Hello out there to anyone that has ever experienced what I have, or close to it. I am a single parent with two little girls and just got out of a 1 1/2 yr relationship with a person that, I thought, was going to be the one. I moved from CO where I grew up 4 yrs ago to CA and fell in love with a friend. It was all messed up to begin with but all in all he stayed with me for this long only to find out in the end that he wanted to step out of the relationship until he new whether or not he wanted to deal with my lifestyle. I am sure everyone is thinking well that is okay, BUT, here is my problem. Earlier in the relationship I had my doubts that this may not be something he would want to get into with me because he had never been involved with this type of situation. He didn't walk into this blindly mind you, he new I had kids before anything ever happened. I tried to let him out of the relationship earlier on but he always said that he wanted to do it and that he should be allowed to make his own choices about it. So I thought, "hey this guy is really trying to work with me". I was excited. Then things got really bad with my situation, I ended up losing my job, my place to stay and things were hectic. I never new his family and so when the holidays came he was always gone. I was concerned about the family thing because, he lives at home still and to my knowledge at that time, never told his parents about us. One day we ran into his uncle while out with the girls and he introduced me as a friend and "these are her kids". I was devistated. He tried to explain that his father is old fashion Japanese and that he would never accept the fact that he is in a relationship with a single parent. It broke my heart. I told him that if he can't even stand up to his own father and be honest with them how can he be honest with me and how he feels. I questioned him about why he was with me, of course he said he loved me. Things went down hill from there, I was going through more stupid things and I made a tough choice but I let my girls go back to CO with family for the summer so that I could clear things up in CA and get things together before school started for the girls. Ofcourse, I once again tried to let him go, but he was still persistant. He said let's see if we can make this work so on so on. I ended up getting an apartment and he was there all the time. When it came time for me to get the girls, we started arguing more and more. The thing about my ex is he can never truly tell me how he feels about anything so I was always playing a guessing game, I wanted to really sit down and talk to him to see where our relationship was headed, I wanted him to know what goals I had and what I wanted to do in my life and he was so afraid to talk or discuss anything. He told me that he is not the type of person to open up and he never has and wont't. I felt alone in this so I started to think maybe I should return home to CO and start over again. I didn't feel like either of us were on the same page anymore, I told him about it and he said he felt it would be better for me and that if we were meant to be together we would be. I then told him what if I decided to stay and never told him about going back home and I just went and brought my girls back would he feel the same? He said that he would have decided to step out of the relationship until he knew if it was what he wanted or not. Basically I packed my crap and went home to my girls and I am so sad. I can't explain it. I feel so hurt....
MAN DID I VENT OR WHAT??? Sorry guys, I just needed to let it out. Please any advise on how to get over this??

One day at a time.... at least that is how I try to cope. Its not easy to let go of it, but from what it sounds like, you've had to convince yourself that it was something you wanted in the first place. Embrace your family and your support. Get to know yourself again, pamper you and your girls. Just remember to get up every morning and find one good thing about the day to smile about. When you're feeling low, go tickle your little ones...that laughter is contagious. It will be okay, one day, I promise.

And, I'm sure that there are a lot of us that have been there in your mind set asking the same question that will have lots of good words for you too.

Like Blindsky said, it is a day to day process. Don't think you are going to wake up tomorrow and everything is going to be okay. It, unfortunately, doesn't work that way. I haven't ever been in that situation, where I was dating someone that wouldn't tell his family, but I understand how frustrating it is when you put your heart and soul into someone and don't feel like you are getting that in return. It will get easier if you take it one day at a time and just try to look at the positive things you do have in your life. He, obviously, wasn't the ONE for you and Mr. Right is still out there. Keep your head held high and enjoy the time with your girls.

Oh, btw, welcome to the site. This is a great place to vent or share and give advice and comfort. We are all here for the same reason, our kids, and look forward to getting to know you and yours. Good luck and keep a positive outlook on the future.

moniberri, welcome to the site. You did pick a wonderful place to come and vent
Lots of good people on here that will share in your experiences.

As Blindsky and Tysmom said, one day at a time at first. New breakups can leave us pretty disoriented. Just need to find our feet underneath us again. Find out who we are and where we are going from here, and we generally won't figure that out overnight. Find enjoyment in your kids and yourself. Set your goals accordingly and pursue them. It will get better.
Best wishes

Thanks everyone, I needed that extra pat on the back Appreciate everyone's comments you put a smile on my face.

Moniberri,

Welcome!!!I know that this is an old cliche but time really does heal all hurts. It will gradually not hurt so much as the days go by.It obviously was not meant to be , especially if you are with someone who seems to be ashamed of your kids.Sure it hurts like crazy right now but the love that you gets from your children wil more than compensate.All will be well in time. Keep your head up!

Thanks for the assurance newyorkmama, oddly enough as I was sitting down posting my message the other day, he called me. I didn't pick up the phone because I had no clue what I was going to say so I just let it go. He ended up text messaging me saying that he kinda figured that I wouldn't p/u and that it was probably best that we didn't talk anyway because he wouldn't be able to hold it together on the phone, that he really missed me and can't stop thinking about me and that tears fall everyday for me. I hate to sound so simple but man did that hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me feel horrible but I don't want to start picking up the phone and making wrong choices. I am trying to be strong. I just emailed him and basically told him how I felt, that I can't be with someone that doesn't appreciate all that I have and that "we" deserve better and that I don't feel like we should accept anything less. That I can't force him to love me or my girls and that this is something he has to feel and know he wants, and if he someday came to his senses, just kidding, but someday if he realizes that this is what he wants and that he is ready to really truly accept it and be honest with himself and his family, because his family is everything to him, then he knows where I am but hopefully it is not too late. Obviously the phone hasn't been ringing so I hope I got my point through. Thanks for the support guys

If it helps, its been 5 years off and on with my Ex and I almost picked up the phone this week to call him and try to get back together. I see him every other week if not more to drop off my daughter. It hurts every time. At least you can have closure if you choose to. I know that doesn't help the hurt, but its your choice whether or not you continue to have communication with him.

