My son and I were walking home from kindercare the other day when out of nowhere he says, "My daddy doesn't love me."

awwwwwwww...

I know it's not my place to tell him that his dad truly DOES love him but I had to convince him anyway. I just can't have him believe that he doesn't. I've also noticed lately that the children at his center are asking about his dad. "Where's your dad?" ; "Do you have a dad?" ; "How come he never comes here?" ... His response was, "He lives far away." << the only thing I've been able to teach him to put his little heart at ease .. for now.

I knew this day would come - and that it did. Recently, we were looking through some old photos I was sorting. He saw one of his dad and himself and asked for it. He grabbed it and laid down on the couch, holding it like a teddy bear, and smiling like he was in heaven, "That's my dad."

.. broke my heart.

awww. I'm sorry Jes. That's really stinks when the kids start thinking about it and asking questions..

Two days ago, Jack handed me my cell phone and asked me to call his dad. I said I couldn't because I don't know his phone number, I don't know where he is. He said "Find it!"

I asked him what he would say to his dad. He said I would invite him to come over, and ask him to take me to the park and tell him that he loves him.

It makes me angry.

I really mean this one from the heart. AAAAWWWWW That kind of stuff really breaks my heart. I don't know who gave me the advice but I know I got it here. But I went through that with my daughter and son and I told them that there dad just was not able to take care of them like mommy right now. It worked but from time to time they will out of the blue ask about him.
They know that he lives in another state but they don't understand why I can't call him or why they can't go visit. This usuaully comes up when another kids Dad is around or it has been a day or two since they had seen my bf.
I am from a single parent home myself it does get easier with age you never forget sometimes you forgive. I kind of figured things out when I was 13-14 and could see the pain in my moms eyes and just stopped asking.
But your son has you to kiss the pain and to teach him about love and life.

Reading this thread hurts. I love my girl with all my heart and more but I still feel like there's more inside to give. I wish I could be every dad to every kid.

And I can't express my disdain for those fathers who ignore and hide, deeply enough.

No child should have to ask that question...ever.

I can't agree more. Simone's Sunday school asked what their prayer request was for the week and Simone said "for my daddy to stop being mean to my mommy." We have not seen him for over a year and she still remembers the stuff he did. I sometimes think that if he was around and was good to her she would forget how he treated me. I guess only God knows the answer to that one huh?

You know what? I have to admit how terrible I feel when ever I read a post like this. Which situation is worse? I have to admit I think it is yours. I mean when my kids as about Dad there is an answer to it. I tell them that Dad did not have a choice to leave, it was an accident, Dad loves them so on and so on. In God we trust.
But what do you say when Dad does have a choice and could be there if he wanted to? How hard is that? It is hard here too when they ask or say they miss there Dad and I cry most of the time. Even when I just know it is bugging them and they don't say anything I still cry. It's hard it really is.
I don't know. I don't think I am making much sence here. I just think it would be harder to explain when Dad or Mom is alive and has a choice.
My prayers are with all the parents that have to come up with explanations as to where the other parent is and why they don't come visit, or care.

Thanks John. You're a blessing to all of us..

Commander .. who's John? lol

Thanks everyone for relating. It helps a little to know that others are facing with this exact thing.

So.. what do you tell your children? at what age/maturity level?

My son is turning 5 in September. So far I've told him that daddy lives far away (you'd have to take an airplane to go visit him). I told him that even though we both love him very very much, sometimes adults have to make hard choices and we need to understand that these choices are for the best. At one point I even told him that when he was a baby, mommy and daddy were creating an unsafe environment and it was best that we'd live in seperate houses. I had the choice to have him live with mommy or live with daddy. I chose to have him live with me(he was thankful). He didn't question that further.. but he will.

I don't want to lie to him but I don't want to tell him the reality because it would only hurt him most. So again, what replies have you given your children that answers their questions to the best of your ability without actually giving them the dirty laundry?

Welllll, I can tell you what I tell Jack, it works for us..for now.

You're right, you have to tell him the truth, but you have to word it so that a child can understand, and not blame ANYONE for it. Kids loves their daddies no matter what. And if any negative word is said against their father, they will take it as a direct reflection on their own self-worth as a human being.

Jeremy is a meth addict, who takes anti-psychotic meds, he left years ago with no contact.

I tell Jack that his daddy is sick. He's too sick to call, to sick to come over and play. And if he gets lots of rest, and takes his medicine, he might get better someday and be able to come over.

It's not a lie, it's the truth. Jeremy is sick. He has an addiction that controls his life. Any man that would abandon his children is sick.

For Jack, it displaces all blame, he understands what it means to be sick. He knows that it's no one's fault. It also leaves the door open to Jeremy in case he someday gets his crap together and decides to be a father.

