quote:

He's just trying to understand.

And what exactly is it that he's trying to understand here??

I have to admit that it was pointed out to me that he did mention the child in his first post here.
So...I do stand corrected on that point....however...
It doesn't change my position at all.

The fact that there is a child involved here adds another element to this situation.
And someone who can without remorse ignore or step on a childs feelings without a care has no character...
Therefore there is nothing to assasinate here...

The bullet wound in his foot was self-inflicted....

quote:

Relax people

funny you mention feeling defensive, because each time i read that, i feel defensive. ironic.

<Sighs, and rubs bridge of nose>

HB, I debated whether or not to even bother responding to your comments. Some would say that I am wasting my time, as you have already painted me as the bad guy in this internet 'saga'. You have absolutely NO idea what kind of person I really am. No idea at all. Oh, you think you do, maybe based upon other people you may have dealt with in the past. But that really means nothing in this case.

I will clarify this: Yes, it is the same woman. I pulled the name 'Sandra' out of the air, as I didn't recall using a different name for her last time. Yes, she does have a son, who was 4 years old last time, and is now 5.

I am not here to play with people's emotions. I have many, MANY better things to do with my time. I stated the situation, asked for some insight, and holy ****... I'm suddenly worse than JR Ewing off of 'Dallas'. For those of you in the younger generation, insert the name of some other television or movie villain.

I obviously have different ideas on this situation. I firmly believe that if there is no intent of messing around with another person, then there should be no problem with spending a few hours with an acquaintance (or however you wish to describe the woman I will be riding with). The only reservation I would have if the situation were reversed? I would be concerned for my gf's safety, if I didn't know the guy she was hanging out with.

I just shake my head at your attempt to lay on a guilt trip about hurting her son. This issue is between Sandra and I. No matter what I say in response to that, I'll no doubt look like an even worse 'villain'. So, I will say this: if my relationship with Sandra cannot withstand this, then the relationship was never meant to be. We would obviously be too different to move in together and eventually get married.

Hurt? Yeah, all three of us will hurt if we break up. Pain is part of life. You can protect kids from it to a certain extent, but some sadness is inevitable. Strength can be gained from that, believe it or not, if it is handled well. So, save your hostility for those who truly deserve it. The people who molest kids, or beat them, or verbally berate them each and every day. Not someone who loves his gf's son, and does what he can to help him grow up to be a decent human being.

So, now that I am no doubt a complete and total ******* in pretty much everyone's eyes here, I'll wrap up for the evening.

Please, do carry on with your bashing.

HB. What I said, he's trying to understand his g/f's point of view. I noticed that someone said something about her name changing. I thought that he is just using a different name to protect those involved, not trying to hide or deceive someone, and from his response, I see that I was right.
I have the same view point as he, and maybe age has something to do with it. He's 40, (if I recall correctly) I'm coming up on 38. I find that being honest is the best policy. I am friends with ex's I've had before the relationship I'm in, and my S/O knows that. It doens't mean I want to start something up again. If I felt that way, I would tell him right away, stop any contact with whoever it was that I was feeling attracted to in "the wrong way", and concentrate on my relationship. I don't see it happening because this is the best relationship I've been in in my life and we're lucky enough to have had a child together. If there were problems, I would devote myself to fixing them because there is a child involved, and her happiness is of the utmost importance. To be able to give at least one of my children the chance to grow up with two parents together....Priceless.
I feel this way even after being cheated on and abused by the father of my first child. I don't think because of that that all men are bad, just him. Maybe Flatlanders g/f doesn't feel that way because of what she went through.
I am not a biker, but I can understand what he is saying, its just going on a trail that this other girl is familiar with. When you get to be in the 40 area, (this is how I feel, as a female anyway) it's just about living life, not seeing who you can get s** from. In my 20's I would have felt differently. He's not trying to hurt anyone, he's just going on a bike ride that seems to be his passion.
Some people on this site have taken this to much higher proportions than is really necessary.
Everyone's experieces have affected them differently and we are only hearing one side of the story. Maybe Flatlander is taking what his g/f thinks more personally than she means. There is soo much misunderstanding. (This is what I go through with the freak. I say one thing, and he takes it to something way out of context than what I meant.) That does not mean we should add or assume what is in between the lines.
Why, LaurieDorey are you feeling defensive by "relax"? BTW, I love that picture of you and your daughter.
I just think people need to be more peaceful in this world with each other. That start with # 1. When you assume you make an a$$ out of u and me.

