First off, I would like say hello to everyone, especially all the single parents out there, my heart goes out to all of you and I wish all for all of you the best life has to offer, you are truly todays Super Women and Super Men.

I just got back onto the dating scene and to be honest, and I don't have any kids, but I met this woman through personals and she's a single mom. At first it frightened me a little bit, because I know the responsibility that comes or should come when a man dates a woman with kid or kids, but, she is truly a remarkable woman and our conversations have been amazing to say the least.

She has trust issues, and she has every right to be, she says that loves the times that we talk or spend time together, but she says sometimes she's almost waiting to get blindsided, that this is too good to be true. She asked me to not run away if I felt her pushing me away, it's just that she's just scared.

I won't be naive and claim to know it all and know what I'm getting into, I know I LOVE kids, I love working with them, I've had to raise my neices and nephews for a while to help out family, so I don't think I'm going into this totally green.

I've tried looking at books about single parents, actually single moms, but there are alot out there but they're mostly self-help titles. I was wondering if anyone could recommend a really great book to help me understand better what a single mother goes through, emotional, physical, etc... All I can do is speculate by imagining what it would be like to be a single mom.

I've read some things on some websites that have helped a bit, I know about the costs of babysitters, the fact that a single mom doesn't have the luxory of spontanaity, and that her children come first ( I wouldn't have it any other way ), I just want to understand better or even if I can learn one thing, it mean alot to me.

Again, my heart goes out to all of you, bless you all!

Hey Scorpion, welcome!

First, I applaud that you're looking at this as a "total package" situation and applaud you even more that you�re actively seeking out resources for help. My personal feeling when it comes to relationships is the children and their protection come first while you�re both trying to make your way through the many challenges ahead (and yes, there will be many...).

Couple of quick suggestions:
1. Keep your relationship between the two of you. In other words, keep the kids out of it. Keep doing what you�re doing � reading, talking with others, etc. but keep a distance at this point from the kids.
2. Respect time � time will bring most issues to the surface and allow her to deal with her fears/issues on her terms. The end result may not be what you expect (or want) but time is a wonderful gift in letting us see reality.
3. Let God lead. Don�t know if you�re a man of faith but if you are � pray. In fact, even if you�re not, won�t hurt to give it a try
4. Want to know what a single mom deals with? This forum is as good as anything you�ll find at Barnes and Noble � there are some awesome moms here who are open and willing to share.

Best to you.

Larry

Thank you Larry, I've read some posts already, and I've already learned so much.

One thing I know is never to rush and although time can be an enemy, it's also one of our greatest gifts.

Religion, well, I have to say, I'm very uncertain, I've seen too many things to believe in God...whole heartedly anyway. I've almost lost faith in people but, I have to say, there's always someone or something that will show up, out of the blue and give you hope.

One thing I've learned is that you cannot recieve what is not given you.

I'm truly expecting a really rough road ahead, I know this is not going to be a walk on the beach under the moonlight. I know I have it rough, and I hope she realizes that, just as much as I realize and learn more of her fears and issues. I know I will have to learn about her as a woman and as a mother.

Anyway, thank very much for your insight, and I want to apologize to everyone if I didn't make sense on this post, it's late and I can barely keep my eyes open hahaha, I'll be back tomorrow nite, I'm sure I'll be laughing at myself lol.

Again, thanks Larry.

Oh, and before I go, let me say thank you to all of you for you willingness to share your feelings and experiences...good nite and peaceful dreams

Scorpion-ava,

"I've tried looking at books about single parents, actually single moms, but there are alot out there but they're mostly self-help titles. I was wondering if anyone could recommend a really great book to help me understand better what a single mother goes through, emotional, physical, etc... All I can do is speculate by imagining what it would be like to be a single mom.

I've read some things on some websites that have helped a bit, I know about the costs of babysitters, the fact that a single mom doesn't have the luxory of spontanaity, and that her children come first ( I wouldn't have it any other way ), I just want to understand better or even if I can learn one thing, it mean alot to me."

