...but the e-mail addy didn't work. I'm not going to sit on the phone trying to get through to dr. drew, so I'm posting it here. Whatcha think?

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

Hey,

I'm a 29yo dad with custody of a 10yo boy. I've been trying really hard to make his life normal and good.

Lots of single parent literature says that kids get messed up if they see their parents bringing dates home. Is there really anything scientific to back that up?

Really. I'm almost 30, I can only get out 3 or 4 times a month, and when I think of what behavior I'd really want him to imititate when he's my age, it'd be getting laid often. Would bringing dates home or having women over really hurt him?

Thanks,
Bobby

I like it. I like that you were right to the point, not too wordy... and had to laugh when I read:

"it'd be getting laid often"

Hey BigBobby I have a 10 yr old and he would not want me to bring men home just because he does not wanna see us lovin and huggin on each other. He gets attached anyway to ppl and if the guy is not gonna stick around why introduce them??? But my 12 yr old could care less. Or so he says. I think theres a difference if ur just friends with no "between the sheets" activities. lol I mean can't ya find time to bring dates home when he is not in the home?? But if u want to bring ur dates home it's up to you noone is here to judge you---like you would even care what we thot lol. Good luck anyway esp w/gettin you know what lol.

Hey Bobby it's been a while.
I persoannly don't see a problem with bringing a female home once in a while. I would not have any sleep overs but would introduce them as a friend for now. Kids are smart and I know yours is too. He will figure it out all on his own. I am sure you don't want to give him the idea that it is okay to sleep with multiple women at one time, do you?

I think the rule of not bringing dates home is not to bring different people into the home on a regular basis. I can see where that would be confusing to a child.

Hey sounds like you have a friend. Best to you and God bless.

Hey (and yes toomany, it has been awhile!),

I haven't found so much a friend as started to ask women out. I found that if I say "you're hot" or "you're cute", depending upon which they are, and then ask "do you have a boyfriend?", the ones that don't will usually go out with me.

My son is only out of the house 4 nights a month. Really, I can't date all of those nights; I also have other stuff that can only be done when my son's away. I'm taking my son to spend the night with a babysitter tonight, but I can't do that too often. At home, after he's in bed, would be better...I just dunno...if he wakes up early or something it could be a problem...

But looking at it a different way...what is it that I'm so afraid of? That he'll find out his single 29yo dad likes girls? Jeez...I certainly don't want him to think that the way I've been living is normal...

Anyway...thanks for the words...I'd love to hear more.

Bobby

I am not sure what you are afraid of with your son. Could it be that you are just afraid of his reaction to you spending time with someone else? Kids do sometimes get jealous that time is being spent away from them or need to now share time.

Hear are some of the things I might feel in your situation. I would not consider it quite proper to be sleeping with someone whom I am not in serious relationship with. If I brought someone home and had an over night with them I would want to be confident that this is a situation that is going to be around for a while. I would not want my kids to get the impression that it is proper to be "sleeping around".
I just think I would have to keep it away from my home and kids for quite a while. I know that is hard but that is how I feel.
Now I would be comfortable with them meeting and spending time with the kids once a relationship was established, just no over nights with kids home.
Bobby, I am in no way saying you are sleeping around. I think you know me well enough to understand what I am trying to say. At least I hope.
Personally I am uncomfortable with it. You may not be, I don't know. Just think about what you are teaching your son in the process. They learn the most by example.
You also know your son the best and your relationship with him.

Gee bringing a girl home to son sounds more nerve racking than bringing them home to Mom.

Hey take care Bobby, and spend some time around here will you?

quote:

Originally posted by tomany2count:
[qb] I would not consider it quite proper to be sleeping with someone whom I am not in serious relationship with. If I brought someone home and had an over night with them I would want to be confident that this is a situation that is going to be around for a while. I would not want my kids to get the impression that it is proper to be "sleeping around".
I just think I would have to keep it away from my home and kids for quite a while. I know that is hard but that is how I feel.
Now I would be comfortable with them meeting and spending time with the kids once a relationship was established, just no over nights with kids home.
Personally I am uncomfortable with it. You may not be, I don't know.

Just think about what you are teaching your son in the process. They learn most by example
[/qb]

I am in complete agreement with Toomany.

I would rather my daughter see me as a prude than a promiscuous woman.

If your instincts are there giving you questions in your head about it than you probably know the answer. It could also be that you want someone here to say it is okay and that we understand where you are coming from (and we do to a point) but it is very unhealthy to sleep around....and very risky. We can't very well teach our kids to have better relationship views if we don't show them that it can be done in a healthy way.

Sorry....but it is good to see you back in here

Karen

lol...given the choice between prude and promiscuous, I think I'd choose promiscuous...even though it's best to be somewhere between the two.

I think it's different for boys though. Really...I'd much rather have the problem of a teenage Bobby having too many girlfriends than no girlfriends...it seems like I should change what I'm teaching him then...so selfless

Time away from Bobby is really the last thing stopping me from dating. I would never have a woman hang out with us...not until she'd been around for years at least. For him to briefly meet somebody that I took out a few times, however...I dunno if that's really that bad for him...and it seems inevitable if I'm really going to do any type of dating.

This so sounds like doing something selfish and justifying, however...uggh, but if I miss 10years of opportunities uneccessarily? It'll be hard to live with later...

I am going to stay away form the "relations" issue.

