I am currently 2 months pregnant with my first child. I'm pregnant by my ex-boyfriend that I am still on good terms with. We just aren't together. He said he wants to be around and help me and I believe him. He is a good guy in alot of ways and would make a good Dad. The problem is, I'm in love with someone else who wants to marry me. He is a US Marine and is shortly going to be going to a duty station in Europe. He wants to marry me and take me with him and take care of the baby and what not. My ex is pissed about it. He doesnt want me to leave. If i stay here, I will stay alone, and though I will get help from my babies father, he doesnt want to marry me, he wants to stay single and go mess with other girls like he does all the time. I'm torn between putting distance between my baby and his real father, or taking my baby to Europe with a guy who I love and will marry me and provide for me and have a family with me. Should I stay or should I go???

My question would be how long have you known this man in the service? Seriously...if he really loves you and wants to marry you...there has to be a better way to do that and allow your child's father the involvement both he and the baby deserve.

I'm not saying that you should do this alone or sacrifice love, but I do think that leaving the father of the child without any contact is a very bad and selfish idea...especially if you say he will be a good dad.

Welcome to the site, I hope I don't offend you with my remarks. You may want to read Jaydsdad's post regarding the mountain he can't move. Distancing father's from their children when they are truly good men is such a heart breaker for both sides.

It's not the fact that he would be a bad father. And I've known the guy in the service since we were in High School, I'm 22 now. The problem I have with my ex is he is more concerned about going out and sleeping with all these girls he sees now, andhaving fun, then taking care of me while im pregnant. Being pregnant is hard enough without having to do it alone when the other party involved is out and about. My new guy has offered to fly me out to the states every 2 or 3 months so my child can visit. And it is only a 2 year duty station, meaning I will be back in San Diego when my child is barely a year old. I have been told it is selfish, but the thing is, I've offered to work on a relationship with my ex. He doesnt want that he "likes being single to much" I dont want to miss out on a family life. Basically, what my ex wants is me to stay here, to halt my life so he can see his kid, but he isn't going to halt his life to help me out. He wants me to be like im with him, without the commitment. He also doesnt want me gone while im pregant because he says if the otehr guy is around me my whole pregnancy the baby will get used to his voice before he is even born, and then wont know who his father is.

I understand all that you are feeling, but I also understand that you ARE pregnant and will be full of all sorts of strong emotions right now.

I too felt that my Ex should be involved in my pregnancy, but honestly most men don't see that as a responsibility. Is he going to doc appts with you or talking to your unborn child? Do you realize that being there on the day that baby is born will be one of the most important days in his life? Many times that day helps bring the bond of a father and child 100x's forward.

I'm just thinking that it is only 2 years away from your man in the service and perhaps instead he could fly you back and forth to him. Why break the bonds that could be there with the father of your child?

I know you must think I have an idealized version of life, but I have seen my share. My son has no idea what the word Daddy means. His father denied him and I'm waiting on November to come when our court date is set for paternity to see if he'll deny him again.

My daughter's Dad wanted to be there when she was born and I denied him. I was angry and hormonal about him not bein there during the pregnancy. I let my emotions get in the way and made him miss the 1st month of his daughter's life. He could have worked harder to make it happen, but it's all in the past.

What about family? Do you have family where you are?

I have my mom, she will disown me (seriously) because my baby is inter-racial. I just feel like he is trying to hold me back from seeing someone else. We still love eachother, it would break his heart if he saw me with someone else. But he didn't say much when I found some used contraceptives in his room that weren't from me. All I could say was "Well, atleast you are using protection with THEM" It just hurts to much being around him. he dropped me off and left me alone in a hot *** apartment with his cat this weekend because some girl wanted to see him. He came back a few hours later. It's just things like that. The guy I'm seeing, they don't like eachother over some stupid ****. Well, my ex doesn't like him, he doesn't seem to mind to much. He doesn't want a life with me, but is getting mad that I want a life for myself. I just dont get it. it's not like i didn't spend the past 2 months crying and begging and trying everything to get himk to go to relationship counseling or something so we could work things out and be together and have a family. He's more interested in acting single.

Welcome Nelly,

the way you are presenting the situation there is only one answer of course: you have to go.

But I am sure there are other factors you have not told us...or maybe even some you are not thinking of now..

like..what happens if your 'new guy' changes his mind when you're out there in Europe on your own, no family around, your Mom cannot be there for the delivery, no one will be there. You will depend on him alone.

Do you even want the baby to be born in Europe...

You have known him since High School..that's only a few years isn't it ? But you only recently fell in love with him, did you ? How about him, how certain is he about his decision to marry you and take care of some one else's baby.

As you can see I am putting it all in the worst light on purpose. But since you are wanting to leave, and you have only a few months left (or less) to think about it, this is the time to really ask yourself all those uncomfortable questions.

And finally, my wish is certainly for you NOT to be a single parent.
If the biological father will not take his responsibilities, it will be his loss first.
I believe the child will be better off with a father than without a father (bio or not), it's simple enough.
But that decision is long term, not for 2 years.

nelly, welcome to SFV ... and I really agree with what Dew said. Your situation is delicate, and you would be very dependent on this man if you went with him. But, if you truly love him and he loves you - and wants to make a family... I think you should go. You should never stop the bio father from seeing his child, but if he does not want to be responsible and take care of you during your time of need...it's fair to say, he won't be around that much.

Do what is best for you and your baby ... but be careful.

Nelly,

Welcoem to the board and I agree w/ Dew. I would go. This maybe your chance to have a family for yourself and your baby. If this man really loves you he will treat this child as his own but also let the bio father be a part of the baby's life not bother him.

If you stay b/c the bio father wants you to then you may never get a life of your own. It sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too. I have the pregante girl at home but I can still sleep w/ohter women and have my single life. That is an unfair expectation to put on you.

I wish you the best of luck in this. Follow your heart and what it tells you to do.

SPIRIT

If the Us marine is in love with you and you love him then I think you kind of already made your mind up. I think you should follow you heart and think of what will be best for the baby. Also if your misrable then why stay and make your baby misrable too?

From a man's point of view AND after 11 years active duty IN THE MARINES, STOP!!!! you say you are 22 and I am gathering he is about the same and hasn't been in the Marines very long. Tell me that much and I will finish what my thought is.

Hi Nelly and welcome.
I really am not sure what to say. Honesty it sounds like you want to be married and that is why you are choosing the Marine. I am sure Wyatt will testify that a Marines life is not an easy one.
Anyway I pray things work out for you. I am interested in hearing what Wyatt has to say.

wonder if chica_nelly went or stayed?