I'm 25 and found myself pregnant in February. (I was a month along when I found out). The father decided not to be in the picture (he and I were never really together anyway), and now I'm not sure what to do.

I'm trying to take this time for me and trying to take care of myself, but it gets so lonely. I'm just over 4 months pregnant now, and I highly doubt I'll get hired for a job let alone find a wonderful person to share my life with.

Maybe I'm feeling sorry for myself, but I can't help it. Is it so wrong to want to be loved in that special way? How on earth can I even date at this stage in my life? Should I even date at all? I feel so lost.

Help!

Sure you can date. I would make sure it is very casual. The hormones are way out of control, and I wouldn't trust deep emotions right now. Also, in my opinion, *** should be out. You don't want to get sick or pass on any STD's to the baby.

The S word is out of the question anyway. I'm at a point right now where I'm not even interested in it.

I guess my biggest fear is that, if I do date anyone, they'll just be another loser like most of the men to have passed through my life.

Even if I do wait until after the baby is born, I'm still so scared that guys will get turned off by the fact that I'm a mother.

How can you bring up the pregnancy/mother status to a guy you're interested in?

I have never had a problem dating as a mom. As a younger mom, I made some mistakes. I learned to not mix my dating life with my life with my children. It is hard, but unless this person made it past my 90 day marker, they didn't meet the kids. I wouldn't worry about bringing it up. Just make sure the person you are seeing is NOT another loser. Hence the 90 day trial. Peoples true colors will usually show during this time. Also, if they have habits you do not like, don't waste your time.

Thanks for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

Well said GottaBaby. I loved being pregnant becasue I could live for me. I could eat when I wanted to. I did not have to wirry about getting fat LOL. I did not have to worry about what a man thought about how I was eating or spending my friday. I loved going to the library and reading for hours. My advice on a side note, do all the things in quiet places that you will be unable to do for awhile after the baby is born. Go to movies, plays, musicals, libraries, enjoy church peacefully if you go, go to the ocean and just watch for hours, sleep.

Thanks everyone. You all gave me something to think about.

Hello again.

I'm eight months this week, and due on September 28th.

I've been doing my best to take care of me and my little one (whom, I found out, is a girl!),and I've been the happiest girl since my ultrasound in May, but, lately I've been feeling so alone.
I seem to want all the great things (relationships wise)to happen and happen now, but I know it's not realistic.

I've been chatting via e-mail with this really cool guy (he messaged me first), and I find that I'd like to meet him. He seems quite genuine and he's starting hanging out a place, it turns out, that I used to hang out at a couple years ago. I'm afraid to set foot in there at all now. I'm scared to meet him. I'm as big as a house, and I feel so self conscious. He knew I was pregnant from the get-go, and he's been awesome to talk to, so I know all of that is fine. I have no pics to send him, but it doesn't seem to matter to him, which is so cool. He seems to like me for me, which is what I've been waiting to find in a guy.

The thing that sucks is that he's started seeing someone, and I find myself a little jealous and resentful. I feel so selfish.

Finding out about this has kind of dumped me into inky blue moods while I'm alone. It's not so much him or the fact that I like him, but the fact that it wasn't me. I'd be amazed if I could find a date at this point, and I know I shouldn't really be thinking about all of this. However, I'm heading toward much isolation once my little girl is born.

I don't have close friends to have over or to call. All I really have is my mother, but she needs to have her own life, too (she does so much for me already). It'd be so nice to have someone special to share this exciting time with. I know I shouldn't worry about this, but I'm find I'm getting scared. How do I face this alone? I don't know how so many women do it. I feel so weak and so imaptient. *sighs*

Any advice?

I think you should put men on the back burner until you're able to find peace within yourself. You have to learn how to have fun with yourself doing your own things .. and happily. Maybe you're meeting all of these losers because you reak of dependency. You're afraid of being alone but in the end, you're going to end up BEING alone if you don't sort this all out now. Give it up for a while. Live and love yourself first.

