I have been separated and recently divorce for 4 months. I recently started going out again, socially and romantically. I find I am picking at everything. I don't like his car. He self absorbed. I don't like this or that. I am not shallow. I was hurt so desperately by X, I have some serious trust issues.

The weird thing is, I went out with a good friend I hadn't seen in 8 years. Since my wedding actually. We have seen each other 5 times in two weeks. I have feelings for him, but don't know what they are. It seems to much to fast. He is sweet, funny, cute, succesful, charming, and so much more.

I guess my point is, how do I figure all this out? I was married form 19-28. I feel so confused, sad, happy, scared, untrusting, excited, and many other feelings all at the same time.

Is it to early for me to date? Am I crazy?

My advice to you would be to slow down and take baby steps. You need to work thru your issues from the ending of your last relationship. It is to early (my oppinion) for you to be looking at a relationship, and it is know wonder that you're confused. It is fine to go out and spend time with this person, but I would avoid being intimate, because it is hard to do that and not let emotions get involved. If he cares about you and he is a good person he will be patient. I wish I had better answers for you, the advice I offer is from learning from my own mistakes. I also wish you the best of luck. And want towelcome you to SFV. :welcome:

I agree with Dali, slow down a bit. If it is meant to be it will happen and he will work at your pace. I had something similiar happen to me and really loused things up because I had not resolved old issues. If I had taken things a bit slower and had my feet firmly planted in place I probably would be on the forum right now. If he can be your friend and help you through this time, great and maybe something lasting will come of it. I do think being intimate right now if you really like the guy would be a mistake. That opens up a whole new Pandora's box.

I agree w/both scoutmom and Dail. Take baby steps. I know after I broke up w/an X from 3yrs ago I went thru a stage of misturt and hatard. I got intimate w/a few guys and regreted it completly. My feelings got invovoled w/a couple and I ended up hurt b/c of my issues. If that makes any sense to you.

You know what my recent X I just went for it and got very involved w/him. Let him move in b/c I thought I was ready for a new serious relationship after 2.5yrs. Guess what I was wrong. I had issues to deal w/still. Not that i'm saying its going to take you that long but take your time. Right now I'm pregnate and don't plan on dating. If it comes to me I may consider it but I'm not looking for it. I just want time to get to know me all over again and know what I want not what a man wants from me. Be strong and have a clear mind when you enter a new relationship. It will make it stronger I feel. In your case you have been married for 8yrs you need to know you again. I was told once on this board that you need to have a love affiar w/yourself b4 you can have one with another persoon. I'm taking this time to do just that so I don't end up getting hurt or hurting a guy that does not deserve it.

Your friend will understand if he really cares about you.

I wish you the best of luck and remember there will be guys out there waiting for you when you are ready.

SPIRIT

From a man's point of view, I have to agree with the last three. (hey that rhymed). And also ad that finding fault with, and picking at everything shows you are not ready. Its not that they have faults, its you looking for and/or inventing reasons not to get serious. Don't get me wrong, I am by no means blaming you, I just know how it is, been there done that. I feel it part of who we are. So slow down, get a grip on yourself, and relax. If it comes, you will know when to trust and let your guard down. And remember, there isn't a boogy man around every corner.

Ditto. I can't really add much more. Take a deep breath and breathe. You will be okay.

The funny thing is I know what all you are saying is right, yet I feel totally out of control. At one moment I can't stop obsessing over this guy and the next I am finding huge faults in him. I have never acted this way before. We have already been intimate. I am soooooooo not like that. What the heck is wrong with me? I don't think he even wants a relationship. He just got out of a nine year relationship (never married or had kids). I can only see this ending badly, yet I keep going back. It is like I am poisening myself. Maybe I need conseling. In the mean time I have know idea what to do? Honestly, in aformer pre-divorce life I wasn't this crazy. I am not close to anyone who has gone through a divorce like mine. I really appreciate your support.

Hey alim,
Don't be so hard on yourself. You don't have to get into it but I wonder how many guys you dated before you got married? You could be going through a delayed sowing oats period. Happens alot to people who marry young. If you feel you have to be intimate with this guy, for the comfort, and so on I can understand that. You did your growing up as a wife and now you have lost that identity and this is one way to fill the void. Just try to understand why you are doing something first and you are at less of a risk at being hurt. Believe me after the first really bad post-breakup experience the brakes will come on. Counseling rarely hurts so if you are really bothered with this I would see someone.
Anyway most of us have been there and we can tell you what we all think you should do but in the end you usually end up learning through experience.
Hugs,

I went out with him tonight. I can tell he regrets getting involved with me. I think I was used. It hurts, but I knew in my heart it would happen. My X really did a number on me. I wonder when I will feel whole again. I dated a few guys before I married, but I was with my X since my senior year in high school. I know I need alot more time before even dating. I never knew how devistated I was before tonight. My X had a substance abuse problem, and not only did I lose him, but I lost my house and security. I was a stay at home mom of a special needs child. I couldn't finish school and couldn't work. Now I am struggeling day to day to make ends meet, go to school, work, and still make time for my son. I think I wanted comfort, but all I got was more grief and guilt. I need to look with in.

quote:

Originally posted by alim4547:
[qb] I have been separated and recently divorce for 4 months. I recently started going out again, socially and romantically. I find I am picking at everything. I don't like his car. He self absorbed. I don't like this or that. I am not shallow. I was hurt so desperately by X, I have some serious trust issues.

The weird thing is, I went out with a good friend I hadn't seen in 8 years. Since my wedding actually. We have seen each other 5 times in two weeks. I have feelings for him, but don't know what they are. It seems to much to fast. He is sweet, funny, cute, succesful, charming, and so much more.

I guess my point is, how do I figure all this out? I was married form 19-28. I feel so confused, sad, happy, scared, untrusting, excited, and many other feelings all at the same time.

Is it to early for me to date? Am I crazy? [/qb]

hi there them feelings normal hun enjoy them

Alim, going to therapy or counseling is a great idea. And I agree with what others have said about not beating yourself up. So this was a mistake, big deal, we all make them, you will get thru it and learn from it. Just try to take any future relationships slow. I know first hand how much people miss intimacy, but you have to learn that unless there are mutual feelings of respect and caring then it just becomes s** and one or both people will get hurt. The feelings you are having are very easy for other people to take advantage of (not saying he did)and you need to protect yourself from that by being patient and seeing if they are willing to do the same. Things will get better.

I had a good cry last night and feel much saner. I do know that I need to take it slow. I have so many new adjustments in life to make. I don't need to complicate things with a man.

First Welcome to the site!

And I agree with all the above on taking it slow and let yourself heal. Hope things get better!


Amy

Your from las vegas? I love it there. Would never live there but try to go at least once a year. One of my friends went thru a similar situation that your going thru. She was on the rebound and got involved with this guy for over six months and they ended up hateing each other. After a nine year marrage I would seriously take at least a year off from dateing anyone. First to get adjusted to your new way of life and get settled. Adding another variable to a chaotic situation doesnt help the equasion at all.

don't take the stand that a man will complicate your life, if you do, you will start to paint us all with the same broad brush. then instead of looking for the goodness and kindess that can be there, you will always be looking for the negative, and find yourself in numerous short term relationships. make your adjustments, take it slow, seek a freind first and let it be know that a friend is all you need right now. there are men out there (me included) that would make a great friend, not strings attached.