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Single Family Voices - For Single Parents Online Single Parent Forums Dating & Relationships Am I wrong?|
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I am New to SFV |
I have been in a relationship for almost 2 years with a single Father of 3 children: girl 10,girl 9, boy 3. I am the single parent of a 9 year old. I have tried and tried in my heart to feel different but....I can't. He wants to get married but I won't because I feel that my daughter and I would be miserable because 1. his ex is crazy and mean (but of course must still and always will be involved) and 2. my daughter has had only me for her entire 9 years and to suddenly have a 9 AND 10 year old sister and 'baby' brother would be so hard for both of us. I have told 'him' that if he had them on week-ends and holidays, I'd reconsider but that having them full-time (Sunday thru Fri/Sat) is too much for me. Mind you, I adore kids and they are very kind. But,I made a choice when I had a daughter that I would look out for what's best for HER and I don't see how these circumstances would be. And I should not be made to feel that there is something 'wrong' with me being who I am. Are MY values warped?
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"Moderator Proud father/grandfather" SFV JUNKIE!!!  |
I'll be honest here, it sounds like you want the companionship of this man but not his family. And if that's how you feel and can't change that, then it's how you feel. I wouldn't say to you your values are warped, just sounds like you are looking for something different than what you have. It also sounds like he loves you and is looking for more, for the both of you.
He isn't likely to change either, if he did give up his family for the relationship I would think less of that type of person actually. |
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"-" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Ok, well judging from what I'm hearing you say .. you're not being fair and you're wasting this man's time. Did you tell him at the beginning that you weren't planning on settling down with him - ever? Maybe you did. I just think two years is a long time to use his children as an excuse to not take the next natural step forward. It's not nice. |
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"Going home very soon, god willing" Lively & Zealous Parent  |
I have to say I agree with miss jes. That is a long time to be with a person, and you said the kids are great, you have no problems with them. I have said I will not marry again but have been told not to count it out. I am still to new to the single parent thing.
Personally, I have been very open with my children. I had a very bad childhood and I want more for my children. I tell them and take their opinion on what is getting ready to happen. I in the end am the one who makes the decision but I feel they are people too and have feelings and they should have a little consideration on things. I would ask my 9 year old what she feels if I were in your position. She may be totally thrilled that she would have sisters her age to pal around with and get through the teen years with. I think otherwise, it is kinda rude and playing with his feelings and the feelings of all 4 children if you continue a relationship like that. Just my humble opinion. |
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I am New to SFV |
Wow, I sure feel beat up...I have ended with this man many, many times. He comes back and begs me to please not "leave him." SO, I *am* guilty of this; of continuing to hang on to not see him sad and continuing to try and believe that he can change my heart. Let me also add that I refuse (to his disapproval) to have him come over and spend the night and/or play house (his or mine) with our kids around. I say it's wrong. I did not KNOW in the beginning that his x was crazy. I also did not know that he had them as much as he does. It all happened within the first year. The picture I saw was very different than what has actually happened. As for my daughter, I have tried to all but *force* her to love his kids as her sisters and brother, but it just hasn't happened. She has seen and heard a lot of negative things from him AND recently the X. I have never misrepresented myself to him. In fact, I have been brutally honest. I feel like I am a bad person for not giving in to this blending of families but I will not take any risks with hurting my daughter or his children. I think that telling me I am playing games or whatnot was quite unfair...but,this is what these forums are for. I appreciate everyone's words and advice.
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I am New to SFV |
P.S. I came here to get advice from other single parents. It is very difficult to be one and being in this situation has been the most difficult thing in my entire life. I do believe this man is wasting his time with me and tell him such. He says he doesn't care; that he loves me. I feel that we are both trapped. I know he wants someone to marry and share life with. I have wanted to have another child. I am now 38 years old and have probably lost that chance as well. I don't know what to do.
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"Active Board Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
Hello 2hows and welcome to the site. I do believe u need to guard your daughter, but as the others said why did it take 2 yrs to decide you didn't wanna be with him cuz of him havin his kids all the time??? You should be applauding him for taking the responsibility that a whole lot of dads don't. I say if you have no feelings for this man to end it now and quit leading him on. It is not the childrens fault how their mom is!!!!
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"-" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
Well I don't think our intentions are to beat you up. We're basing our replies only on what you've written so far. I thought your priority was to protect your daughter from a negative situation yet you've continued on exposing her to this exact thing. If this man harbours a lot of negativity than what is it that you're holding onto? Convenience? Are you simply just avoiding lonliness with a man you don't love?
You have to make reponsible choices and if that means ending a relationship you feel is not beneficial to your life, then do it. It's never a good idea to go against your word, particularly when children are involved. From the sounds of it, you have the best intentions at heart but your priorities are favouring your boyfriend over your daughter. It kind of goes against your initial plan. Sorry hon, either you take this relationship to the next level or end it entirely. I dont think its fair to drag something out when your heart is clearly not interested. Don't take our words the wrong way. Just think about them. That's what forums are all about. It's a realization of a different perspective. Huggs girl! |
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"Still plugging along" At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
Hey, 2hows, don't beat yourself up too much.
