I am 27 and have been in a relationship now with a guy (age 34) for the last 4 months. Things were going great until the reality that I have a 3-year old boy really hit him hard. He has pulled back and doesn't know if this "lifestyle" is something he is ready for. I guess I thought, by choosing someone older, that he would be more ready. He has even said that he wants his own children sometime soon, before he gets to be too old. So, I'm thinking....what's the problem? He was married for 6 years, so I know he can commit at least somewhat. It's just this "new lifestyle"---he is so used to being able to do whatever he wants to do in the evenings/on weekends. It isn't always a fun evening when you have a tantruming child who needs to be disciplined....or he won't go to bed.....or he gets up at night....whatever.
Sometimes I wonder if this is just too hard! I would love to have a relationship, but this is the second time I've been with someone who (1) knew the situation going into it, (2) talked as if we would spend the rest of our lives together, and then (3) FREAKED OUT about it. This just doesn't look good. Any suggestions? Can anyone else relate to this????

If they can't accept your life for what it is, then they are definitely the wrong person for you. We all want to be with someone and unfortunately we tend to hold onto whatever it is we have because we don't want to be alone (not good). I keep telling myself as others also tell me, that when the right one !?! comes along we will now. Raising children is not easy, so you definitley want someone that can handle all there is to go with it. Good luck to you.

I wish I had some advice. I've had this exact same thing happen.

I was dating a guy at the beginning of the year. We hit it off, or seemed to, and he was well aware that I have a child. The previous year he had dated a divorced woman with four children, so he didn't seem very afraid of it.

We're both 36. He talked a lot about the future, called me his soulmate, blah blah blah. Then one day he suddenly dropped the news on me that he'd been dating someone else at the same time and was gravitating toward her because she was "free like him." (i.e., never married, no kids)

That was the last time I dated anyone. It may sound like sour grapes - maybe it is - but I find it easier to *not* date and instead focus on being a mom.

Maybe down the road when I retire and my daughter is grown up and has a life of her own... who knows. But right now, in all honesty, dating sucks.

It works out for some people - more power to them. But I for one am tired of investing my emotions in things that don't go anywhere. I think the people of my parents' generation were much better at relationships and much more willing to stick things out.

Four months is a real short time for getting used to the responsabilities and the emotional commitment needed to be a father, it takes time when it's a kid of your own,(nine months of pregnancy!) it's much harder when it's not your biological son...

after four months you have only just started to get to know each other and to bond as a couple, maybe you should make it easier for him, right now concentrate on building and strenghtening your relationship with this man, before involving him in all the practical and more stressful aspects of being a parent

If he has showed interest at the start and he wasn't put out by the fact u have a kid, but now it's backing up,it might mean he just needs to take one step at a time...

... and u sound a bit tired too, from the stage your child is going trough, try and do something relaxing for yourself, take sometime off, it might help the whole situation get better
GOOD LUCK!

age has nothing to do with it. If they have never had children, then they assume you want a daddy for the child and some one to take care of them. try to find a man (Like myself) that has children already. I have two with me and I have ran into the same problem with women.
Good Luck
God bless

Well, sounds like this is a common dilemma. My boyfriend of almost 6 months now is a little slow to jump on the "kid wagon" also. Don't get me wrong, he's great with my 3 kids, he really cares about them and vise versa. He was married before to a woman with 3 kids, (none of his own)and when they became teenagers they really caused problems that has sort of turned him off kids of that age. He frequently refers to our future, like where we'd retire, living under the same roof, etc... So I know we will be together someday, but I have a feeling it will be years down the road when the kids are not so "needy" and more independant. He's jokingly mentioned marriage "when the kids are in their teens".. that's as soon as 1 year for my oldest, but as far away as 10 years for my youngest. How long could I be expected to wait, I mean no matter how much I love him, I refuse to be a lifetime girlfriend. We've decided to set an example by him not ever spending the night when the kids are home, only when they are on visitation weekends with their father, so living together sort of goes against the example we were trying to stick with. I have no doubt we will be together but its the WHEN that's driving me nuts!! One night a week and every other weekend is a little hard to get a relationship moving in a more permanent status. These are our "no kid" times, other than that, we do "kid stuff". Guess I'd just like to get some support for sticking it out?! Any suggestions? Thanks!

I am in the same boat as you. My boyfriend is 10 years younger than me and has no children of his own. We have been together for approx a year 1/2, see one another as often as we can, he also doesn't really sleep over my house unless my girls are with their dad. We once and a while all go out together but, basically it is just him and me(girls are with friends and dad on weekends). I also don't want to be a lifelong girlfriend, but don't think he can handle the instant family. I guess you should be willing to wait for someone you really love, but should we sacrifice the things that we really need? I just don't know. Well good luck to us both.

