So my boyfriend and I have been trying to work things out lately and things have been going really well. It seems like he wants to spend time with our son and really is trying to be a father by coming to see him and spend time with him and buying him things that we need. SO tonight after a weeekend of him being with our son and me at my house he calls me and tells me that he wants me to drive with him to another state to visit his mother so that she can see our son this coming weekend. He says that I should do this for him and for our son because it is family and he comes and stays with my family each weeekend. Now mind you I live with my parents and I do because he moved out on me when our son was two weeks old and so I could no longer afford to live in our apartment any longer. I do not want to go and viist this woman while I was pregnant she told him numerous times that the baby was probably not his, that he should make me have an abortion, that I was trying to trap him into marriage and other lovely things. She has seen our son once since he has been born she lives in another state but often does business in our state. Yet she has never called once to see how he was or anything. When our son was born she was an hour away from the hospital and she never came even though she literally had to pass the hospital to go home. This woman HATES me but my boyfriend expects me to go and if I don't this is obviously going to cause serious problems in our relationship. He says that if I do not go then I am being selfish, that I want him to do things that are important to me involving my family but that I won't do the same for him. He says that I would be keeping our son from a relationship with his grandmother---if I could keep this woman out of his life forever it would not be long enough in my mind! Obviously I knew that if I were to be in a relationship with him then I would have to deal with this woman but I thought I would at least have the benefit of being on my own ground not on hers in another state. What should I do? DO I go on this trip and just bite my tongue the entire time or do I stay at home and hope that this is not going to forever hurt my relationship with him? And most importantly if I don't go am I really depriving my son from a relationship with this woman? I need advice and I am sure there has to be someone out there who has had to deal with a mother in law from hades! Thanks in advance

he does sound like the mother from **** but there are a lot of mothers out there like that who are protecting their sons from all other women. I think that if you want to make it work then you probably do need to go there and bite your tongue. She may have been waiting to see what was happening with her son and now that he is taking an interest in his baby she wants to be involved. For what it was worth I would go but I would also want to be staying in a motel so that I had somewhere I could go to spend time on my own with baby and recharge my batteries when keeping the polite smile on my face got too tough. If you continue to have a relationship with the Dad then she will be involved at some point and I always worked on the principal that if I put it off then it caused more bad blood and was even harder the next time. Whatever you decide Good Luck!

Indymom,

This is a tough call. Establishing a relationship goes both ways. Just because she is HIS mother doesn't make her actions or lack there of appropriate. I would sit down and have a heart to heart with your son's father, and explain to him without sounding defensive, that when he comes to visit you guys that there isn't that big elephant in the room. Let him know your concerns and why you are feeling the way you do. I do believe your son should have relationships on both sides of his family, however how does this woman feel about you and this visit? Is she going to welcome you and your son with open arms? I can't get over the fact that she doesn't call or see her grandson, that is harsh. My mother always said that if my sister-in-law doesn't want to bring the kids to see her, that that wouldn't stop her from going to visit them or calling. This isn't about being the bigger person, it's about getting things out in the open, and wiping the slate clean for new beginnings.

Let him know your concerns...

Good Luck....

I have let him know my concerns about all of this. I told him I would not have a problem if we met her somewhere and had dinner or if she ever wanted to call me and ask me to meet her and him somewhere I would go but spending the night at her house is a little more then i am comfortable with at this point I think. She did not even ask him to bring us or for him to come and see her. He told her that he wanted her to see our son and she is willing to give up four hours of her night to see us and then she will be gone in the morning to do other things. She can not even take the time to spend with him or her children. I just think that if we are going to try and make a relationship between all of us then we should start somewhere small not just jump into driving for hours and spending the night.

Now that I just read your last reply, honey, what more can you do on your end. I'm with you, if a person doesn't seem interested in pursuing a relationship they shouldn't be forced. It sounds like your BF really wants this and not his mom...Wow, you guys will get a whopping 4 hrs and you're coming from another state....What in the world is her problem? Indy, let your BF express to his mom how important it is for your son to know his other side, sounds like you've been able to put things aside...

I respect you for that...

You do what is best for your relationship with him, don't worry about his mother.....baby jumps are a good place to start...

Peace and love to you...

i just got off the phone with my bf I told him taht I thought that we should try and take things slow with his mom and me that i would like to repair our relationship with one another b/c she is my sons grandmother but that i was not yet ready to go and stay at her house. he went off on me telling me that i was keeping his son from him and his family (though I drive an hour to see him and his father and siblings anytime they ask me to) then he told me that if i did not do this for him then he did not see that our relationship would go anywhere that i was being selfish and that if i can not get along with his mother now that we will never have anything together. i either just screwed myself or i just realized what kind of guy my boyfriend is i am not sure which. he told me to wake up and to act like an adult and that i should be putting him first in my life. what am i supposed to wake up to though?

Honestly, why is your BF not having this same conversation with his mother? Why are you being blamed for her inability to know her place in her son's life? If he plans on establishing a relationship with you, then compromising should be a part of his plan. Funny how we want to know and hear the truth, but when it boils down to it, we really don't, yet the lesson learned is now you see his view point on this matter. I can't see where you're at fault for sharing your honest opinion and concerns on this matter. There is nothing more depressing then trying and giving your all to get along with someone that continues to spit in your face. Have you tried to talk to his mother about this situation?

If I may be candid, your BF really sounds like he is being the selfish one. And how is it that you're keeping your son away from his entire family when you say that your son does see the rest of his father's family members? What type of relationship does he have with his mother?

Sorry that things are going downhill and I hope you find the right answers that you're seeking. Like I said, the truth hurts a lot of the time.

Peace to you...

Indy I think you are making a good call meeting for dinner somewhere is better then you going and spending the night at her house. I believe she needs to earn her right for that place not just assume it to be there after the things she has done.
Please remind him that you made a sacrifice by letting him back into your life and his sons since he did walk out when he was 2 weeks old.
You have been through allot with this man.
Him and his mother should be gratefull to you.

I would be very nervous about going when it is all his idea and she has only got 4 hours to spend with you. As for his “wake up and to act like an adult and that I should be putting him first in my life” he is the one who should be acting like an adult. He should be putting his child and his child’s mother first in his life. That is what being a Dad is all about. Threatening to abandon his relationship with you when you express a perfectly valid concern is not a great place to start from. I hope he thinks about it and realises that what you are suggesting as a slow start is actually the best for everyone including him. I agree with the post above he and his mother should be grateful Hope it all works out

Okay so my bf calls tonight and tells me that since I can not find it in my heart to go with him to see his mom because it will make me highly uncomfortable he tells me that he will no longer be visiting me at my parent's house (where I live with our son) and that if i want to see him or if I want our son to see him I will drive the hour to see him or its over. He goes on to say that his mother told him that I have to drive my son down there to see him or a judge will realize taht I am trying to keep my son away from him because when my lease was up where we used to live and I had no money to move anywhere else I supposedly took our son away from him and moved away. I guess my problem with his mom was not the only problem in the relationship! I have been so blind! THanks for all of the advice I will definetly not be going to visit his mother anytime soon!! Maybe at some point she will learn to keep her thoughts where they belong--or he will learn how to not repeat everything she says!