Hey all. I haven't been on here much but I pop in from time to time, and check things out. I'm presented with a new problem, and I could use some advice.

Here's a brief rundown of what I've been going through:

July 2003: my daughter born.
August 2004: ex and I split up due to marital difficulties, she moves out, takes child.
May 2005: ex takes up with a new guy, moves to BC with virtually no notice, I am unable to stop this through legal channels.
November 2005: Ex tells me new BF is beating her and eventally left her, and police get involved. Child taken to foster home. Ex states that I need to take get back to ontario because she can't handle it - more info
December 2005: ex gets back together with BF, changes her mind and accuses me of trying to steal child, vows to fight me. I hire lawyer. Ontario judge hears my case and awards me custody. I buy plane tickets. Ex hires legal aid, reverses ruling on jurisdictional technicality - more info.
March 2005 - Drew released from foster home.


Since then the ex and I have made an effort (amazingly) to be civil for our daughter's sake. I call my daughter every day and visit her as much as I can, and that is the way it has been for two years. I was not able to further the court process because I was not able to afford it, and also I did not want to further antagonize the ex into cutting me off from my daughter again.

There is more to the story. At some point last year, the ex and co. moved to Newfoundland, and they two got married. Everything seemed to be fine, and I have visited them there a couple of times now. I am scheduled to go again in one week. But less than a month ago, the ex took off on the premise of taking a vacation, when he is in fact already shacked up with another woman who he apparently had a thing for for over five years. This is neither here nor there as far as I'm concerned, but needless to say it has obliterated the ex, and she messaged me this afternoon saying that she wants me to take my child back with me when I come to visit, stating such reasons as she can't handle herself right now with the feelings of greif and abandonment, and as a result she 'isn't being a very good mother.'

Naturally I am all for this idea, but there are a lot of things to consider:

- financially I'm not very well off, since I spend a couple grand I don't really have each year just to see my kid
- I only have a one BR apt. which I am locked into for above financial reasons
- I work full time, and don't really have a savings/credit built up to afford such things as daycare
- and the ever-present voice in the back of my mind telling me this is just another ruse on the ex's part, ready to be snatched away from me at any time.

My kid is five now, and I have missed out on two years of her life, basically, and I want her back. But I'm scared sh!tless by the daunting nature of this task, and I have no idea how to proceed. Assuming the ex is serious about this (50/50 chances at this point), I have about two weeks to pull this off, one of which I will be spending in Newfoundland. does ANYone have ANY encouraging words/advice/ideas/resources to call upon to give me some semblance of optimism?

quote:

Originally posted by pe:machine:
Naturally I am all for this idea, but there are a lot of things to consider:

- financially I'm not very well off, since I spend a couple grand I don't really have each year just to see my kid
- I only have a one BR apt. which I am locked into for above financial reasons
- I work full time, and don't really have a savings/credit built up to afford such things as daycare
- and the ever-present voice in the back of my mind telling me this is just another ruse on the ex's part, ready to be snatched away from me at any time.

Ok, your daughter is 5 which means she starts kindergarten in September right? That takes care of the daycare costs. A lot of schools run a before/afterschool program which are subsidized for low-income families.

Secondly, apply for subsidized housing, which will take a year or so to get but would it be so bad to share a one-bedroom with her for now? Once you get into housing, you'll have a lot more money to work with. Also, if she's living with you, you won't have to spend a couple grand to visit her .. another problem solved. If this works out well, you can request to have the child tax switched over into your name which gives you additional money to work with. Come income tax season, you'll gain the benefits of having a dependent living with you .. again, more money to work with. Doesn't sound so bad does it?

Honestly, if I were you, I'd jump at this chance. Act fast. It doesn't sound like your daughter is in a very healthy situation and if your ex is back and forth with an abuser, think on how its affecting your daughter.

Keep a paper trail. I can't stress that enough. She's asked you to take your daughter .. in an email? If not, see if you can get her to write it out for legal purposes. It may be in your best interest to hire a lawyer .. see if you can find one who will do a pro-bono, and have the custody arrangements altered. Again, act fast before the ex changes her mind. I think you can even request a temporary custody order until the court rulings are finalized.