Oh ya, did it ever occur to you what could happen with your unborn child if you were to go out on these dates with strangers and they decide to pull a fast one on you? You'll be in no position in defending yourself without running the risk of harming your unborn child.

I want to make a few things clear, since it feels I'm being misunderstood in some ways.

I haven't been out with anyone since the night this child was conceived. I've only gone out at night by myself once since the end of May because of my unborn child. I do go out and do things alone and happily, however, with this summer being so hot here, I've spent more time at home with the A/C and read everything there was on pregnancy and parenting.

As far as other things, I've been fine up until now. Actually, this spring/summer has been the happiest time for me in a long time. I've been fine with me and actually glad to be alone in many ways. It's been only been lately that I've been feeling like I wish I had someone to share all of this with and that I'm so alone.

The dependancy thing... I'm a human being who needs companionship. Unfortunately, I end up being too trusting of the wrong people, which is mostly why I get hurt. The fact that I'm 26 and didn't have a relationship, let alone a date, until the age of 22 doesn't help. My experience hasn't been much.

I'm not just looking for a good guy, which I may have implied. I'm also looking for good friends. As I've said, I don't really have anyone other than my mother that I can count on. I just feel like, due to my pregnancy, I don't stand a chance either way, which feels so awful. Everyone deserves a fair chance in friendship and love. That includes people like me.


I don't just go out with random strangers and I don't just sleep with whoever. I've been taking care of myself and my baby in that respect. (The father of this child was not a stranger, either, though he has made himself one on his own accord.) Even after the baby is born, I'm still vulnerable to someone 'pulling a fast one' on me. I'm still vulnerable to harm. Everyone is. It can happen to anyone at anytime. We still need to live our lives, though. Right?

As for finding peace within myself, I've actually been doing well with that. We all have our down times and our moments of uncertainty. This is mine. I tend to write more when I feel this way, so some might get the impression that I'm always like this, but I'm not.

It's hard to write off relationships right now. I can't help wanting the companionship of a loving, honest, compassionate man. Someone to love me for me, and, especially my daughter. Someone who can be there for us both. I don't feel it's wrong to want that.

I guess what I'm really looking for with this posting are others who are experiencing this or who have been through it. People who can relate their experiences, and, possibly, offer advice.

Thank you, miss jes, for taking the time and effort to reply. I hope I didn't come off as defensive and/or worse in this reply. I just wanted to give more information so maybe I'm understood better. Again, thanks for your thoughts and opinions. They are appreciated.

I don't think you were sounding defensive and this is after all your post. You're more than welcome to explain whatever you'd like about yourself.

I do agree with some of what you've said. You definately do need to widen that circle of friends of yours rather than just hanging out with mom. Pregnancy is hard on people with support, let alone on someone without. I at least give you credit for that. It takes strength to be going through this alone.

As far as men are concerned (in my opinion) I think it's tacky to be dating while pregnant with another man's child. I also think it's disrespectful and unsafe to your unborn daughter. I would at least wait until she was born. We're all human and yes we're entitled for love and affection but where's the priority? I guess what I'm saying is, you made the choice of keeping this child as a single-parent-to-be, and as a parent your obligation is to keep her from harms way. If I had to isolate my love life momentarily to achieve that, then I would choose to do just that. There are plenty of ways of finding a companion to help you through this time of your life without resorting to the dating world. Really, what's nine more months from the rest of your life? As you've said so yourself, your patterns of men haven't been all that exciting. Maybe you should take advantage of this time and find out why it is you're meeting these types of men. By the time your daughter is born and your REALLY ready to face the dating world, you'll be more open-eyed to those little red-flags you're so blind-eyed to be seeing right now.

In regards to safety, you're right. We're all suseptable of becoming victims and as adults I think we at least try our best to avoid becoming one of these victims. Unfortunately, an unborn child isn't given that chance. Meeting men online is a risk in itself, let alone risking that while pregnant.

