HELP! Advice please!

I have a little boy who will be 4 in January. I left his father when he was 6 months old (he was cheating on me and abusive.) I was engaged to a fabulous man but in the end we both decided it wouldn't work because we were SO different. I was sort of staying with him because he was SO good with my little boy. I ended that relationship and then relocated from Vermont to North Carolina to be closer to my family and moved to a small town where I had a friend living. This friend and I have known each other for 5 years (he was my manager when I interned at Disney World) Well, as you can probably guess we started dating 8 months ago. He is wonderful. I have never met someone so much like me. We laugh every single day together and have so much in common. He treats me so well and is good with my son. I cannot imagine my life without him. So what's the problem you say? Well, he is so afraid of being a stepdad. This is a man who before dating me, had never considered having children. He is good with my son, and they get along great but he is scared of taking on an actual parenting role. Now, I know 8 months into a relationship is too soon to be determing futures such as marriages and stepparenting, but in the same respect, I'm concerned about dragging it out if he decides he just can't do it. He hasn't said he doesn't want to be a stepdad, just that he doesn't KNOW. I don't know how long to wait...I made a terribly bad judgement call allowing my child and this man to spend time together because I just felt in my heart that he was 'the one'. Now I wonder if I jumped to conclusions way too quickly. He is a very career driven man and likes things "just so" if that makes any sense. I think he has a hard time imaging a small child in his place, drawing on the walls, leaving toys on the floor, etc.

I am rambling...I love this man more than I've ever loved anyone. I thinke he would make a great stepdad and a great partner. I know it is fear that drives his indecision, and I respect that. It is frightening to think about becoming a stepparent. We have talked about marriage-he's told me I have all the qualities he's looking for. And he has lots of qualities I'm looking for-I just wish he was a little more excited about children. I know this must sound so stupid...but I am torn about how long to hang in there. I have been struggling financially ever since I made the move to NC-and its made my life stressful and chaotic. I think that if I could pull it together, and be happier and not so stressed out and overwhelmed, he would feel more secure in the relationship. I am so overwhelmed sometimes with the responsibilites of being a single parent...being the sole person in charge of the finances, the cleaning, the potty training, the teaching, etc. Sometimes I feel like I just can't keep it together.

Anybody been in a similar situation or have any advice?

Hi TinkerbellNC, again...
I responded to your other posts already but this one is easier for me. Have your boyfriend read this one.
What is a step-father? A step-father is a friend, confidant, role model and more. You my friend are already all of these things to this little boy. You have been for eight months. Sounds to me you're only afraid of the title. Title, shmitle. It starts with friendship between the child and step-parent. You will never be the child's father because he only gets one and that one's not there. But you can be the little guys best friend can't you?
Are you worried about screwing up? Welcome to parenting. We all are. Every day. They don't come with user manuals you know. But the rewards are immense. And soon he won't be 4 anymore. When he's 14 and can wield a hammer, you'll be glad you have this friend in your life. When he's 16 and can bet against you on football games, you'll be glad you have this friend.
Cause that's what step-dads are. Best friends and you're already most of the way there. Forget about the "role". It's different for everyone and can't be defined.
It's sounds like you three have a great opportunity here so jump on it. You don't have to plan your future today, just enjoy today and let fate take over. Maybe someday, the urge to marry will be overwhelming. Deal with it then.
Good luck.

my little girl is 2 and i have so many of the same emotions you are experiencing, plus my current boyfriend of about 8 months is also "one foot in, one foot out" in regards to the whole marriage issue. i feel like an idiot sticking around sometimes. i personally feel insulted about it. i want to be with someone who is bringing up marriage to me and pursuing it. have you read the book called, "he's just not that into you." I'm not saying it applies to your situation or even mine for that matter, but it can help put things in perspective. i'm really confused right now because i'm actually considering breaking up with my boyfriend. he even refuses to directly discuss marriage. i'm tempted to just move forward alone. but i am scared - - i know how hard it is to be a young single mom. my ex was abusive too and that was hell. i guess i'm sort of at this point in my life where i don't give a sh*t whether i ever have a husband again. i'm fed up with men!

You ladies need to make sure the man you "love" loves you kid before he loves you. Well at least that how I look at things. I've been single for about 6 months now (I'm not saying men don't like me) I refuse to start a relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to me because of my child. My daughter is the MOST important thing in my life and if a man can't except that then he needs to keep walking. I knew a lady who once said " Being the best mother I can be is better than finding Mr. Right" and I think that is true.
I know it can be hard when you love someone but honestly do you want to be with someone who has a problem with being a "step-dad"?