I sure appreciate everyone's input. It helps to know there are so many others out there in the same situation. Sometimes I feel so frustrated and alone in this!

My boyfriend is still hanging in there, but the atmosphere has changed. There is so much "reality" now. No more "I want to have children with you and spend the rest of our lives together." It's: "I am going to stay home tonight and paint my room."

Now he stays away in the evenings when my son is still up and will come over after he is in bed (when I'm ready to sleep!) So now I'm tired because I am trying to stay up later so I can spend time with my boyfriend. I just want to be able to spend time with both of them at the same time. I don't like to live these "two lives." One with a child and one without. You know? I want my boyfriend there at dinner time and to play outside with me and my son and to go to the grocery store...all those everyday things that are so much more enjoyable when you are with a good companion. But some days I wonder if this will ever happen.

I know it takes time for relationships to grow. We have only been together 5 months. But I feel so "split" inside. Sometimes I even resent having my son because it prevents me from being happy in a relationship. Isn't that terrible? And then other times I resent my boyfriend because he can't seem to be happy with my son. He says he is trying to "accept" that I have my son and that I can't give my boyfriend all the attention he needs. Yikes! What's a girl to do?

Farrah,

I can totally relate. I am glad in a way that there are others like me as well. I am living two totally different lives too! I would love for them to come together. It is so hard when you care about someone so much and you have such a great relationship but, still have so many important things missing. You would think we could find a happy medium!?! Does this mean we are with the wrong people or do they just need time to ease into this kind of relationship? Most of it is fright on their part, the thinking like I said, that we need someone to take care of our lives? What most people don't know is that we as single parents, even through all the battles of single parenting, really do have everything more under control than the average two parent marriage.

Halleluah!!! I am not alone! Boy, you are not kidding about having to live two lives, and yes I have often chastised myself for feeling like "if I didn't have these 3 kids, we would be together"...duh, slap myself in the face, I wouldn't really ever give my kids up for any man!!
I've been with my boyfriend since April, and sure if he asked me to marry him tomorrow I would, but I know that's not gonna happen for a long time, but you know, I'm really okay with it. So we have one night a week and every other weekend alone, then once a week he comes and takes the "Family" out to dinner, spends a friday night disney movie night with me & the kids. So, I really have no right to complain. My biggest gripe is that my kids father will only see his kids when HIS social life permits... he won't take the kids for a week so I can go on a vacation without them, but he can hop on a plane any darn time he wants to... I thought joint custody meant equal time? I have the kids 22 days a month and he only has them for 8 days? Florida's family law system is so "Father friendly" its not funny. Oh well, he's alone and I have a wonderful man in my life. Some justice after all!! HA HA!!

My ex is the same. Maybe (and I mean maybe) sees the girls about 4 hours a week. Rarely takes them for a night (when he does it's pick them up about 8-9pm one night and drop them off the next morning early). It is so pathetic. He just runs, runs, runs. My oldes resents him so much (15 year old) and afraid my little one (6) will soon feel the same. It sure is funny how they always have time for their own social life just no time for their children.

Isn't it though? I mean he can go to the gym (something he never did in 12 years) every other day after work, and so on, but can't pick a kid up from school? He only takes them as much as he does because he lives with his parents and according to my kids, they are with their grandparents most of that time. My oldest (almost 12) has no desire to go to her father's (she says, I'm with Grammy anyway), and the youngest doesn't understand why he can't go to Daddy's when he wants to. I have made it totally clear that he can have the kids stay with him whenever he wants to, but he wont' take them more than his stupid visitation form the state uses as a guideline. Always has been a selfish "ME" person, looks like that'll never change. Worst part is, he's not hurting me he's hurting his kids. Whatta guy....

I don't think they actually realize who they are hurting, very sad. My oldest ends up watching my youngest when they are at dads and he always when I need him to do something he always calls his mom. (he's 45) go figure.

Wow, I like this little bash the ex session. Relieves a lot of stress huh?

OOO, great concept, "bash the EX"... hehe..
Ex is taking my middle child out of town with him this weekend (eeek, on a plane!)to his brother's house, planned the trip without seeking my approval, got my daughter all excited so if I said no, I'd be the bad guy. Also knows how I felt about her taking Karate lessions, so he went and signed her up! I just smiled and said "its your time and money".. think that bothered him cuz I didn't show him I was pissed off. Gee....I could go on and on and on... I feel better already!! okay, your turn!!

I think right now I am mad at all men!?! I have got to a point where I am so fed up with all the bullsh*t. I think I just attract the wrong kind of men/guys wether it's in a relationship, friends, boss, Ugh!!! Sorry for the negativity but, needed to vent.

p.s. why don't you like karate?
My 6 year old takes Taekwondo and it has given her so much confidence, pride, stability, focus???