I've told Jeremy what I tell Jack. He's OK with it, and he understands as well. He said, "Yeah, go ahead and tell him that."

And when Jack grows to be an adult, he will remember what I told him, how I never badmouthed anyone, and I explained things the best way I could.

The tough question that Jack asks me now is "Do you love my daddy? Do you miss my daddy?"

That was so raw and horrible. I am sorry you both Jes and Commander Leftover, and the boys too.

tomany2count talked about choices, and how she has to deal with her children's pains. That hurt to read too because the kids then have a concept of accidents and finality which - darn it that could be frightening .

As for the absent parent by choice. I think it is fair to all to use use the word choices in explaining where that person is.

I understand shielding the children from the ugliest of stuff, but I use choices to explain to my son about his father.
Simple because I thought is would be better than creating a environment where he might create his own fantasy scenarios for explanation. I didn't want him to consider himself as some how a cause to the situation, or to create a warped view where the missing person becomes idolized as a victim of uncontrollable circumstances.
Explaining Choices good and bad really worked for us. It didn't victimize or vilify he father or I.

My little guy is almost 8 now and was 4 when I ended it with his dad . I kept it very simple and over time explained the explanation when he inquired.
He has done remarkably well. I count my blessings there daily.

You are doing great jobs with your kids, just keep loving them and letting them know you are always there.

I never used the word "choice", I didn't want to have to answer the questions that might have arose from that word. Specifically "WHY?"

I was afraid to hear, "Why does he choose not to see me?" I can't answer "why", without slinging dirt. Even if it's the cold hard truth...

It's funny because my best friend has a 7yo, who creates fantasies about her absent father. She'll go into daycare and say "My dad picked me up on his motorcycle, and took me rollarskating, and I fell on my bu++. Then he took me swimming at his swimming pool, and I got water up my nose."

Her mom got irritated with it, and said, "Do you want to see your dad's house?" She drove Ashley to a trailer park, and pointed out his run down shack, with garbage in the lawn.. It might not have been the kind of thing that the "mother of the year" would've done, but she felt her daughter needed to know..

Yes, Commander it does leave the door open to alot of why's, and that is scary.
I have yet to face too many specific questions for details.
Thank goodness.
I don't think I could give the cold harsh story.

I had to explain his father's total departure, and selling our house.

I was as honest as I felt comfortable with. AFter all he is super bright but was 4 -5 at the time.
I said that his father had made choices that were not healthy and safe for a family life. And that we had discussed it and that he was choosing to continue with those choices, so mommy had to make choices as well.
Ah, not perfect by any means but the situation was so bad that it was as kind as I could be.
We've had our bumps along the way.
I keep our home stable and happy. I think he is secure in that mom will always do what needs doing to keep him safe.

I never really had to explain to my boys the why about why we arent together. What I did have to explain is the why does Dad talk bad about you and so forth. Sometimes I look at my friend whos husband passed on and left her a single mom and envy her because she doesn't have to put up with being a single parent with the other still around and not being there. Sometimes it is easier when they aren't around. My mom always said to me when I was growing up that my dad just wasn't ready to be a dad and that didn't mean that he didn't love me it just meant that he wouldn't be able to be the kind of person that I needed. Something like that anyways. She never once mad mouthed him no matter how bad things got. Be honest with your kids, they know and they know that you have made a happy home.

For the first time in a long time almost eight months my ex came and got our ds who is fifteen sun until tues
It still breaks my heart
my kids are used to it
I never bad-mouthed their dad either and he has always access to them
the older they got they began to figure it out
they love him
I stopped worrying about it
that is who he is
our ds said he doesn't really care if he goes again
his choice
not mine or his dad's
kids eventually do get used to absentee parents whether it's mom or dad
as long as they know it isn't their fault
plenty of my friends want to see their kids
still puzzles me
why my ex is the way he is
his problem not mine
I just hope I get to walk our dd down the aisle one day
but if she wants her dad he should be honoured
kids are too precious a gift to ever take for granted
just love them
hug them bunches

It is very sad when a child asks why... is dad not here... why doesn't he come to see us... etc. I almost want to cringe when they do ask... They haven't asked for awhile thank goodness... For myself I just kept it to the truth... No harsh details, but the truth (as my kids experianced it as well, ex. he constantly lied to the kids and I, he abused the kids physically, etc.). I didn't tell them some things, like the cheating, etc. Just enough to say there are lots of reasons why and it's better with just us together right now as our family. Many people are in different situations then we are, and thats great. But I need my kids to understand why they cannot leave with daddy (there is a concern that he would try to kidnap them, although he hasn't tried to use his supervised visits in over a year and a half). So far they've done very well with this.... They are much happier children with him gone.