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What is it that we truly seek out of life?? Some say it's happiness, others say love. Money, woman, and fast cars also come to mind. For me, I just want that one thing that I never seem to find no matter how hard I try….the one for me….I have been in several relationships and they have all crumbled for one reason or another. I am not going to claim that I wasn't in love with the people that I was with, but I will say, they obviously weren't the one for me. Regardless of fault, the relationships all ended and we've all been forced to move on. I still think back from time to time and wonder….what if….but the reality is, it doesn't matter. The relationship was destined to fail regardless. While I don't know if I will ever find what I am looking for, I can attest that the more I get hurt along the way, the less I tend to believe. My hope has begun to wane, and I am tired of putting myself out there only to fall. I am tired of realizing I am laying face down in the dirt and in need of picking myself up and dusting off.



I wish that just once…just once…I could finally feel what true happiness is. I want to know how it feels when you know that you are in the right place with the right person, and there is no fear of ever hurting again….BUT….my issue lies in trust. I have been lied to, broken, and beaten down so many times, that I am scared to do it again. I am scared to let my guard down. I am scared to let people see the real me, so I hide. I hide behind a child like persona that everyone wants to befriend, but apparently no one wants to get involved with. The true me runs deep. I am a very mellow and sincere person. I am a homebody that would give anything to spend the night just holding onto you and never letting go. I am a very relaxed and easy going person that cares deeply, and loves with all my heart….The problem is….No one gets to see that side of me.



When I look back, I can honestly pinpoint several things that happened along the way causing me to feel the way that I do, but that is neither here nor there. I don't blame anyone or anything for the way that I feel as it is a self image problem. I just don't feel worthy to be loved the way that I truly want. I know that I am a great guy, and I know that I have a lot to offer in a relationship, but I also feel that with all the failures that I have had to this point, I am damaged goods….



I tend to be overbearing and over accommodating in relationships. I have found that I always try to solve the issues in the relationship on my own regardless what the issues might be. I give everything that I have to the relationship, whether it be emotionally, physically, or monetarily. I find that I fall too fast. I see something that I want and I jump, and sometimes, it hinders my progress instead of helping. I don't know how to end this cycle of pain, but I wish I did, as I am tired of hurting.



I know that part of my problem is that I, as someone near and dear to me put it, fish in the skank sea. While I understand that I may not get the crème de la crème, I also feel that I am not worthy of someone that is successful. For some reason, I feel like I am limited to searching through everyone else's rejects instead of finding someone that is worthwhile. When I find out that someone is educated, successful, motivated, etc etc, I tend to shy away as I truly feel that I have nothing to offer them that they couldn't achieve on their own, or didn't already have. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to change the way I feel.



I want nothing more than to be happy and live the life that I know I deserve. I don't want to settle for anything less, yet I truly don't have any clue how to get what I want. Out of everyone that I know, there are honestly maybe 1 or 2 people that fit the criteria of what I want from a mate, and sadly they are either married, or not interested in me that way. I some how tend to fall into the category of friend, and we all know once you are in that role, there is no coming back from it. I have been told repeatedly by several people that there is no one good enough for me and that I am too nice for my own good, so what in gods name do I do? I have a desire to love and a yearning to be loved. I just wonder if it will ever come to pass…

http://www.myspace.com/nottawd

"to be nobody-but-myself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make me everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight, and never stop fighting..." --e.e. cummings

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Originally posted by Trey's Daddy:
I some how tend to fall into the category of friend, and we all know once you are in that role, there is no coming back from it.