I'm sorry if I came off more like a lecture (from grandma) rather than supporting you of your need. Please know, this is just my way of trying to help and by no means am I trying to come across judgemental.

Best of luck to you and know that once your child is in walking stage, you'll have plenty of room to be dating someone worth your while.

Frist off I have to disagree with Ms. Jess on the statement about it being tacky to date while pregante w/another man's baby. Here is my question to you Ms. Jess. Is it not tacky for the man to date and have relations w/another woman while there is a woman out there pregnate w/his child? I feel as long as the pregante womean is not sleeping around and stays way from the activties that could harm the unborn baby I see nothing wrong w/it at all. It's 2005 not 1940 where the woman sits at home and pines away for the man that left. Just had to get that out. Possible double standard!!??? It's ok for the man but not the woman?

As for you loftgirl I know how you feel. You are not dependent and need a man in your life you would like to have one. You don't need one but would want a man to share the pregnancy with. I am going thru my second pregnancy w/not dad and it's tuff. I never asked for it and assume that you did not either.

I am ok w/myself and like to spend time w/myself and my son but would like to have a partner to share the baby w/or my son with. Neither of us reek of dependecy we're just single pregnat women that would like to have what the unsingle pregnate women have.

Good luck to you on the birth of your baby girl. Hey Sep. is a good month I was born in that month L

SPIRIT

Loftgirl -

Hugs and prayers for you! I can see that you are reaching out here for friendship and understanding from peers.

Companionship is something we all crave (sometimes more than other times.) You're at a point in your life and your pregnancy that many people take things for granted. You will soon be in your 'nesting' period that people talk about often. Rushing around getting everything organized. Something that people don't mention as much is the millions of thoughts that a pregnant women has before giving birth to their little angel! I think the way you are feeling is completely normal. Having the father or a companion with you in this time would fill the void of not having the 'complete family' that many people take for granted.

You seem like a very sweet women and are going to be a wonderful mother. Keep your chin up - you don't have much time until your little blessing is with you.

If you need friendship and someone to talk to - you always have this sight for opinions, advice and suggestions! Make sure you let us know when your sweet little girl is born!

Loftgirl, I agree with Melissa Jo ... you seem very sweet - and I can only imagine what you must be going thru. I was never in your situation, but I understand well the feeling of lonliness that comes with not having someone special in your life.

I do not think there is anything wrong with you having a male friend during your pregnancy, if you are fortunant enough to find someone. The father is not a part of your life, or the baby's - so there is no reason for you to put your life on hold.

But, that being said - I would caution you to be careful. As mentioned in posts above, your emotions are all over the place right now ... so try not to let anyone too close too fast. Focus on yourself and the baby first... and keep dating as an after thought. If it's really meant to be .. it will happen regardless of the situation.

God Bless.

quote:

Originally posted by SPIRIT27:
[qb] Frist off I have to disagree with Ms. Jess on the statement about it being tacky to date while pregante w/another man's baby. Here is my question to you Ms. Jess. Is it not tacky for the man to date and have relations w/another woman while there is a woman out there pregnate w/his child? I feel as long as the pregante womean is not sleeping around and stays way from the activties that could harm the unborn baby I see nothing wrong w/it at all. It's 2005 not 1940 where the woman sits at home and pines away for the man that left. Just had to get that out. Possible double standard!!??? It's ok for the man but not the woman?
[/qb]

SPIRIT, I think you're putting uneccessary words in my mouth. I never said it was ok for the man to date while pregnating another woman. Double standard? I'm not sure where you got that from anything I've said above. Also, it IS 2005 (higher crime rate) and I didn't suggest for her to sit at home crying the blues but rather find herself a companion outside of the dating world for now. If she wants a male companion, great. But if I were her I'd stay away from dating at this point. Personally, I think it IS tacky and unwise for the baby.