Well, here's how I look at it. Being a stepparent is not something I would necessarily expect ANY guy just to jump into without reservations or hesitations. It is a HUGE commitment, and not one that most people plan on. Then you add that to the thought that they will have to have constant reminder of your past because you have to maintain contact with your ex, right? I don't have a problem with my boyfriend feeling worried about being a stepdad.

My problem comes from the mixed messages I get. That's whats frustrating. My boyfriend and I had a long talk yesterday and it seems to boil down to MY situation, and not necessarily my son. He is concerned about my finances and my moodiness (stress makes me mean and cranky sometimes) and when we are doing well and I'm happy he feels like he can handle it all. When I'm snapping at him or being cranky because of my stress, he feels worried that he won't.

I don't know...its hard because he's sort of on the fence. Not against being a stepdad, not 100% for it either.

Hi tinkerbell
You are right girl no man ever sets out to meet a beutiful struggling single mom... and when he does find himself in love with you it takes a second for the whole thing to gel....
A very big life change and commitment..The man in my life is 43 and has never dated anyone with kids..a long comes me with 2 little boys and a boy dog.... it took a little bit but I never pushed just kept on doing my thing and know he wants to buy a house with us ( selling his) and is reading parenting magazines!!!!!! It took 2 years though.. 8 months is not very long at all.. don't push just step back and be in observation mode... it sounds like he is alreday there.. just not ready to put on the job title badge.... let it breathe guys hate feeling pressure......... You will bw fine Honey

Well thats a good thing that it's not your son. I'm so sorry that he's making you feel like its your situation thats holding him back. Well at least now you know what the problem is and you know what you have to do if you want him in your life. I know it can be frustrating when your having a bad day, try not to take it out on him (a little easier said than done I know) I have the same problem, when I've had a bad day at work I always take it out on people at home. Its a changing process, if you honeslty want him around you know what you have to do. Well I hope everything works out for you and your son.

1- Children do not need to meet anyone you are dating until you are absolutely certain it's going to work. That will take at least a year.

2- Most women that will have kids have them by 40 and there are a lot of us. So I would dount a man that is 43 has truly not dated women with children before.

3- Men usually view life differently than women and therefore have a different agenda. Stop looking at a man to be Mr. Right and regard him as Mr. RightNow unless and until he proves himself worthy of you and your child. That will take the pressure off and allow you to enjoy dating.

4- It's lonely and it's tough out there, but I just don't think most men, especially those without kids, are much help. Better to cultivate some good friendships with women you can count on for child care.

5- Stop apologizing for being a single mom. Life happens. If the man is worthy of you he will accept you and your child without issue. If he doesn't, he's not worthy - move on. (Following point#1 will make that easier.)

6. Change your thinking. You don't have to accept whoever you can find. Whoever you find will be LUCKY to find to find you and your baby.

Good luck and God Bless.

7. Stop pestering your man to make a commitment to marry you when you have only been dating 8 months! If its meant to be, its meant to be. sit back and relax these days because you will never get them back. Pressuring him will only stress him (and you) out more.

I must agree that one should try to wait awhile before introducing children to a man but that is not the case here.. just try to breathe and let it happen.. I only can say that because I once did introduce my children to a man and it did not work out.. so the next man I waited about 6 months..
oH and I am really grateful that my boyfreind does not judge me for being a single mom any more than I distrust him for not ever having a relationship before with a single mom....
Just an observation....

I agree with Seraphin.

Besides all this...We covered this in another topic. What exactly don't you understand??
Your situation isn't going to change soon, until you start focussing on your own changes and what you need to do and get done. Others in here are correct too...it has only been 8 months. (Less time than being pregnant.) You are coming off to me that you are really needy....and that is a turn off. I can only imagine what your b/f must be thinking. Move on.

Ok, for the love of God, I posted this message before the last message that got you all riled up. It only got one response at that time, so I posted in a different forum. This is OLD. Oh, and I'm not pressuring him to get married. I don't want to be married. I want a roommate.

There is really no need to be rude.

quote:

Originally posted by TinkerbellNC:
[qb] Ok, for the love of God, I posted this message before the last message that got you all riled up. It only got one response at that time, so I posted in a different forum. This is OLD.

There is really no need to be rude. [/qb]

Ok Tinkerbell...I am cracking up. Sorry, it wasn't meant to be rude. Hang in there.

Ha. Ok good. Enough with the Tinkerbell bashing. Obviously I'm young and stupid I'll figure it out.

You are not stupid and don't call yourself that. It was my mistake and that is why I was laughing, because now that made me stupid (see). I hope you do get things figured out. You appear in your pictures to be a loving mother to a beautiful, well cared for little boy. Best wishes.