I've been on this forum before (under the name midcanuck) and have gotten some good advice from you folks. I figured it was time to ask again for some words of wisdom.

I'm still going out with the same woman now for just over a year. 99.5% of the time, things go great. 0.3% of the time, I openly admit that I say something stupid, and catch **** for it. 0.2% of the time, I am wondering why something I have done (or am going to do) is wrong. Case in point:

I am just finishing up school, and am in need of a vacation. I am thinking of heading west to the mountains, to do some mountain biking. I talk to some folks on a mountain bike forum from time to time, and have been asking them for advice on places to go.

I was telling my gf about some of the invites I have rec'd, and all was cool, until I mentioned that one of the people was a female. Uh-oh. Then the s**t kind of, sort of hit the fan.

I asked her if she trusts me, and she says yes. But she wonders how I can spend the day with a strange woman half way across the continent. I explain to her that it is mountain biking. That to me is sacred. It is about mountain biking, not about who is showing me the trail. Besides, I am pretty sure the woman is married

She asked if I would feel comfortable if she spent the day with another man. I said it would depend upon the circumstances, but it would not likely bother me.

When I tried to resolve the issue, she said to just drop it. That, yes, she trusts me, but no, she is not comfortable with my spending the good part of a day with a strange woman.

I am not the cheating sort. It is not in my nature. I place no value on casual s*x. Granted, I do appreciate the female form. The aesthetics of women amaze me. My gf knows this, and seems cool with it (as long as I do not gawk at other women too much in her presence, which only makes sense).

And before you ask, no, the two of us can't take this vacation together. Her time off isn't until August, and there is no way I'll be able to take mine then.

I have openly admitted to her my desire to move out west one day, when my apprenticeship is complete (3+ years). She even likes the idea, but can't do it right now. I wonder if she is afraid that I am going to up and leave her, and take up residence in the Rockies, never to be seen again. Is it that simple? Or is this some part of the female psyche that I just don't get?

This is my two cents and only mine. You can take it or leave it and that is fine. I have learned over the years that if you are in a commited relationship and you really truely do value that above all else. Then your really don't want to put yourslef in a stituation where it would make your partner uncomfortable. Esp with a women that you don't even know. The thing is you don't want to put yourslf in a situation where something could happen. Now I am not suggesting that you would do something however, how would it make her feel if you came back from the trip and this women made a move on you. It does not matter is she is married. Married people cheat all the time unfortunatly. I have come to value not putting yourself in a situation where something could happen.

Just in case you are wondering and I don't mind telling you my husband of 10 plus years had two differnent girlfriends. At two differnt times in our marriage. These women started out being "close friends" I am not suggesting this is what will happen with you or you are this kind of person. This may be what is going on in the back of her mind. I hope I did not step on your toes and you can see where I am coming from on this one. Good luck with your decision either way.

hmm..i can honestly say i'm not sure how i feel about this one. on one hand i can totally see her point, but i can also see yours. i guess it boils down to how secure and trusting someone is in a relationship amd apparently she has some issues with that. if you think it's just because of the situation (you spending the day with a strange women half way across the continent) then i think it may be a valid reason for her being jealous? i mean things do and can happen and yes you may not be the type to cheat but she obviously doens't trust you 100%. otherwise it wouldn't be an issue.

Thanks for the responses.

We are in a committed relationship, although we are not living together, and won't be for probably another year (her house is too small, and the housing market is just stupid right now. Neither of us wants to end up being house poor).

It's not like I am going to call up some strange woman because I am in another province and have nothing to do. I already have a plan. I'm going riding. Heck, having a tour guide could save my life, because I would end up avoiding dangerous trails, or ones that frequently have bears on them.

I am just frustrated by this, and a bit hurt. It's like being declared guilty of an offense that isn't going to happen. So what if the other woman makes a move on me? It's not like I am just going to say "Sure, let's do it." Not only would I mess up my relationship with the gf, but I would totally mess up ever seeing her son again either. That would hurt almost as much as not seeing the gf.

hello flatlander(midcanuk),

Great to see that the three of you have grown together so much.

Do you think she wants to go with you on the trip? Is it a possibility?

Perhaps she's just seeing this adventure as growing apart..... I generally do not like any of my BF's friends who are girls... and I listen very intently to the way I'm introduced. It speaks volums as to where I am in his life.

I have to agree with Cailin. Some girls do try anything to compromise a guy's relationship. It's a little different when guys get together and do things. There are usually clear boundaries and most issues may arise from time, money, or insulting comments. When you add a woman to the mix.. you suddenly have accidents and unintentional happenings.