quote:

Why, LaurieDorey are you feeling defensive by "relax"? BTW, I love that picture of you and your daughter

thanks for the pic compliment.
"Relax people" really reads hostile to me. Perhaps it is not intended that way, but it totally makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up - like, who the hel are you to tell me what to do? which ironically seemed to be the tone of this thread.

I think the big big picture here is not the issue of the girlfriend or the bike riding or the stated issue. To me, it was just a bad attitude. Lots of folks come here for advice. But usually, not always, but usually they come here genuinely interested in the opinions of others with a head and heart open to change. I suspect many of us have had that V8 smack type of "light bulb on" moment after reading responses to our posts. Go through and see how many folks respond by saying 'thank you' as the other opinion was valued.

In this case, it was as though advice was requested, then spat upon. Over and over it was argumentative with constant reassurance that it was not going to change his mind. Then why are you posting I wanted to shout! That is so frustrating. I remember reading one post wondering, then why the h did you ask us? i learn a lot from the folks here and respect their time. Accordingly, i try to give back when i feel i can. I dont want to waste my time sharing thoughts and ideas with someone who brags about not taking advice. it has been a frustrating thread for many folks and in my opinion, that is why.

no one has to follow anyone else's advice. but it is not what you say, it is how you say it. how he said it affected a lot more folks than hb. and i am feeling quite pit bull protective and well... i <3 HB!!

Ahhh, but here's the rub: I never once asked if I should or should not ride with my acquaintance. The advice not to was offered - over and over again, it seems. All I wanted was insight into the female psyche. Nothing more. If you all want to offer words of wisdom on THAT topic, please feel free to do so.

Sane one, you summarized the situation in one post better than I could in 5 or 6 posts. I bow to you.

quote:

All I wanted was insight into the female psyche

honey if we had a simple answer for that we'd all be millionaires! ditto for the male psyche.

Flatlander,

Let me give it a try. I have a lot of time this morning and bored.

So... let me see.

My BF wants to go biking with a woman he met on a forum.
(I keep hearing how relationships start up like this. He says its just a bike ride... maybe it is. I guess I should trust him. He's a bit angry.)

He's almost done with his apprenticeship and thinks about moving out west.
(Wow, is he considering taking me? Does he know how this will affect my son? He's 4 and hasn't started school yet so moving wouldn't be too much of a problem. We talked about the possiblity of being together but.... there's no ring on my finger. Just how invested in this relationship is he?)

He says he's going and I have to deal with it.
(ok... he's asking me to trust him. I made a bad choice in trusting someone in the past and I got burned. We are not formally engaged. He's just a BF... and MaYbe we'll be together. We've invested a year in this relationship.....if he's not serious about me.... he's taking the opportunity for someone else to love me entirely.)


This leaves me to question on how serious is she in her career. Can she just follow you to your next destination? How much risk is she taking continuing a relationship with you.

I know you didn't ask these questions....however after a year, I would want my significant other to be really invested in our relationship. If he treats it like a casual relationship.... am I wasting my time? I don't think it sounds like your relationship is at a complete intimate level where trust isn't an issue. IMO it takes years, and both people need to work on it. If she is insecure... it's your problem too because you care about her.

