I have been divorced now for almost 2 years and seperated for 5 years before that but still I cannot allow myself to trust another woman. Everyone tells me that I have to get on with my life and forget about the past, I can't do that. My past includes my 3 kids that I have 24/7. My ex keeps telling me to find someone new but how can I do that when she is constantly relying on me for everything except the physical connection in a relationship. Even though we are divorced we still have the children that bind us together. She cheated on me and got the divorce but yet she still thinks that even the child support that I pay her (go figure) is not enough and I should help her make a better life for herself while I sink deeper and deeper. She tells me that wants me to make a new life for myself but then pulls me right back down. To put it bluntly relationships **** and although I am lonely am going to remain single and lonely for the rest of my life while living up to the choices and responsibilities of my life. I guess you can say when it comes to love, I don't believe in it and choose to believe that for the rest of my life. Sorry to bring everyone down but I felt I needed to get that off my chest.

Hi, I am sorry you feel that way. I hope that you can find peace and be able to trust again. I have my days when I think I won't be able to trust a man, but I realize that nothing good can come of thinking that way. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I don't want my son to never know what it's like to have a father. Plus, I know that when I do meet that right guy and have a better quality of life because of his presence, I'll be a better mother. Plus I don't want my son to grow up thinking this world is horrible and there's no hope for happiness and love. I know you are hurting and for that I am sorry to hear. Maybe you should consider some therapy. I haven't been in a while but when I did go, it seemed to work wonders. Well, I hope you were just having a bad day and are feeling better. If you need to talk to someone, you can talk to me.

Amy

Welcome foreversingle, maybe

You never know what the future holds and faith is hope.....

You must of been in my house this weekend, I swear I told my daughter againnnnnnnnnnnn (14 yrs), "I think I'm going to be by myself forever". Let me tell you what prompted that. I saw a commercial with old, happy people in it, and the only thing that came out of my mouth is the thought of growing old alone. Marriage didn't work for me the first time around (no loss or grudges, it was best), but I still haven't given up hope. I know none of us are destined to live alone. I know it may seem so cliche' to keep saying, "Don't lose hope!", but don't. I've been hurt too many times in my past and when I think of how easy it could be to be in a non-healthy relationship if I choose to be....

less of a woman
triflin'
uneducated
allowed him to be married and still see him
didn't give two cents about my kids

I could go on and on.....My point is this, I could be sharing my life, bed, and time with someone if I chose to lose sight of who I am and what I stand for, hence, SETTLE FOR JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.....Do you and the kids a much needed favor, stop allowing the woman who cheated on you to have that much influence on your happiness (treat her like the mother of your children) Love is difficult to let go of, but remember YOU'RE BRUISED, NOT BROKEN...

Sorry, I mean too much to me, and my children are my world........

Don't lose faith!!!!!!

Very well put All4Mine!

Hello!

I had a similar problem... with me ex-wife, at least. Although she doesn't actively encourage me to move forward (romantically) with anybody, she *does* attempt to use the children (she has physical custody) to exerct control in my life. Like you, I felt frozen by the demands she made of me... often (it seemed) at her whim and convenience, making it easier for her to enjoy her free time. Please know that I'm not complaining about the time with my kids. I LOVE THAT TIME AND EMBRACE IT HAPPILY... it's a blessing, and I'll take anything I can get. But the annoyance factor tipped me a little. I get the kids at least 50% of the time (often more), but she has legal physical custody (I supposedly have less than 35% of time with them). I guess I felt cheated in some way... not with time, but in principle. Still, there was a solution: BOUNDARIES.

Until recently, I was not setting boundaries with my ex-wife, and she was walking all over me. Then, when I accepted that I AM A GOOD DAD, when I acknowledged that I am honest and fair and that my children truly love me, I felt empowered to set boundaries. I told her that she couldn't just change the schedule at the last minute... I needed "heads up" time, at least a day (barring a legit emergency). I told her not to leave voice mails telling me to "call back" but to instead leave a reason to call back that would inform me of her needs. I told her that my time is valuable... I wouldn't accept her running over ten minutes late without a phone call (she is notoriously late - often 30-45 minutes). I told her that she could not just "drop by" my home unannouned when the kids were with me... a timely phone call (not a voice message) was needed. I firmly stated that I would NOT accept demeaning tones of voice from her. I expressed boundaries that protect my privacy - she doesn't have the right to know every little detail of my life when I have the kids (she was asking who I spent time with, what I was doing, where I was, etc.). In short, I set firm boundaries.

Before I did this, I established that I HAD NOTHING TO HIDE. I am not ashamed of what I do with my children, or who I hang out with, or whatever. She can't use this against me. With that said, and knowing that everything I do with my kids comes from the best part of me, I realized that firm boundaries were not only necessary but important in whatever role-modeling I was doing for my kids. I wasn't a pushover for their mom but instead a CO-PARENT.

I believe there's hope for romance, love and future for all of us. I've had some rough times, but I realize (more and more) that many of the difficulties are of my own making. How can somebody else respect me if I don't respect myself? How can somebody else love me if I don't love myself? How can somebody else trust me if I don't trust myself? Proper boundaries and communication are outward reflections of my inner esteem. There's nothing wrong with setting non-manipulative boundaries. It's a matter of self-respect. AND... it's important for the children to know that I am a strong, loving, communicative parent who respects their mother enough to be direct with her.

