So, here is my big question...I am looking for advice. I had been dating this guy for about 5 months. He is really nice, kind, and thoughtful and I usually have a good time when I am with him. Well, I broke up with him for about a month becasue things were moving too fast for me. He was talking about marriage and kids. I want that someday it just was kind of quick for me....not to mention that I have never had a man say those things to me before. (Can you guess that I have had some REAL HEALTHY relationships?!)
Well, we are back together now. But I don't feel that sense of excitement that I always felt before in past relationships. But I know that they weren't healthy relationships. So, am I settling, or is this what it feels like sometimes to be in a healthy, stable relationship...it just is. I know he is there for me and my son. I know that I can count on him (which I have a hard time doing, I have been doing this all by myself for a long time now).
How do you know when it is "the right one"? Any help sorting through this mess would be great...

Sorry for the big pics...I am trying to figure this whole pic things out!

Trisha,

I don't know how to tell if you have the "right one". I will tell you something a counselor told me when I was leaving an abusive relationship.

You know that feeling you get when you meet a new guy. The butterflies, and excitement. Imagine that feeling. Now think about walking in a dark alley alone at night, and you think you hear footsteps behind you. What feeling do you get? Same, or VERY close?

She told me that what I was feeling was not excitement, but fear. Somewhere inside I knew that this was no good.

Her advice: If there are 150 men in a room and there is one that you could never see yourself with - you feel nothing, nada - except warmth and compasion like a friend or brother. That is the man for you.

I tried it. My marraige lasted 15 great years. And we did not split because of ANY abuse issues. We just drifted, woke up one day and realized we were headed in two different directions. I wanted a full time husband, and he wanted a part-time wife, and to regain his youth. We split and have no hard feelings because we talked about it and realized that there was just no compromise.

Don't know if it helps. . .

I just noticed your from WI too Enjoy the sun this weekend - They say almost 50!! We also both have a sun in our little icon thing - must say something about this state...LOL

I think you sound way too "blah" about the whole thing for it to be the right one.... (course this is over the internet and just a guess on my end really)

Seriously though, you can get comfort and friendship from, well, a friend. I think life-long love/partnership is something much more than that. I think you compliment one another, differences are seen as positives and not downfalls. I don't think you should be all googly eyed and butterflied all the time, but there is a deep down sense of this other person being a true partner you want to walk through life with, as yourselves but together.

Hi Trish,I would say follow your gut instincts. I recently had an experience where after a reasonable period of dating I spent a night with a lady. The next morning I was left with only the feeling that it was 'allright'. By the time she left to go home I felt relieved. I of course realised that something was wrong-I should be walking on the moon, and wisping around with butterflies in the stomache.

quote:

Originally posted by Ricky:
[qb] Hi Trish,I would say follow your gut instincts. I recently had an experience where after a reasonable period of dating I spent a night with a lady. The next morning I was left with only the feeling that it was 'allright'. By the time she left to go home I felt relieved. I of course realised that something was wrong-I should be walking on the moon, and wisping around with butterflies in the stomache. [/qb]

hmmm, moonwalks and butterflys. If you didn't have them before you stayed the night with this woman, I would wonder why you would think her being there for the night would change that. The main problem I see is we are numb from what happend in our last relationships, so love will be totally different this time, and hopfully more endearing. I think it will be more a longing to see this special someone when they are gone. the peace you feel when they are there, and maybe the smile their presence puts on your face. I almost think "butterflys" are reserved for young love, corse I could be wrong.

I agree with what Paul and SueP said. I was in a relationship you described for about 6 months, but there was no sense of desire to be with him on my part. I could take it or leave it. He would have been a good friend, but I did not "love" him. Unfortunately, when I decided that I did not want to continue a dating to marriage relationship, because I didn't love him, he would not, still does not, accept it and it's been about 5 months since I ended it, so now we can't even be friends. We work together and I think that is making it difficult for him to move on. Kind of got off track here, but wanted to give you some of my personal experience since your situation sounded similar.

ack, rule number one, NEVER date someone for where you work. If it doesn't work out it causes complications.

Yeah, I learned that lesson from this situation, Paul. I have resolved never to date someone I work with. That's what makes it difficult to meet people. My life consists of work and home and home is centered around the kids.

This sounds so similar to me to what I have been pondering for months. I have liked a lot of men. I have had the butterflies where it was pure excitement....I really do not think it is fear but true excitement. Sometimes that excitement went away. Two times it stayed and I felt it everyday that I was with that person. One was witht he girl's dad...bad relationship but I ended up with two great kids. One was with my best friend's brother-in-law. We dated for four months after knowing each other for two years. We ended up breaking up because I knew he was young and needed to mature a little before we could work. We are still friends and he is a great guy. I still care about him.

Point being........there is a man now that has butterflies for me when I don't for him. He seems like a brother to me. I do believe butterflies can happen again and I am waiting for it. I want the friend, I want the stability, but I want the excitement too. I am willing to wait to get it. I am in no hurry to get married. I don't need "help." So I can wait to get the best not just what seems like a good thing.

Just my opinion....I am very glad this topic came up.

You know, I think about the "butterflies" that I have had in relationships, and they have all ended up being bad ones...cheating, verbal abuse... and I have never had a good, true relationship with a man. I have ended up being friends with almlost all of my exs, even the ones that cheated on me....I know, I have some self confidence issues to work out.
I just wonder if my expectations are too "Hollywood". You know the perfect relationship....I just read Dr. Phil's book, Love Smart, and he talks about the 80% man. The man that meets basically 80% of what you want in a relationship. I listed all the qualities, and he meets most of them. So, he would be my 80% man.
This all so much harder having a child...because I need to be with someone that is good for him as well. NOt just good for me.
So, for me, are the butterflies always going to be the sign of a bad relationship, are my expectaions too high....or am I allowing my past relationships to interfere with this one....I just don't know.
He is big into numbers, he's a banker, me, I hate numbers....bills, gas mileage...whatever...so will we compliment each other or will this be a source for fighting.... am I too busy trying to tell myself that this work, that am ruining it, or is that my gut talking....but how do you listen to your gut when it has led you in the wrong direction every time????
Okay, I am rambling...a little lost, can you tell? LOL
Thanks for all your support and input. IT really helps to get different perspectives!

On My Feet,
Yes, it was a beautiful weekend...that I basically missed because we went to Treasure Island in Wisconsin Dells...had a blast, and now today, it is cloudy and windy...blah!!!
I want SPring!!!!!
LOL
Do you think that the suns represent our hopefullness to see it

We all want spring, new love blooms there in. :cupid:

Hi Trisha,

I agree that you should go with your gut feeling about this guy.

Only judging by what I read, it sounds to me as if you are reaching for an excuse to like him just because he is a nice guy.

I have loved...and lost...the "right" one. We dated for 13 years and have been broken up for about 4 years now. We are still best friends, occasionally it becomes a "friendship with benefits" situation but I can say that he is still the only man that makes my entire being come alive.

It is great to have the comfort and security that a nice guy can bring, but you can find that in a friend. There has to be a natural chemistry there too, one that comes from within and makes you feel good about yourself and the relationship.

Good luck with your decision. I hope that whatever your choice is that it works out for you the right way.

I think that trying to re-enter the relationship scene and learning to trust again is probably the scariest thing that we as single parents have to face.

Deb