hi to all,

I have posted her before and bee quite overwhelmed by the positive, insightful and empathetic response I have recieved, this has been a great help to me through some difficult times so thanks to all!

I have been wih my girlfriend for a year now, she has a 3yr old from a previous relationship, she was not married to the father but the child has his surname. We have been discussing marriage and she said that one thing she would really want is for us to adopt her daughter legally, as a couple, ie: the child would then take my surname. I have no problem with this, in fact i agree that it would be a good idea as we want to have a family and kids of our own too and I want our family all to have one name -it would be awkward for her daughter to go to school and have to explain why her brothers/sisters have a different surname, for instance.
The father hates my guts and has not reached the point of accepting his share of the blame for their relationship falling apart which to a large degree has to do with his drug addiction and his inability to look after himself let alone a family.
I would like to know if anyone has any information regarding our rights as a married couple to adopt the child without the consent of her biological father whose name is on her birth certificate (he would NEVER consent to this).

Would it be necessary to go to court if he will not consent?
If so what kind of things could count against us?

Some background info: we are 24 & 25, both have stable careers and are managing quite nicely thus far so I dont see how our age etc. could count against us ...could it?

Any other thoughts would be appreciated.

Hi Mike,
can't really be of any practical help.
But I don't see why you say your age(s) could be a problem ?! Sounds like the perfect age to start a family, if you ask me, assuming you do have an education and a job.
I wish you all the luck and energy you need in your enterprise !
BTW, How's the weather down in South Africa ? It's winter (or fall) isn't it ?
D.

I don't know what the laws are where you are but I have been in a similar situation. When I looked into it here I was told that I should try and get the father to sign off on his rights but if he wouldn't go for that the I could go to the court and get his rights removed for abandonment (he hadn't seen her in 3 years at that point) Hope it was helpful.
Shannon
P.S. maybe b4 starting the adoption procedure you might get married first since you plan to anyway it helps to make the family more stable in the eyes of the court.
GOOD LUCK!!!

Mike,
I do not know anything about South African Law concerning this. In the states it is impossible to do this if the father is in anyway active and will not give consent. If he is not, keep everything possible (receipts) concerning your care of this child. Proof that you are and have cared for her mentally, physically and emotionally. Proof that you are the "father" in her life and that he is just the biological sperm donor. I have a girlfriend going through this. Her ex has not been active, physically or monitarily, in 6 years. Now her new husband wants to adopt her (their) children. He has been in their lives and caring for them for 4 years. He is their "father". The info about keeping track of things came from her attorney. Get info for yourself from an attorney, then you can make the necessary steps.
Good Luck!
Carla

Hi!

thanks to everyone for your responses
and thanks for your votes of confidence too!
i think we both just feel a little apprehensive ...having grown up in a slightly conservative environment where the usual response to anything is: no, youre too young, or not stable/responsible enough etc. can do that i think.

...at least i know what i will say to my kids:
wow! -yea, go for it, youre young, the world is at your feet you can do anything you put your mind & heart to so do your best!

we discussed everthing again last night and felt that it may actually be easier if she changes her daughters surname to hers, before marrying me -that way we may face less of a hassle where the ex is concerned AND once we marry, her daughter then takes my name by default. still need to find out if we have the right idea here legally speaking ...good advice about seeing a lawyer, i guess that will be necessary although i hate to think of this whole thing as being a big fight, but sometimes you gotta fight for what you believe in.

I am not sure what the laws are like in South Africa, but in the US, you can't even change the last name of the child without going to court first. Everything has to be done legally. I would like to do this with my child, but his father won't agree to it. Even though I was married when I had my 2nd child, we were separated and I was able to give my son my maiden name. When the divorce is final and I get my name changed back, my youngest son will have the same name as me. My older son has a different last name, but he goes by Zane Austin Wilson-Hayes (Hayes being my last name as well as the last name of my whole family who has been very active in his life).

Good luck with whatever happens!

To who ever sayed it was completely impossible to adopt a child with out the fathers consent that is not quite true. In many states they have what is called second parent adoption. Which means a step parent or another person(like grandma) can adopt the child and have say so in there life with out terminating any parental rights. This was put into effect because of some many grandparents and other family members caring for and raising the children of drug addicted moms and dads.

Shannon

Mike. I am an adopted child myself. I was 4 when my mother's second husband adopted me. They had to have the consent of my father.

As long as his name is on the birth certificate, he has first rights to the child. Unless he does something extreme, there is probably NOT a way to adopt your finace's daughter without his 100% co-operation and consent.

I understand your situation all too well. I wish you luck and keep us posted please!

I know this is really late but why adoption? Can't you just have the child's name changed? Or maybe have your last name added to the child's full name.

If you're still kicking around in here, where abouts in South Africa are you from?