Hi everyone I am new to this website and needed some direction and insight here. So my current girlfriend and I have been friends for a few years (10+) and we recently decided to start dating seriously. Now she has a wonderful 2 1/2 year old daughter who I adore as well. But now that the "honey moon" has ended and everyday to day life is starting to set in I realize now that it is going to be take some effort on my part, but I am more than willing to take that leap. I was just hoping to get some insight on dating a single mother. I know that I will be second in her life and I have no problems accepting it. It is just that her daughter can be draining on her and when we she is finally away from her she just wants to rest and just wants her lone time. I don't want to be too asking of her time and I want to give her space as well, but does anyone have any tips for dating a single mom? I can really use some advice and direction. Thanks all.

The only advice I can give is to take your cues from her. There's only so much physical contact a person can have with other people. Being a mom can be very draining and I'm sure she would enjoy a little help from time to time. Offer to pick up some groceries for her from time to time when she says she needs to go to the store. Help her fold some laundry, basically just about anything to help out with the daily grind.

I know this doesn't sound very romantic but when I was with my ex I never loved him more than when he was taking care of our son. When Alex would get up in the middle of the night sick, sometimes his father got up with me and held our son while I was cleaning up whatever mess his sickness caused. I never loved him more than when I saw them together like that.

I cant speak for your girlfriend, but I can tell you a little about my perspective. The most important thing to a single mom is that her SO treat her child as well as they would treat their own child. Now, if you dont have kids, it's hard to explain what that means. But you should follow her lead when it comes to the child and recognize that a 2 1/2 year old is draining. period. That isn't anything unusual at all.

I personally would like anyone in my life to want to be around not just me but my child. While it is important for the two of you to get some adult time, it is important that you are comfortable spending the day at the park or zoo or whatever. That this is something that you can enjoy and she doesn't feel like she has to give up being a mother to spend time with you.

If you two had met and gotten together before she had the child and then had a child together, the two of you would likely be totally revolving around the child right now. It's not that I expect you to do that, but it may help you to gain some perspective on how she sees the child. The child HAS to be her priority, and you being an important part of her life will mean that you are supportive of whatever she needs to do to make that happen. Being a part of her life shouldn't mean that you are "asking of her time" it should mean that you are adding a wonderful supportive person to her hectic life.

I hope that helps.

Well lately she has been wanting her time to do her thing while she is away from her child b/c she is a very independent person. So I try to giver her as much space as I can as well. Problem is... well we started off very physical and things developed from there... and I find yeah I want her (physically) but I want her emotionally as well. So I am willing to give her whatever I can for her...it is just hard b/c things change from one thing to another. I do not want to pressure her b/c she is under a lot of stress from work and sometimes the father. I just do not feel that b/c I am the new man in her life I have no right to tell her yeah it has been a week since we made love... I just feel it is more important to be there for her more than anything else. Maybe I am rambling but I need some guidance.

So for me I did not realize that once the "little one" is gone to see daddy that she just wants to do her thing without me. I am just flattered that she still wants to see me... I am just terrified of crowding her. She rarely asks to see me... she just says I am always welcome. I want to be intimate with her but I want to support her more than anything else... if it means having her in my life 1 year, 5 years, 10 years... etc. I will find whatever means I can to keep her.

She is so independent that she does not ask for help... but every so often when I say I am coming by I ask do you need anything... and she has gone from no to... a few things here and there. So I think that so long as I give little by little I can find a way in her heart that she will depend on me more and more. Is this making sense?

I think you can only be there for her. We women are hard to figure out. Even we dont always know what we want. It sounds like you are being as supportive as you can. Just be genuine about your feelings and act toward her and her child in an honorable way.

Ending up a single parent is a good way to make you self sufficient and teaches you that you shouldn't be too dependent on anyone. She's probably just defending herself from the possibility that you will not always be there. That's not all bad. After all, she has more than her own heart to look after.

quote:

She's probably just defending herself from the possibility that you will not always be there. That's not all bad. After all, she has more than her own heart to look after

This is great insight!! I'm a hugely independent person and it's hard for me to accept help from anybody unless it comes down tomy kids really needing something. I did my dirt while I was still really young and dumb enough to get away with it. I'm now so terrified of getting hurt that I don't even want to date. I'd rather just have the wham-bam-thank you ma'am.

I think it's wonderful that you care so much for this woman. There's one thing missing here though. When does she have to give make an effort for your relationship to work? I commend you for all you're are doing but this relationship sounds a bit one sided to me.

It does seem a bit one sided, but she gives me plenty. I have just not focused on it while talking about it. After her divorce she went through hell... I guess I did not realize that I just wanted her to rely on me. She does not need to... I should be flattered and honored that she has chosen to make room for me in her and her childs life.

I've always said it's better to be wanted than needed.

I never realized dating a extremely independent single mother would be so complex... but I am willing to make the effort. The good thing is we have a base to work off of. We have been friends for 10+ years so that works. I just hope this lasts... she means more to me than I realized. I have been attracted to her for years, but I never realized that it would be this intense... I have never felt anything like this... so I have been (sad to say) sacred... is that normal too?

Schnepe,
I have seen this situation from the other side, and I think I understand her completely.
At some point of single motherhood a woman learns to be completely satsified without a man. Believe it or not, physical love is very probably not so important for many women, and all the rest can be mastered as well. Companionship...you learn to love the independence and the peace when you're alone with yourself. You learn that it's just the best, when you can take a bath or read, and no one will make you feel like you should be sociable after a day's work. I know it sounds sick and it probably is ..a little...but this is how a single woman can master her life AND be happy with it.
Basically, you have disturbed the balance.
You are giving her a lot, but she learned to master and love life even without those things..they're EXTRAs for her today.
She may not see what she wins, she may primarily be aware of what she looses...and that's independence, rest, peace.
I know I am being horrible and mean. But I think, even though your love might be reciprocated, she may not be ready to give up what she has gained as a single mother.

What should you do....?
Give her time. It takes years to become a family.
mho

Speak for yourself on the "physical love" part....lol.

quote:

Originally posted by BASICALLYAMY:
Speak for yourself on the "physical love" part....lol.

quote:

Originally posted by Dew:
Schnepe,
I have seen this situation from the other side, and I think I understand her completely.
At some point of single motherhood a woman learns to be completely satsified without a man. Believe it or not, physical love is very probably not so important for many women, and all the rest can be mastered as well. Companionship...you learn to love the independence and the peace when you're alone with yourself. You learn that it's just the best, when you can take a bath or read, and no one will make you feel like you should be sociable after a day's work. I know it sounds sick and it probably is ..a little...but this is how a single woman can master her life AND be happy with it.
Basically, you have disturbed the balance.
You are giving her a lot, but she learned to master and love life even without those things..they're EXTRAs for her today.
She may not see what she wins, she may primarily be aware of what she looses...and that's independence, rest, peace.
I know I am being horrible and mean. But I think, even though your love might be reciprocated, she may not be ready to give up what she has gained as a single mother.

What should you do....?
Give her time. It takes years to become a family.
mho

I totally understand you... I really do and I would not say you are being sick I would prefer brutal honesty. In fact I have noticed that things have changed and I decided that I am going to give her, her time to do what she wants when she can. I am the new person in her life (old friend or not) so I should respect her wants and needs. The good thing is that she does reciprocate not as often as I do... but she shows me and I am fine with it. I figure just give her her space when she needs it and she will respect me for it and I will find that place in heart.

Dew, I think that you hit the nail on the head.

Hey Schnepe, i gotta say this girl is pretty lucky. If it doesn't work out my address is...LOL