Okay...so I'm actually new to having a relationship that isn't very one sided. I mean I'm normally the one falling into things too fast and romanticizing the situation beyond its means. Well...my new boyfriend is that way too...so I'm a bit in over my head here

My therapist and I talked about asking the right questions..the tough questions...as I go through the infatuation piece of the relationship and move into deeper waters. Some of you touched on this in the fun lounge and I wanted to start a thread on it. I really like this guy and I want to make it stick...but I need to find the right questions to be asking to make sure ya know?

Ok so the ones me and my shrinky dink came up with so far are these:

What did he learn from his parents failed relationships...about relationships?

Does he save his money or is he a spender?

What does he want in his future?



I don't know but I think this list needs to grow so I need help. He and I are covering a lot of ground almost daily. I know things take time and we have all the time in the world, but I want to do this right. I've never met someone that seemed to have the same romantic notions about how things should be and I would like to remove my 'rose colored glasses' to make sure I'm not dreaming.

Ok enough rambling...here's the need for this post...

What are the IMPORTANT questions to ask your significant other?

One "exercise" that I enjoy with my partner (no, other than THAT kind of exercise, HB!) is to list your top 10* "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands" in a partner. Going through this exercise really helped me to pull out my priorities when looking for a partner.

I'll share my list with you if you want, so you can see what I'm describing.

Then, you compare your list with what you're seeing in your partner, and it helps you feel that you're seeing things clearly, without the rose colored glasses.

If your man is up for it too, it works even better. You get to see what he's looking for, and honestly consider if that's who you are and what you can provide in a relationship.



*ok, so my top 10 "Must Haves" is actually 20 items long... Now do you see why I'm willing to fly all the way to Boston to be with the guy? He meets all 20 of my criteria! lol

I would like to see your list so I can start thinking about this too. I am not currently in a realtionship, but I would like to be prepared if God ever actually shows me another guy to get involved with.

I posted a list of 10 things back in December of last year to my blog. I didn't want to lose track of them.

10 Things I want/find attractive in a Man....


1. Knows that love is give and take...sometimes you give and other times you take but its a balance to be worked for

2. He realizes that falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard work...and he's willing to put the work in.

3. He likes to pamper and be pampered. I'm very giving and need someone who is as well.

4. Family oriented. Someone who wants a house full of children and people around as much as I do (but who also appreciates quiet nights alone together)

5. If it wasn't obvious.....a die hard romantic.

6. Honest but not brutal. I'm blunt and need softening...need someone who isn't afraid to be honest but can teach me how to say things gently.

7. Intelligent, but not necessarily in a scholarly way. I can appreciate common sense smarts and book intelligence both....but can't stand a man with book smarts and no common sense. LOL

8. Attractive inside and out. A person can have some outward flaws if they are attractive on the inside it makes them gorgeous on the outside. I love them tall dark and handsome. Broad shouldered and solid as a brick house will do :-)

9. Compassion and Understanding. I am not healthy. I have pain and I have fatigue. I also suffer depression. There are days when I can barely lift my own arm and others when I can't seem to stop flitting about. I need someone who can understand that.

10. Young at heart. I am attracted to a man who can act like a man and dream like a boy. That is sexy as ****.


I did look my list up several times in the last few weeks and measure him against it. I think the one thing that isn't on there that I realized in the last 6 months...is that I want a man whose Faith is the same as mine. Luckily for me....Ben also carries Christian beliefs.

So there's...11 so far.

Check into the whole Co-Dependency issue. How tightly does your partner hold on? Do they have a life outside of the relationship? Are they willing to let you have your own? And so forth.....

Do you want to get married? Specific issues/ideas about what a wife should be?
Do you want to have children? Specific issues/ideas about how they should be raised?
Why did your last relationship fail?
How many long-term relationships have you had?
What is your plan for caring for your parents as they age?
Are you where you want to be in life (career, edu, personal achievements), and do you have the sufficient level of motivation and “just do it” to get to your unrealized goals?
As a teenager, did you do silly stunts with animals?
Have you ever had *** with a man?
What diseases and ailments are common in your family?
Do you have close female friends?


Questions that really have to be observed rather than directly answered

How do you handle conflict?
How much alcohol do you consume?
Do you regularly view pornography?
What do you do with your free time when I am not around?
Can you love another man’s children?
What are the quirks/idiosyncrasies I don’t get to see on a daily basis?
What is your biggest personal shortcoming?

I will leave this topic to others...I am too opinionated on this topic to give you my questions

quote:

...As a teenager, did you do silly stunts with animals?
Have you ever had *** with a man?
What diseases...

...note to self don't encourage Lola to write her own vows if she marries drummer boy...

Hahahaha, but writing is what I do! LOL! No, just being honest. You can never assume anything anymore. These are the things I want to know.

I just remember the animals thing being linked to violent tendencies in men.

I've heard tell of bisexual men who don't consider themselves gay. ??? Hmmm, and now that I've thought of it, i would also ask if they've ever paid for ***.

And I was thinking of Alzheimer's for family diseases because that will require both of them to be heavily involved in caregiving, which will be a lot of stress.


I think everyone should ask these questions

quote:

Originally posted by LolaO:
Hahahaha, but writing is what I do! LOL! No, just being honest. You can never assume anything anymore. These are the things I want to know.

I just remember the animals thing being linked to violent tendencies in men.


I've heard tell of bisexual men who don't consider themselves gay. ??? Hmmm, and now that I've thought of it, i would also ask if they've ever paid for ***.

And I was thinking of Alzheimer's for family diseases because that will require both of them to be heavily involved in caregiving, which will be a lot of stress.


I think everyone should ask these questions

oh my gosh - lola - i absolutely thought you were being silly! i had no idea you were serious!!! so you might just have had worse experience choosing men than i have - thank goodness drummer boy seems to be somewhat normal so far! or has he??????

LMAO!!! Not quite. This is from reading and experiences of my friends. Well Alzheimer's is in my family. Drummer Man is the fourth man I've dated in my entire life. I live vicariously ya know.

quote:

Originally posted by Trey's Daddy:
I will leave this topic to others...I am too opinionated on this topic to give you my questions

I quadruple dare you....that is, if you are not

quote:

the fourth man I've dated in my entire life

well, back "in the day" that was considered a slow weekend for me! i'd have killed you vicarioiusly <grin>

who'd have thunk i would have turned it all around to be an angel in the second half of my life? now i am living vicariously through YOU - funny.

Rebecca,

My favourite thing to look at is how we resolve problems together. Do we accomplish goals well?

Here's a task.... try cooking dinner together. Both of you don't have to be cooks... just plan a menu, grocery shop, prepare, cook, and enjoy.... well hopefully. How did both of you work together?
Were you at each other's throats?
Can't wait till the task ended?
Did you guys laugh at blunders?
Did anyone blame someone for mistakes?
How did you overcome difficulties... like someone forgot to get the onions at the store?

If the two of you can set goals and accomplish them together.... a very big plus+++

haha asking if he's been with a man isn't a bad idea. As some of you know, my ex the soldier turned out to be gay, well he doesn't think he is but he's been with men therefore in my book he's gay, lol.

I'd ask if he's ever been with/dated a married woman.