The fact that you have done all this shows you really care about understanding. Heed Larry's advice and remember what you stated here when you really need her and she can't be there for you. No we do not have the luxury of doing anything at the drop of a hat unless we have a great ex ... well then why would they be ex's?
Single parents are stretched thin and our children always come first even at the expense of ourselves most of the time.
She is afraid ... whether it is fear of mistrusting someone else or mistrusting her judgement in someone else. Take it easy for a while and let her know she has space and time but, as she said if you really care, don't pull away.

Good luck to you and you are free to stick around and join us!
Carla

Wow, seems every time I get on here I see some really great people giveing real good advice!
I am so glad I found this site!
Best wishes to you Scorpion.

Hi Scorpion and welcome,
Iam with Larry on this.
Just be patient,it is going to take time and understanding.And you did make sense and also came to us for background stuff and advice.That is a good start. We are always here offering what we can.

Regards,

Mark

quote:

I've read some things on some websites that have helped a bit, I know about the costs of babysitters, the fact that a single mom doesn't have the luxory of spontanaity, and that her children come first ( I wouldn't have it any other way ), I just want to understand better or even if I can learn one thing, it mean alot to me. /QB]

Hi Scorpion,
One thing that you can learn from me is that I am brutally protective of my daughter. Meaning... don't get too close fast (especially with affection toward my daughter) because I will push you away so hard you would fall back into last week. I would wonder why you take such an interest in her...and wonder if you had other motives? etc. I am not meaning to freak you out or anything but with what the 2 of us have gone through years ago...makes me untrusting and protective of what I have worked so hard to build up. If this girl is anything at all like me than she will push you away, and she will fight her feelings to get closer to you, so be prepared to have some hurt feelings when things start heating up. If you really care for her and you want to become a part of her life then get to know her first and her know you...then, and only when she is ready to let in her child will it settle down her feelings a little more, and make things more at ease. Good luck.

Thank you all so much so all of your input, there are so many wonderful people here. We've talked alot, I haven't met her daughter yet, which I totally understand, and I would not want to meet her also until we both felt there was real potential, the last thing I want to do is hurt a little girl anymore than she's already been.

I guess I just have to get used to being under suspicion as a bad guy until I prove other wise, hehe. It's not a nice thing being feared, but I understand or try my best to. I think we have great chemistry, and I think I've shocked her a bit with my honesty, I'm not afraid of my sharing my feelings, especially to someone as brave as her. Not only does she have to or had to worry about weirdos out there and has the safety and best interests of her daughter.

Again, thank you all so much for your input, it really means alot to me...well, I'm off, hopefully I'll be back later on tonite, if not, good nite all

Wow, a guy goes to the kitchen to fix himself a ham and cheese sandwich and the board is filled when he gets back...

Scorpion, glad you feel you�re getting some good feedback (think of all the $ you�ve already saved at the bookstore from all of this). One thing to consider - the flipside of thinker might be she�s vulnerable right now and naive as to the importance of keeping her kid(s) out of the relationship. You may be faced being the one to help educate her on the importance of that � especially if she�s a newly single mom. Just something to be aware of...

And I think the truth of the matter is you�re not under suspicion for being the bad guy, nor do I suspect she actually fears you. I suspect (help me out moms) that she is probably going through severe sensory/emotional/physical overload and having her world shuffled around by meeting you is just a part of that. I, like you, tend to spill my guts � very open book. But many people aren�t like that and can get rather spooked by all that openness and honesty right at the beginning. But I think it�s something that time (oh, that word again) should take care of in showing you both if this should happen or not.

My continued best wishes.

Larry

The thing is to get to be a single Mum you have already been through a big emotional heartbreak and none of us are lining up for another one of those!!! Plus as soon as you have a child to protect you become even more protective of not only your but also your child’s emotional well being. Sounds to me like you are approaching this all with the right kind of attitude just keep being honest about how you feel (sounds like it to me) and can give her the time she needs to be able to trust you.
Larry I think you may have a point - personally I like people who are really open from the start - I am definitely a tell all - but bitter experience has made me pretty cautious about believing exactly what others tell me now. They need to keep saying and more importantly doing it
All the best

Being a single mom myself, these are my ongoing challenges that may give you a bit of insight with your situation:

1. Finding the energy in doing anything beyond the typical routine. If it's not with my child, it's with my job. If it's social, he's included. If he's included, it's child friendly and as far away as possible from the next romantic encounter.