As far as having women around him....I think it depends on how you and they interact when they are around. If it looks like a romantic relationship and the person that is hanging around keeps changing....problem. If it looks like a friend of the family (meaning daddy and his) then having a woman around should not send the wrong message or raise false hope.

MHO.

It seems that you already don't feel like you want a woman that you date around your son. So are you asking is it ok to have "relations" in the house while he is in the house, sleeping presumably?

lol...well I do see "relations" as a much smaller thing than involving someone in my son's life. I wouldn't be surprised if I never involve someone in my son's life, but I'm certainly not done having "relations."

I'm really asking if there is a scientific or medical study that studied how a single parent's dating affects their kids. It would be horrible if I spent the next 10 years alone because I believed an old wives tale. It would be more horrible if I could have helped little Bobby become a happier adult...

I am interested in opinions though. Where do you think the line is crossed, with a date in your house whom your kid doesn't know well? Being there at all? Getting drunk? Kissing? "Relations"?

Lol...I gotta say typing "relations" kills me every time I type it...

Anyway...

Later,
Bobby

OK "gettin some"


Seriously, I don't see why you can't have a babysitter and a date and come home after he's tucked into bed and "get some"

I do think it is healthy. As long as he isn't struggling with your divorce, well, you know he's accostomed to it and realizes it is over. And even if not, going on a date is a natural part of a single adult's life.

The only thing I would do is talk to him a bit before you go out on a date. Just let him know, explain again about why you aren't married, that you love him, but that you need to be with adults too and such.

I understand where you all are coming from, but to be honest I would have a problem with just having "relations" or "getting some" (cracks me up too ) with out a relationship there. Now I know that it happens all the time but it is not something I would be comfortable with and would not want my children to be around in any form. I hope to teach my kids that this is saved for someone special and for one person, not many.
I know I am somewhat from the old school but I still feel this way and hope my children will also.
Kids are smart cookies and an adult can not hide things from them as well as we think we can. Amazing as it is kids always find out in one way or another.

I think by having different partners it teaches them not to respect others or yourself. I think it teaches them that it is okay to be promiscuos and will create more single parents. I think it takes away from family values. I think it teaches that $ex is okay to have with any one that you get the feeling for and lowers morals and values. This is how I think it effects them long term.
I personally want my kids to think it is something special and unique to one person.

Bobby, I will repeate the question. What is it that you want to teach your son in the long run? How do you want to teach that to him?

quote:

I think it's different for boys though. Really...I'd much rather have the problem of a teenage Bobby having too many girlfriends than no girlfriends...it seems like I should change what I'm teaching him then...so selfless

LOL - Here we go again with the double standard!

I do not believe there is anything wrong with you getting some. I also do not believe there is anything wrong with a woman getting some.

I do think you should keep it out of your home, and away from your child. If you really want to teach him that it is OK to sleep around, then by all means - it's your choice. I certainly do not want to teach that to either one of my sons.

I have a 15.5 year old, and he has a girl friend. I frequently remind him IF he does anything - to be safe... use protection! Protection can fail, and I worry about him ... but if he is going to do it - there is really nothing I can do to stop him.

I'm not sure if you are joking around, I kind of hope so ... but if not, I think you might be on the wrong track. Just my 2 cents.

First, be honest with yourself. As a male I can tell you that even though the *** is no longer there I do think about it a lot since I am used to getting it everyday. (Sorry if I am too honest but I feel honesty is the best way to go).

I wondered myself if bringing females home is ok. I know that God implanted in every male the desire to seek out *** so that the human race would never die out due to reproduction problems. I will never let it show but those sexual desire are strong once you are no longer a virgin. I honestly wish I knew if it was the same for women but if what I hear is true and please do correct me if I am wrong when a woman wants it most it is when she is most fertile, like I said before God's way of making sure humans reproduce before we develope intelligence.

With that said I do feel we are role models for our children. I want my daughters to not sleep around with just anyone they meet so I won't do it no matter how much my sexual drive wantsa me too. My children come first, even above myself. I won't let my wife back either just for *** because I know she would just endanger my children and she doesn't love me (Cheated on me andlied about it. Found out she lied and she admited to a one time deal. Her diary I read this past Monday long after I kicked her out said she committed adulty many times. Goes to show she didnt deserve an honest and faithful man like myself).

Back to the point I did have a belief when I was young that you can friend with benefits. I had a friend that I always slept with because we both had a mutual agreement. Today I am not sure if that is a good idea with having 2 children live with me but then again it did a lot of good for me when I was younger. *** was never an issue in dating. It never clouded my mind nor did I think about it. Also since I was friends with my partner we would be honest to each other on a lot of issues, thus helping each other improve in our sexual ways. I knew she was clean and she knew I was clean, so we never got a disease. Also I wasn't sleeping around since I was with one woman. If either one of us got into a relationship, we would RESPECT the other and not do anything with them unless things went sour. Rarely were we in a relationship until I was with my EX-Wife. I lost touch with her now because I moved to another state and she eventually was married too.

So no matter what you decided, make sure you are honest with yourself and kfeel that you are ok with your decision. If you have to lie to your children about what you are doing, I wouldn't do it. I know that the friends with benefits thing I wouldn't lie to my children about when they are of the age to understand such things (Only 2 and 1 now) but until they are of age I would tell them the truth that they are too young to understand and explain the parts they could so they understand what they need to know. Good luck in your decisions and I hope no one thinks I am a bad person because of my way of life as a youth.

Glenn