Guys point of view. You are probably in a non win situation trying to make that trip happen. You already know that if it were a guy that she would probably be fine with it, just like you said she was cool until you mentioned the girl. Now granted it might all be just nothing more than about mountain biking but you are in a relationship that sounds like is actually pretty good....95.5% is a darned good number.
My opinion, plan a mountain bike get away. But do it with some other people from the forum....guys, to keep the peace. At the very least see if you can arrange a bigger group with guys involved, if she would feel better about that. Don't think of it as being declared guilty, or lack of trust. Think about it as just that she loves you and doesn't want some slip of fate to ruin it.

nope. unacceptable. if you are single go for it, but out of respect for your girlfriend, nope. if she wanted to go surfing with a guy a thousand miles away??? no.

if it were a mutual friend that you both knew, that is another story.

I have always had male friends. when i was married, i included my husband in the friendship and then it was simple, the 'other man' became "our" friend and not just "my" friend.

one of my best high school buddies likes my ex more than he likes me. funny. but unless your girlfriend is included in the friendships, it is inappropriate - in my little world...

If this is an isolated incident then your girlfriend has a very valid concern I think. As the other people said, it's an odd arrangement even if you have great intentions. One man, one woman, other side of the world...

On the other hand if it's a trend, as in she gets jealous any time you are doing activities without her and a girl is there, then she has a problem... jealousy is a serious problem.

If this trip is a personal dream sort of deal then tweak it so it's OK with your partner. Are there other people who can come along? Rhetorically, if you go, call your girl all the time to let her know she's in your mind, buy her a thoughtful gift... but all this is a mute point if you don't find a way to get a bigger group together.

I've got a similar potential problem. I love to travel... it's my thing.. I'd rather go on a trip than drive a nice car or whatever luxury others may choose. The nature of my travel is that I can't afford to take someone else with me, and any girl I'm with would have to be either just as passionate about travel or be OK with me going alone. Most girls I've dated get pretty insecure when that subject comes up

Sighhh. I can see that this is going to be an issue that needs dealing with in the counselling that her and I have agreed to attend.

Point is - I have tried to be respectful. When my ex gf came around, looking for help with her bike, I pointed her in the direction of a bike shop. Not because I would mind helping, but out of respect to my gf. When a new neighbour lady was apparently flirting with me, I made sure to mention my gf. Frequently.

I make friends with females much easier than with guys. That's just the way I am. I have intro'd my gf (who I will now refer to as Sandra, just to avoid saying "my gf" all the time). Sandra knows about all my female friends, and has never had a problem with it. So I don't get why this is an issue now. If I wanted to have an affair (and I really don't), then I could do that where I live.

I cannot back down on this one. To me, a friend is a friend, and that is the way it is. Female or male, it doesn't matter. It's not like we are teenagers, when insecurity is always an issue. We are both in our late 30's.

Maybe she is jealous of my going on holidays solo. We can't go together this time, due to scheduling conflicts. Another time, certainly.

When it comes to fights with GF's dude.
You lose.
if you haven't learned it by now, then you will be repeating it again.

Dawg

quote:

I cannot back down on this one.

what's that all about? regardless of the issue man, what's that all about?

couples counseling.....that's about the only good thing I read on there

quote:

Originally posted by flatlander:
I cannot back down on this one. To me, a friend is a friend, and that is the way it is. Female or male, it doesn't matter. It's not like we are teenagers, when insecurity is always an issue. We are both in our late 30's.

I'm going to step up as the voice of (in)sanity in the wilderness, or devil's advocate or whatever because I think you have that perogative

I know a lot of women that feel the same way you do about this. Maybe you're better off with one of those...

but be careful what you wish for. If this is a great woman we are talking about here, are you really ready to dig your heals in over this issue? You have to choose your battles in a relationship. So if this thing is a BIG DEAL to you then go for it, but you'd better make d*mn sure it's what you want

Maybe I've missed something so correct me if I'm wrong...but in your initial posting I thought you referred to this woman as someone you only recently met on line...which doesn't mean a friend, but at most an acquaintance. Then in a later post you refer to the person as a friend. I'm sorry but I'd have to take your girlfriends side on this one. In a relationship if you truly want it to work you can't just disregard the other person's feelings. If she truly feels this strongly about it why do it? It doesn't sound to me like it's about the holiday...it's about the person you want to spend the holiday with. Irregardless of the reason if she is truly not okay with it then why do it?

Chris,

I keep asking myself if you choose to go on the trip, is building your relationship or tearing it down.

I just remember an insightful friend told me that in a relationship... you're either building it or tearing it down... there's no middle ground.

Ideally, I would say all of you go on the trip together. If it isn't possible... would there be another consolation or opportunity for the other to experience biking ?

while you're having a ball and she has the same old routine stuff.... I guess she could be happy for you.