2. Finding something to talk about beyond my child or job. It's what I live and breathe for. I'm often so bogged down with the day-to-day abundances, I forget to live the life of a WOMAN.

3. [Having had a long history with my ex] Discussing past experiences with a date can pose uncomfortness. The likelyhood that he was included in the experience is given. That last thing I want to remember on a date is the ex.

4. Finding someone worthwhile. Dating comes with a series of pre-planned agendas and head-aches. If the guy has the credentials, then it's running the risk of readjusting that SECURED routine for a potential combustion.

5. Safe zone. I survived my last ordeal. I'm a stronger woman for it. Question is: Will I be able to overcome my next? How will it affect my child?

My only advice is to allow her to take the lead. She'll let you know when the time is right. If you persist, she'll run.

Best of luck!
jes

Good luck! But please don't think of yourself as needing to 'parent' this child. Even if the relationship works out- there is a mom to do that.
Support and respect for your partners child will be your role- BUT you aren't there yet!
The advice to keep it between you two is perfect.
As a single mom, my son's have only met 2 'interests' of mine only AFTER I had known these people for 6 mos or more. I have single mom friends who's children have spent every xmas with a different 'man friend' of their mothers. My son's see me treat this person as a 'friend' in my home when the sons are around- which is infrequently because I still choose to keep my personal 'adult' life seperate and socialize when there is visitation with dad.
Focus on the 'couple' for now and if you make it as far as 6 mos or so, then you can come in as mom's friend- not a replacement father.

quote:

Originally posted by LarryNCdad:
[qb] Wow, a guy goes to the kitchen to fix himself a ham and cheese sandwich and the board is filled when he gets back...

Scorpion, glad you feel you�re getting some good feedback (think of all the $ you�ve already saved at the bookstore from all of this). One thing to consider - the flipside of thinker might be she�s vulnerable right now and naive as to the importance of keeping her kid(s) out of the relationship. You may be faced being the one to help educate her on the importance of that � especially if she�s a newly single mom. Just something to be aware of...

And I think the truth of the matter is you�re not under suspicion for being the bad guy, nor do I suspect she actually fears you. I suspect (help me out moms) that she is probably going through severe sensory/emotional/physical overload and having her world shuffled around by meeting you is just a part of that. I, like you, tend to spill my guts � very open book. But many people aren�t like that and can get rather spooked by all that openness and honesty right at the beginning. But I think it�s something that time (oh, that word again) should take care of in showing you both if this should happen or not.

My continued best wishes.

Larry [/qb]

Thanks Larry, hehe, that's a nice twist, but no, she's been a single mom for over some years now, she's never really had luck with guys, they are either jerks or only after one thing, I wonder what.

I know a relationship with a single mother cannot be easy, I'm not expecting that, most of all, I just really want to be a good friend to her first, I know she's goes through things and I was just looking for a better understanding of what she's going through.

Now I'm going to go on and read some more posts...again, thanks Larry.

quote:

Originally posted by Zealand:
[qb] The thing is to get to be a single Mum you have already been through a big emotional heartbreak and none of us are lining up for another one of those!!! Plus as soon as you have a child to protect you become even more protective of not only your but also your child’s emotional well being. Sounds to me like you are approaching this all with the right kind of attitude just keep being honest about how you feel (sounds like it to me) and can give her the time she needs to be able to trust you.
Larry I think you may have a point - personally I like people who are really open from the start - I am definitely a tell all - but bitter experience has made me pretty cautious about believing exactly what others tell me now. They need to keep saying and more importantly doing it
All the best [/qb]

Zealand thank you also You're right, heck, I'm cautious too, my luck with women hasn't been that great either. It's hard to understand, they all cheated on me, and then when I walk away from them, they're crying and begging me to come back. Loyalty is so big to me, and cheating has to be the ultimate betrayal, something I cannot forgive. I don't hate anyone of them from my past, but I cannot be with them ever.

So honesty is very big for me too, and most of the time you can tell when someone's lying to you, it's that little voice in the pit of your stomach. People or friends that I make, will always have my friendship and loyalty as long as they are always honest with me.