Hi - I'm new to this forum but not to single parenting. I've been a single (adoptive) mom by choice for over 7 years. I have my single parent friends who I usually rely on for advice and support but now I've come up against something they have no experience in. They're supportive but at a loss for advice beyond 'don't worry, it'll work out'. I'm hoping for a bit more practical advice!

My daughter is 9. Shortly after I came home with her I met a great man. We had a long distance relationship for two years before he called it off. She doesn't remember any of that though she did meet him a few times. He and I always kept in touch and slowly the emails and phone calls became more frequent. They really heated up this summer and we decided that we needed to see each other to see what was going on. He came to town for business and the deal was that he would sleep on the couch.

It was an amazing weekend and we're now back in a relationship. I had arranged for my daughter to go on sleepovers for part of it but she also got to spend time with him/us. She quite likes him. Now here's the problem. Our last night together he was slow going back to the couch (my fault - I just didn't want him to leave) and my daughter came into my room and saw us snuggling. Nothing more than that. But she is ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!

She doesn't want to share me and keeps trying to tell me that I can't see him or anyone else. She won't believe that my love for her is greater than my love for anyone else and isn't affected by this relationship. Basically the idea that I'm anything except 'her mom' is foreign to her and she rejects it. I try to tell her how happy it makes me and a happy mom is a better mom but she wants to be the only one to make me happy. I try to tell her that it really won't change her life (he lives far away and for the foreseeable future it will continue like that) but she throws a fit if she sees me texting him or emailing (phone calls tend to be after she's in bed). She stomps around yelling it's all unfair, no one cares about her etc. etc. etc.

If this relationship wasn't so important to me I'd just give up because it's really hard right now. She's trying to cause me as much pain as possible and it's working. I don't know what to say to her or what to do except bury my head in the sand and hope it gets better with time. AAAAAAAAH!

Sorry this is so long. Any suggestions?

KL

Your situation is a common one but tough to go through just the same. Sounds to me like your daughter was taken by surprise when she saw you snuggling with this person and just needs time to accept it. Keep talking to her and letting her know that it's ok for her to feel the way she is feeling and that you love her. Mom should have someone that makes her happy and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. Given time it will all work out. Just make sure to keep your communication with your daughter open and be honest with her.

Wow! This is a tough one. I have a 10 yr. old daughter who keeps asking me if I would love her no matter what. She too is afraid that I would love someone else more than her, however, she is more accepting of the situation. I'm not sure how I approached it to make her feel comfortable. I spend a lot of quality time with her and always let her know what's going on in my life (to a certain extent of course). My advice would be to keep talking to her, do stuff with her that you know will make her feel special and just focus on her. You did mention that she is your adoptive child and perhaps she has been abandoned in the past and all those feelings may be coming back to her and feels that you will do the same. Hopefully, with time (I know you didn't want to hear this) she'll come to realize how you are not going to abandon her for someone else.