These skills are viable for any future relationship I may have. If, God willing, I end up in another romantic relationship, I want to be a strong, loving man to a good, honest woman. I feel that qualities of self-respect and dignity are important in winning a good woman... especially if she is a mother and wants a good man around her children. My ability to set firm, honest, non-manipulative boundaries solidifies my inner strength in the world and makes me better able to achieve any hopes of serenity in my life.

It's working...

Best of luck!

I have been divorced/separated for 8 months now and feel like I would like to try dating....I am still hurt from my ex wife so I just would like to meet someone to go to a movie with or dinner...nothing serious....After being married for 18 years I dont know how to meet people anymore. I also feel to old.....I am 43 which isnt really that old but I feel old....... feeling lonely but better by the day. Where do I begin?

43 had better not be old, I'll be there before 2005 gets here

Welcome to the site Miles.

Don

[QUOTE]Originally posted by foreversingle:
My past includes my 3 kids that I have 24/7. My ex keeps telling me to find someone new but how can I do that when she is constantly relying on me for everything except the physical connection in a relationship. She cheated on me and got the divorce but yet she still thinks that even the child support that I pay her (go figure) is not enough and I should help her make a better life for herself while I sink deeper and deeper. She tells me that wants me to make a new life for myself but then pulls me right back down.

Foreversingle,

Let me get this straight....Your EX, cheats on you, divorces you, and leaves you with the kids, and still expects you to help her get on her feet???? After 5 years of seperation and 2 years of divorce??? Am I missin something?

What are you doing?

It's no wonder you feel like you do...STOP LETTING HER GUILT YOU. You have nothing to feel guilty about. She is ACTING all supportive about you getting someone else but is keeping you tied down so you can't. She is the one who destroyed the marriage and left. Why do you feel like you need to still help her? Why do you let yourself sink into the hole that she's still letting you dig. Is this Shame on her or Shame on you....?

Ever hear the saying, When someone hurts you once...shame on them. Hurts you twice...shame on you.

You will continue to feel this way about women until you help and focus on yourself. (You sound like you do focus on the kids already) Who is watching out for you? Don't you think that you deserve your own care?.....Well?

I suggest to you that you have a talk with your ex and tell her that you will no longer be giving her extra money....You said you have the kids 24/7.... so why are you paying her anyway?

I know we are all here to support eachother and believe me...I am supporting you here with some words I think you need to hear. In fact, if I was there I'd let you have it.. I want you to keep posting because you need to clear your mind. I think your mind is all fuzzy. Do you think she is coming back to you? Is that why you are letting your ex do these things?

You deserve everything to make you happy..but it comes with work. Why are you still working for her?

In response to thinker, on paper she is to have majority custody which is why I have to pay child support. I have talked to my lawyer many times about the fact that I have them why should I pay her and was told that as long as I want to see my kids as much as I want I have to pay the child support whether I have the kids or not. I know this is not fair and my lawyer says the same but says due to the laws of my state unless I can prove abuse by her she retains majority custody. As for everyones replies thank you for being there for me and everyone else around. Things have not changed though and I know that even alone I will continue to live on and be as happy as possible. Thanks again and maybe I will see ya'll later. Take care

You know I am divorced,and after the divorce up until things changed I had my kids all through the week I took careo f them while their father worked at the Airforce recruiters office nearby, and every other weekend and so on. So I had my kids allot.

Divorce can be a awesome change,a relief, a good thing. My divorce was a good thing.
I believe any divorce can be a learning experience. Good or Bad.
What you liked in your last partner that you would like in another partner. What you didn"t like and you just couldn"t tolerate about the ex partner.
And last but not least what is you can do to improve yourself? Eithier to find the partner you are looking for thats ideal for you, or changes with in yourself that you can improve on.

Every divorce has its bad points and its good.
Andlove comes to you in the most unexpected ways right now I would concentrate on myself and my kids.
I would also seek counseling. Counseling is a wonderfull thing, I did it myself for 5 years.

I have even thought about takingitup again since I am going through allot with my children being gone.

Not all relationships **** I think you need to do some soul searching and figure out who you are and what you want and that will help you find the partner that is best for you.

Best wishes hun! Whittney

A smile is contagious, try it sometime, maybe someone can lift your spirits with a smile.

Miles,

Start with a great big smile and that lady you were kicking yourself in the rump about that you saw and should have asked out, do it next time. She can either say yes or no but you are a winner either way, no regrets. GOOD LUCK!

Foreversingle.
Get a new lawyer. If you have the kids the majority of the time you could at least get your support lowered even if you don't get a custody change. Start documenting all the time you have your kids on a calendar. Your lawyer sounds like he is being lazy. You shouldn't have to pay support to someone who doesn't have the kids.

I hear you. The last person I tried dating was a friend of 8 years and I trusted him implicitly and sat around for almost 2 years wondering why I hadn't met his family or friends. Long story but in the end he had never broken up with a girl he had been dating for 8 years and had a few more girlfriends on the side.

Bottom line, it's completely understandable after being burned to not trust people. I applaud you for your honesty and think it's a good first step to just admit how you feel. Eventually you will have to decide whether or not it's worth trusting again because it could happen again. However, I'm sure you like me have learned a lot from your experience and when you reflect on what happened I'm guessing there were signs or red flags you ignored. Take comfort in knowing that the next time someone is cheating on you, you will not ignore the warning signs that were there the last time. Hopefully you believe in Karma and what comes around does go around....if you are a good person and treat people well, you will invite this type of person into your life. Good luck and if you ever want to talk about your situation, I've been there. I am terrified as well!