Don't worry about the what-ifs, especially if it's money related. Seriously, when I left my ex, I moved into a transition house knowing I only had a month to get my sh*t together; 30 bucks to my name; bad credit and a 10 month old. I kept it a secrecy from my family and friends so I was basically dealing with it on my own. You'd be amazed on how much you can accomplish during desperate times. I'm so thankful I took that giant leap of faith and I'm so much better off now .. financially and emotionally.

I hope this helps.. and welcome back.

Taking missjes' I jumped at the chance. After three days, the ex has not changed her mind, and I went ahead and bought my daughter a ticket on the same flight to come back with me. So it looks like, barring an eleventh hour change of heart, I will be a single father for a while.

But a friend of mine brought up a good point. Because I am flying with a child, there may be special requirements for her to board with me. The rep I talked to at Westjet said that all they needed was a form of non-photo ID, but I want to make sure all asses are covered in this, and that they don't stop me from boarding.

The ex has agreed to this, but only orally, and I have no documentation to back up the fact that I am Drew's father, or that I have permission to bring her to Ontario. In the event that there is a problem at the gate, is there anything anyone can think of, be it a form, or document of some kind that would be usable in this regard? Perhaps a standalone affidavit of some kind? I wont have time to begin, let alone finish the joint custody proceedings until after I get back.

Hello,

Wow, I read your post and your links, and I must say it comes out to one helluva story.

The two times I took my son out of the country, I had my ex write a letter stating that she gave me permission. I never needed to show anyone the letter. My son an I share a common last name, however, so we were unlikley to raise suspicions. I remember when we walked across the bridge to Canada at Niagra Falls, all the security guard did was point to me and ask my son, "Who's this guy?" to which my son replied with my full name I don't know how common this level of security is, but you might want to coach your daughter to give a good response.

I'm sorry that I can't help more than this. It sounds like your story is headed in a positive direction. Good luck to you, and I hope to read about the happy ending.

Later,
Bobby

quote:

Originally posted by BigBobby:
I remember when we walked across the bridge to Canada at Niagra Falls, all the security guard did was point to me and ask my son, "Who's this guy?" to which my son replied with my full name

Nothing personal of course, but it doesn't seem like the security guard did a very good job. Really, children are often kidnapped by their own parent so had you of been one of 'those', he wouldn't of known. I've never flown with my son but that's a good point. I wonder if I'd have to get a letter from my ex .. heaven forbid, if I wanted to take my son to Disneyland or somewhere across the border.

Heh...well, I certainly don't take that personally. Really, that guard was the *most* strict I faced crossing borders. In Mexico, the bus company (tourist thing between San Diego and Tiajuana) sold us tickets and we went across the border without any border officials checking anything.

Omg...and we we flew into Ireland? They didn't even take the customs cards that we filled out on the plane. Didn't ask us questions. Just stamped us and said "Welcome to Ireland." I asked the guard what was up and he said, "We believe in racial profiling here in Ireland!" Lol...no joke.

I would definately get it documented to cover any unpleasant surprises.

My son has a different last name to me (as well as being biracial) and we did once have the unpleasant experience of the woman checking us in querying our relationship. Luckily she let us through (it was obvious I am his mum in how he related to me).

After that, I immediately got a new passport with my old married name ("ex of ....") included in it.

What with child abductions, either by an estanged parent, or by a stranger(!!), as well as the extra security at airports these days, you cannot be too careful.

If you don't have the time to get the legal documentation, maybe a photocopy of her birth certificate and/or marriage certificate stating you as the father would help in an emergency (?? don't know the law in Canada).

quote:

Originally posted by Marielle:
My son has a different last name to me

My son has a different last name as well. I wonder if bringing the custody court order would be enough to get us across the border.

quote:

Originally posted by miss jes:

quote:

Originally posted by Marielle:
My son has a different last name to me

My son has a different last name as well. I wonder if bringing the custody court order would be enough to get us across the border.

Well, I don't know the laws in Canada, but my general rule is "better to have and not need, than need and not have...."

Make sure you make a copy though, and take that, you NEED TO KEEP THE ORIGINAL!!!! - and preferably in the safety deposit box!!