I'm a single Dad of two boys,12 and 6, and I have just began dating Patty. She has accepted my situation naturally and unconditionally, but my kids......
They have reacted so nastily and they've been doing strange things to call my attention and bother her, too. I have no idea on how to handle the situation. I've told them I also want to be happy and to give her a chance as a friend of ours, but they just don't seem to care. She's been too patient and tolerant, but i'm afraid she might not go any further if this situation goes on.
Can anybody give me some advises on how to speak to my kids, and what to tell them.Thanks.

Hi, I can understand your problem, but do not have any easy solutions. The thing that worked best for me was to keep them seperated until you have developed a more stable relationship with your girl. Arange for a babysitter or go on dates when the kids are with their mother or another relative. It is hard to do sometimes, but you do deserve to be happy. They also deserve the time they need to adjust to the situation. This will also prevent them from having to adjust to many different people, as you move from one relationship to another. As they get used to the idea of you seeing someone else it will get easier for you all. Good luck and try to be patient, but don't let them do anything mean to the women in your life either. Only time will help them deal with it.

Rafael,

How long did you wait before introducing Patty? I have no idea what your situation is with respect to the break down of your marriage and your custody arrangements but my guess is your boys are reacting out of protectiveness for their mom and probably possessiveness of you (through all of this remember THEY LOVE YOU -- and they don't know Patty from a hole in the ground). They may also be testing Patty to see if she will like them even they are little sh@$#.

I have not been in your shoes (still pretty newly divorced) but from what I have read it's a good idea to go real slow with introducing new people into your children's lives. As for talking to the boys...reassure them that your love for them and your commitment to their well being will remain unchanged no matter who comes into your (collective) lives. Do this every day if you have to (actions often speak louder than words).

I'm sure there are some good books on the market about this situation. Check out Indigo books online or Chapters and see what you can find -- if you can't afford to buy then search the titles out that interest you at your local library. Also, if you have a community centre they may have resources you can access that will help.

You may want to consider that you are still pretty much the centre of your children's universes and their reactions are likely linked to feeling like their security is at stake (even if that is not the case). Be kind and patient. You can't make your kids like your new girlfriend but if you take it slow and continue to show them how important they are to you I would be surprised if they didn't let their guards down eventually (the acting out is basically a defense mechanism against letting anyone get close that might be in a position to hurt them).

It also sounds like Patty has the right idea. If she treats them with respect the chances are they will return that treatment (albeit in the fashion of prepubescent boys).

Good luck and remember even if your kids are being a pain in the proverbial they love you like no one else.

Marni