. They should be similar.
Personally I want someone who is willing to put as much into a relationship as I am. Someone willing to just take that chance, and someone who is willing to work through the rough times. I understand pain gets in the way a lot of times but if she is not willing to work through it and get through a rough time is it really worth it?
So once the pain starts to subside and the brain starts to engage more than the heart, learn from the experance and try again.
I also understand easier said than done. I feel for your pain and am sorry you are going through it.
God bless.

I fear there is no list, I am chasing a dream I can't have, walking through life being a fool in this matter seems to be my plight. When someone constinantly tells you they "love you" and are inconsiderate, won't talk with you about anything but themselves, I suppose I now have the hint. I cannot figure why I am hanging on, it is obvious to me now that I will never be anything but type on a screen to her anymore. From now on when someone tells me they love me I will look for it in their action, not what comes out of their mouths.

Good for you Paul. See you are growing already. You will get through and the next relationship will be so much better for you.

sigh, you can never out grow the pain sadly.

Oh Paul if only more men were as sweet as you.
Sure you can out grow the pain. Not all pain but you can out grow it as you learn and move on. I do know this.
I know I don't have a whole lot of experiance here but my first "love" never thought I would get over him. I did as I matured.
My second love took a little longer, my husband, but I do progress. I won't get into great deal in open forum but I will say it is time to move on. As I grow and bring my experiances from my previous relatioinship I am developing a greater one. I try not to bring my baggage only what has helped me grow into hopefully a better partner.
It's all your perspective. It will only be what you allow it to be. Changing your perspective can change the feelings you have about it.

You can count on good guys finish last, it is the way of things. Oh I am ok, I just feel, stupid for not seeing it.

Don't feel stupid. My boyfriend and I currently broke up. He has told me the last year and a half that he loves me and wants to marry me> He just wants me to get through school. He did not want me to move so I was gona wear myself out to stay here. The 40+hrs to make ends meet, going to school full time, and raising my daughter. That is alot to ask someone to take on. I simply asked him if I did this, could I depend on him to watch my daughter 13 hrs a week while I was in school. He had enough nerve to tell me he wasn't ready for that kind of commitment. I was asking too much of him. Can you believe that?!? What an *ss. I deserve better.

lol, what did he think was going to happen if you really got in a relationship, like living together. it would be a heck of a lot more then 13 hours.