Its never easier, just a duller pain.

Honestly I really have this strange feeling like I shouldn't completely shut the door on him. I get the feeling that he is just so confused with what he really wants that it is starting to really get at him now. I don't know what it's like growing up in an Asian household but I do know that it is not easy and I think that when he is outside of home (family) he can be what he really wants to be, but later he has to go home and face the reality of his life. He doesn't want to grow up and move out and start his own life and why would he, he has a free roof over his head, free food in his mouth, he really doesn't have to do much but keep a job and find a wife someday so they can move him out of the house and get him started on his new life, that is really what it is like, he doesn't agree with it but I guess he fooled me.. he doesn't know what it's like to be in the "real" world and I think he is just plain scared to be. All in all, I really love the guy but I need someone that loves me unconditionally back and is willing to build a future together. Oh well I guess if God wants it to be then he will let it be.

The realization I have to settle into with my situation, is that my Ex and I just aren't on the same page. We were building two separate lives, where our daughter was the only thing that was common. I love him, that hasn't changed. Would do anything to ensure his happiness, including letting him go.

It'll be ok, but friendships that harbor feelings of romance...are hard ones to keep.

I have the feeling the more we talk, the more we're going to find similarities in our stories. First of all, it was absolutely the most painful thing I've ever been through in my life and that is saying a lot....I've had my share of traumatic experiences. We worked together for several years and had the same group of friends not to mention common business relationship. I never thought of him as anything more than a friend because we were too different. He is ultra conservative and I'm more of a free spirit type. Love does funny things and one day the lightbulb went off and both of us just kind of looked at each other dumbfounded at the intense feelings we had for one another. We were absolutely in love but he was in a relationship with another girl and I told him he needed to deal with that and I couldn't stay involved. Bottom line, we would see each other, couldn't keep our hands off one another, it felt so right. He kept telling me he was going to end it with the other girl, I walked away 4 or 5 times because he wouldn't do it. I spent so much time alone waiting for him to be with me. It really f-ed with my mind sitting around trying to figure out what the "real issue" was. He finally broke up with his girlfriend and my daughter was at her dad's house in Moab for the summer. I had all my weekends free and I figured we would finally be together....but all his weekends seemed to be planned out with his friends, many of which were married. It hurt so bad because I couldn't figure out why I wasn't meeting them. I thought maybe it was just going to take time and when it hurt too bad I walked away again. I'll never forget staying at his house one weekend when his sister showed up with her daughter....he introduced me as his friend, it hurt so bad. We had been dating for a year at that point. I never met his parents, he never took me home. It's a long story that I'm sure we'll end up sharing all of by the end of this, but what I wish at this point is that I would have paid more attention to the "red flags". These types of men usually either have serious commitment issues or else there is someone else involved. The situations almost always end up not working out and you need to protect yourself...it is a win win for you to take care of yourself and start erecting boundaries. If you don't, it can get worse trust me. I have NEVER been seriously depressed in my life and at the end of this relationship, I wanted to die because it hurt so bad and my self-esteem was so shattered. I have dated a bit but I haven't been involved with anyone since this relationship. I'm definately still healing. The best thing I did the last and final time we broke up was I kept myself very busy with friends that were there to support me. You NEED to talk about this and I don't know about you but by the end of my situation I had burned everyone out in my life with the story....but my good friends kept listening and yes I'm getting over it....not completely there but on my way. I suggest getting a book called "Men who can't Love"....I don't know maybe I'm off base about your situation but you might want to check it out and let me know what you think. If you don't have it or can't afford it, I'll mail my copy to you. I'm here for you....maybe this will help me put another nail in my coffin. Start thinking about ending this, in the end we broke up 11 times and each time he told me he couldn't live without me....I know he loved me but he's sick in the head and you know, it wasn't really ever about what I needed, always about what he needed. You need someone that can give to you the reassurance you and your kids deserve.

Hugs and more hugs! I ended up on this board because I needed to be picked up and carried a bit....he literally broke my heart like I didn't know it could be broken. Shattered is probably a better word. I refuse to talk to him now.

Realizing it is over is the hardest part. Once you have that over, the rest will fall into place much easier. I wish you the best.

No matter what the situation is, when you are in love, the for real love, you always walk around with blinders on. But somewhere in your mind, something is telling you the way you are being treated is wrong, and you end up leaving. But then, being apart for awhile, you start "forgetting" all the things that made you leave in the first place. I know, I did it. Me and my ex broke up probably close to 15 times in 4 years and until this last time, I kept going back just to learn that the reason I left in the first place hadn't changed, no matter how many times he said it had. This last time, what I did, was wrote down all the reasons why we just didn't work and I posted it on my refrigerator so that when he would call asking for us to be together again, all I had to do was look at that list to remind me why I left in the first place. It's now been a year since we broke up and I'm finally at that point where I can think about him and remember clearly why I left without having to be reminded. And now, I'm happy. Not ready to start dating again, but I'm happy.