What if she had to go on a business trip with a boss you knew had eyes for her. She's going to go because, she says she can handle the situation. Wouldn't you need her to give you some sort of comforting guarentee? (I know not the same situation but the feeling may be the same)

Anyway... are you growing together or are you growning apart.... there isn't a middle ground.

quote:

Originally posted by LaurieDorey:

"Relax people" really reads hostile to me. Perhaps it is not intended that way, but it totally makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up - like, who the hel are you to tell me what to do? which ironically seemed to be the tone of this thread.

Not telling you what to do. As I stated, I think this just got blown out of proportion. Relax was meant to read, stress is not good for any of us. Lets not take things so personally.
I see your point about feeling protective.
I have become a mellow person. In my life I have come to the point where I might get steamed about something, but then think, "Is it really worth my energy?" It took a long time to get to this point, but its a much better way to live. Much healthier for the heart too.
Has anyone ever read or heard of the book, "Don't sweat the small stuff. And it's all small stuff." I read it and took it seriously.
That's all. No harm intended, really. Just want everyone to get along, that's all.

Tessmit:

Thank you! Now there is something I can think about. Many things, as a matter of fact.

To answer a few of the questions:

quote:

My BF wants to go biking with a woman he met on a forum.
(I keep hearing how relationships start up like this. He says its just a bike ride... maybe it is. I guess I should trust him. He's a bit angry.)

I never got angry with her. I just sort of looked at her in a confused manner. She said "Stop looking at me like I am weird."

quote:

He's almost done with his apprenticeship and thinks about moving out west.
(Wow, is he considering taking me? Does he know how this will affect my son? He's 4 and hasn't started school yet so moving wouldn't be too much of a problem. We talked about the possiblity of being together but.... there's no ring on my finger. Just how invested in this relationship is he?)

We've talked about it a few times. I want her to move out there with me, and she would like to, but there are family obligations to consider. Her son has started school (kindergarten). I am not sure how he would deal with it. I guess it would be difficult at first, like a move always is, but if it was a good neighbourhood, he would make friends easily enough.

Re: the apprenticeship - I still have a long ways to go on that - another 3+ years.

How invested am I in the relationship? More so than I have ever been with any other woman. WAY more. The ring? Well, that will take some time yet. I think we will need to live together first. I believe she feels the same way. See how the family dynamic plays out.

quote:

He says he's going and I have to deal with it.
(ok... he's asking me to trust him. I made a bad choice in trusting someone in the past and I got burned. We are not formally engaged. He's just a BF... and MaYbe we'll be together. We've invested a year in this relationship.....if he's not serious about me.... he's taking the opportunity for someone else to love me entirely.)

Point taken. Although I didn't up and say she would have to deal with it, I guess I did imply it.

It is an awkward situation, in some ways. I mentioned living together, but her place is too small for all three of us. Renovations can only do so much on a house that old. She won't move back into an apartment, after living in a house - nor do I blame her. We debate what to do with her house. Buying another house is not option right now, as neither one of us wants to be house poor, and the real estate market is crazy around here.

quote:

I know you didn't ask these questions....however after a year, I would want my significant other to be really invested in our relationship. If he treats it like a casual relationship.... am I wasting my time? I don't think it sounds like your relationship is at a complete intimate level where trust isn't an issue. IMO it takes years, and both people need to work on it. If she is insecure... it's your problem too because you care about her.

I think that both of us sometimes treat it like a casual relationship. We've both been stung in the past (well, who hasn't?), and while we both want to move forward, we are at an impasse. Some decisions will need to be made.

quote:

What if she had to go on a business trip with a boss you knew had eyes for her. She's going to go because, she says she can handle the situation. Wouldn't you need her to give you some sort of comforting guarentee? (I know not the same situation but the feeling may be the same)

I may have some qualms about it, but if she wasn't strong enough to resist advances from a boss (or whomever), then maybe we would be better off apart. Would I need some comforting guarantee? No, not really. I believe I know her well enough to know that she would not cheat on me.

Thanks, Counsellor Tessmit, for giving me some food for thought. I very much appreciate your analysis of the situation.

Cheers

flatlander