I certainly know where you're coming from with not wanting him to be hurt, lonely, and sad. I call it "bleeding heart syndrome". Where you just want everyone to be happy and noone sad, god forbid it is you that will ever make anyone feel this way. YOU, want to end everyone's pain. So, you stay in relationships where you are truly not happy, but cannot bear to be the one to make this person sad again. If you could, you'd clone yourself and stay with this man and his kids and be one big happy family, and your other self would go on with your daughter, ensuring that she's happy, and not forced to live with anyone she doesn't want to. Unfortunately, I do not have any better answer for you than the rest. It is good advice to move on and be happy yourself. If you were truly happy with this man, your doubts would not be so great about his family. You would deal with whatever comes along with him if you truly loved him. I'm not saying to leave him and quit leading him on, as he is also responsible for keeping you there by taking advantage of your weakness. He would just let you go if he was not being selfish himself by begging you to stay. If I knew someone wanted out, the last thing I'm going to do is beg them to stay. No matter how much it might hurt, I don't want someone to stay with me out of pity. Aparently this man has no respect for himself either. You'll make the right choice. It doesn't sound like you'll be able to stay much longer anyway, from the sounds of your post, you've reached your limit. Good luck to you. |
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"Board Blazen Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT!  |
Hey 2hows,
Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry that your first impression of us in not a good one. I sure hope you will stick around and see the good that comes from here. There are a lot of wonderful people here and wonderful advice. Like Pooker I understand where you are at and it does sound like he is manipulating you some. When we first enter into a relationship we don't know where it will go and what will happen, but we do the best we can with it at the time. Sometimes our priorities change along the way too. Hence we grow from the realationship, sometimes we grow closer to that person and others away from. I know it is hard dear but from what you have said it just might be time to bite the bullet and let him go. It sounds like although you do not want to marry him you do care for him and his children and don't want to hurt them. In the process it sounds like you are sacrificing yourself and that is not fair to you. There is another post on this site of a gentleman who had to break up with someone he cared for but saw no future with. I don't know how to give you the link to it but maybe someone else will or maybe you can find it. Sorry. I wish you the best. Follow your heart and follow through. I know that is easier said than done. You can do it for the right of it all. Good luck and God bless. |
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"THE PURPLE GRAPE...How I feel! LOL" Board Beacon Parent |
Hello 2shows and welcome to forum!
I have read thru and of course I have to agree with many of the others on this post. Ok in the start of the realtionship there is a saying...everyone pretends to be someone else while they date...Now you know that real person. It seems you don't want to be w/that person in a seriouls realtionship. Is it fair to keep taking him back? Giving him false hope that you may change your feelings? No, I don't thinks thats fair. Once it's done you should keep it done. On the other hand I can see why it's hard to let go. It's out of habit. Let's be honest you have had him in your life for two years. Sometimes it's hard to break an on habit. I am not here to put you down for your choices b/c lord knows I've been in one of those comfy bad habit realtionships. So I can see both sides of the coins. I also relized that it was time to let go and move on. It will be hard it was hard for me and him both. Unfortantly my son was hurt too but we went on and found people that made us happy later. By all means you should protect your daughter. Do you think maybe b/c you're not committing to this relationship that you are unintenionally stopping your daught from loving as well? My x was like that - b/c he could not love he stoped his son from loving me and my son. He did not reliaze he was doing so at times. I guess my advice would be is to let him go. It's fair to you, him and all of the kids. Lets just say you have grown from this and now know what you really want. I wish the best of luck to you. And both of you may be better off from leaving each other as sad as it sounds. GOOD LUCK SPIRIT  |
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I am New to SFV |
I think the only option for me is to move. I love him. I care about him. I applaud him and have never asked him to abandon his kids. I won't lie and say I haven't wished that he would just let his wife have them and have him have them on week-ends and holidays or every other week (for the week). I feel like he will think (as he has said plenty of times) that I "just didn't love him enough"...I don't think it's that. I think it's just that I love my daughter more and am thinking of the 'realities' of day to day life if I went through with this. :badday:
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I am New to SFV |
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I am New to SFV |
Hello,
Do you think you know when the other post was written or the topic name? I don't know how to find it? The one about the gentleman who had to break up with someone that he knew he had no future with? Do you think introducing him to this forum (website) would be good? Maybe he'd see my feelings as when I tell him he doesn't 'hear' me. and maybe he'd listen to others? |
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"Board Blazen Parent" At A loss for Words - NOT! |
The other posts were under Dating and relationships.
One was titled "The worst kind of break up" and the other was "breaking up is hard to do" I don't know if they will help but just some other ideas. I am sure if you look back under Dating and Relationship there are more. Those are two of the most recent. I wish you the best. God bless. |
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