The man I'm dating is wonderful! Every day with us seems to get better. But I recently found out that he spanks his children. Hard. He even kicked his son once, in my presence. It wasn't hard, but the thought of it is just disgusting to me. I don't think physical force is a necessary (or useful) disciplinary tactic. In fact, I think it tells the kids that if they are mad or want their way, they should hit. I think it produces untrusting, calculating children with low self-esteem, in many cases. Since we are in a new relationship, I have no disciplinary rights whatsoever, and I feel a bit uncomfortable giving him parenting advice. Should I just tell him that he is not to spank my daughter and let him have it out with his own kids? Should I tell him it makes me uncomfortable? I really do cringe every time I hear the, "*SMACK*...Waaaaahhhhhhh!". Has anyone ever had these kind of disciplinary differences? What did you do about it, if so? Could this mean he may be violent with me someday?

I personally feel that "time-outs" don't always work. I also feel that there is a BIG difference between discipline and abuse. If you feel he is being abusive, for example harming the child versus hurting their feelings, then there may be a problem. I have seen parents who talked thigs through with their children till they are blue in the face and their children are rotten!Ditto for the time out thing. But I have seen kids that it works great for and I think for you to be new into a relationship without knowing the child very well it would be seen as intrusive to try to tell him how to discipline his children.

You have every right to tell him your feelings concerning your daughter and discipline. It may your opportunity to discuss the subject and understand him better or him you. If not, you can agree to disagree.

Just thought I'd show you a thread with a member discussion about spanking. Just some different views etc, I happened to think of that topic after reading this. What bothers me is him kicking his son for one, and well you can even read my replies on the spanking subject in that thread below.

http://singleparentsnetwork.com/cgi-bbs/ultimatebb.cgi?/topic/51/24.html

Could difference of opinion on discipline cause problems in a relationship, yes I do believe so. Does it mean that he could get violent with you, I wouldn't rule it out at all, though I wouldn't say that it absolutely will either. As you read my reply in the spanking topic, you will see that my discipline growing up was well....pretty violent at times, though my parents never got physical with each other.

Thanks Don, that was an interesting thread. I was thinking more on this and I would not say that because a man that spanks his child that he would be likely to abuse his spouse. The kicking thing bothers me too. Only because I think spanking sends the worng signal when it is done out of anger. I tend to talk to hte girls about why they are getting a spanking and then tap their tails. I don't believe in belts because they can cause damage that can't be seen, if you hit on the bootie you might not do damage but some people have a hard time with aim. My grandma used to use a spoon, I seriously think I was not spanked enough!

In fact, I think it tells the kids that if they are mad or want their way, they should hit. I think it produces untrusting, calculating children with low self-esteem, in many cases.

I was spanked and abused as a child because of that I am untrusting, have low self-esteem, and disrespect my parents because they did that. My father also abused my mother. I do not spank my child because I know what it might bring. If I was in the same situation I would call CPS as an anonymous caller, you just don't kick your children. The children might remember the episodes when they were hit, I don't think I will ever understand why my parents hit me. Just my opinion.


Jenny

I disagree. I think children need to be spanked once in a while. They need to understand that they are children and you are the parent. If you put them in time-out everytime they misbehave or do something wrong, they will see that there wasn't any real consequence. I got my butt spanked many times when I was a child and I didn't turn out bad. I totally agree that there is a big difference between spanking and abuse. I'm not saying that you should hit your child in the face or with objects, but I definately don't think spanking their butts when they need it is inappropriate. There are some times where spanking may be a bit extreme, but sometimes it can be used as a tool to teach a valuable lesson.

Singitmama-- I understand where you are coming from. My daughter's father has smacked, spanked, and kicked his oldest son. I resent him for treating his son that way, without first trying to resolve the problem with other measures. He and I are currently in a (getting to be nasty) custody/visitation battle for our daughter. We now have a temp court order that prohibits corporal punishment by either of us. He had her Sunday and told me (TOLD ME! can you believe that?!) that he had "smoked her a**" not once, but twice!! for not eating her sandwich and something else silly like that. I have noticed that, with both my kids, spanking just doesn't cut it. I don't do it anymore, not only b/c I can't do that with my daughter, but because they respond better to other forms of discipline. My son can't stand sitting in his room with nothing to do. So, when he misbehaves at school or daycare, he gets 30 mins in his room when he gets home. Since we started that, it's been great. My daughter is the same way. But I'm rambling. My point is that I think you should talk to your new man. I think that that kind of "discipline" to a child is abusive. Also, that could mean he is abusive to his women. Mine was to me. And definitely let him know that you will deal with your daughter your way. That is your area, not his.

I don't necessarily agree with spanking, but I have spanked my son a handful of times-for things like pouring nail polish on my carpet at 4 am and things like that! (ARGH) But the KICKING is WAAAAAY not ok. Even if its not hard. Kicking your CHILD? That makes my skin crawl honestly. If he was just swatting their bottoms when they misbehave I wouldn't worry but if you have seen him kick his son-I would be furious. My son's father used to be rough with his other son-he would get mad and sort of hold him up against the wall or whack him just a little too hard if you know what I mean. Not enough to be downright abusive, but crossing the line a little in my opinion. As it turned out, he was abusive with me in the same sort of way. Never hit me hard enough to leave a bruise, but shoving me into walls, twisting my arm, grabbing me by the neck. Your boyfriend of course could be completely different...I'm just sharing my story with you. I'm not saying that he will be abusive, but keep your eye on it. Bottom line, if it makes you uncomfortable tell him. See how he reacts. And definitely make it clear he is to never discipline your child that way.

well I think every child is different. However my dad did spank me and my siblings and I was terrified of him. I would get spanked over things like my room not being clean enough and to me that's no reason. But I grew up afraid of him and terrified to be alone with him. He was also a violent man though. I think it all depends on the child and the situation. Like how hard are you spanking them, where are you spanking them, what are you spanking them with, and why are you spanking them. But I agree with the person above who said there is no reason to kick. I would be careful with the relationship. If you don't agree with spanking I'd sit down and have a good one on one with your boyfriend, before it gets serious and figure out if this can be worked out or not. Just my advice. :-)

I was a "I'll never spank my child" person, but I do. I spank because it's the only way to get through sometimes and because it's immediate and to the point.

My folks abused the right to spank, but some parents just don't realize that they are until its too late. I've found myself apologizing and not spanking as much at times because my Daughter's reactions reminded me so much of mine as a child. She's sensitive, it doesn't take much of a tap to get her bawling. My son, on the other hand, laughs at me when I tap on his hind end.

Kicking, grabbing, anything out of anger or frustration even up to yelling is wrong in my book. However, I'd like to meet a parent who hasn't messed up on controlling their emotions somewhere and regretted it.

I was spanked - not enough - and I turned out great. Got good self esteem, college edumacation (smile) and great job (until laid off). I have spanked my son but for him, time out is more effective (he hates it!) Discipline has to fit the child. My ex once pretended to kick my son. He won't be doing that again. Feet are for walking on and there is never a reason to use them otherwise. It happens ot be a hot button for me and I know I would say something to the father and I would probably do it at the time in front of the child. I AM NOT TELLING YOU TO DO THIS, ONLY WHAT I WOULD DO. It might not be the right thing and it might ruin the relationship but I believe sometimes it is necessary to let kids see someone will champion them. Adult feelings don't always take precedence in my world.