I am new, never done anything like this before. I feel embarrased of my feelings and am not sure I am justified in how I feel or if I am overreacting or what is goin on but I am very sad. Okay, here it goes.

I have a 5 year old son, he is the light of my life and I have him every Thurs.-Sun. I am dating someone who has a two year old. She is a little younger than I but I am in love with her and am hoping to marry her but I have one hang up that keeps reoccuring.

I sense my son often feeling sad because when it comes to the two boys, the younger ones always comes up on top. He is younger so everyone is always paying close attention to him and doting over him, which I assume is a natural behavior. The problem occurs, I think because my son is always the one repremanded, and always is more severly repremanded by my girlfriend then she reprimands her own child.

I then, compensate, I discipline the two year old..who indeed needs it. He runs the show accept when it comes to me, I don't let him get away with much, which makes me the heavy and neddless to say the two year old, I sense, wishes I wasn't around.

I wish that my girlfriend would give the same cuddles and love to my son as if it were her son, but she treats them both differently and I think my son can feel that...I can. It isn't all the time, but does happen. Is it to much to excpect of my girlfriend...am I too harsh with the little one? I just feel like my son gets left out and feels not as important, especiall to my girlfriend whom he adores.

The other challenge is , when I have in the past mentioned to my girlfriend that I felt she comes down on my son more than hers and that hers needs to have some boundaries and I can't be thhe only one who implements this, she doesn't agree with what i have to say. I am not suure what approach to take, oir maybe I am being to sensitive, but I am starting to resent the little one and the relationship.

Thanks for your advice.

MJA, welcome to the forum.
Since you say you love her and want this to work out for the long haul, is there anyway you both can talk with a counselor. An impartial third party to perhaps help you both come to compromises/ understanding of the feelings going on over this. That'd be my suggestion so that you are both together discussing this with someone and perhaps find a way to iron it out. It's not the easiest thing at times to blend families, disciplines, kids. But if that's the main issues you are having in your relationship I would think it worthwhile to look into getting a counselor to talk to both of you at once, and look for some insight that way at how to come to an agreement where the kids/discipline are concerned. Otherwise those resentments could keep building and carrying over into other areas of the relationship.
It may seem like a pat answer, "see a counselor" but since you've tried talking with her about it and you are still in disagreement, talking together with a third party is just the next step I see to try to work past this.
Best wishes.

I was told once that it takes a very special kind of person to want to raise someone else's child. If she's trying, and you love her, I believe you can work things out.... but it's going to take a LOT of communication, and some compromise.

I'm answering your question under the assumption that you and your girlfriend are fairly serious, and that you may even be living together.

As far as discipline, in my opinion the two of you need to sit down and write out household rules that are acceptable to both of you. Some people may disagree, and say you should each handle discipline for your own kids; I disagree. I think that if the 4 of you are to be a family, you need to start by sharing responsibility for the kids.
Written rules and agreement on how to discipline will go a long way towards making this a less emotional issue, and more an intellectual one. Most likely, you both have some opinions on raising your kids that the other can benefit from. The rules will not be exactly the same for both (they can't be, for a 2 yr old and a 5 yr old!) but they will be consistent no matter which of you is there.

As for how she treats the boys other than discipline, well, that will be harder. You can't make her love him. I do think it's sad to be in a serious relationship with someone and not love that person's child as your own, but many people don't. That may come in time. She may cuddle the 2 year old more because, well, he's two And he'll likely stay still longer, cuddle more, etc. That's fine, but in my opinion she should also find a way to spend some special one on one time with your son.

You probably have several issues here. Your son (I assume) is an only child... so he's not used to having another kid taking some of the attention at home. Just be patient with that, and work to cultivate a relationship between him and your girlfriend's daughter. Also, some of the time reprimands should be stronger for your son - after all, our expectations corrolate to age; your son should know better for many things which the 2 year old is far from learning. Explain that, but explain that he also gets more priviledges being older.

It's possible that she just doesn't understand what the expectations ARE for a 5 year old. You said she's younger, but I don't know if that means she's a young mother, although I am assuming that she only has the 2 year old. I have a 2 yo myself, and I wouldn't know WHAT to do with a 5 yr old! I'm learning, but I'm barely keeping up with my daughter, let alone understanding development and behavior several years ahead. My ex boyfriend has a 15 year old (10 when we met, 12 when I moved in), and I do love her every bit as much as my own daughter.... but if I hadn't had a chance to get to know her and understand where she was in life and develop a strong relationship with her before I had my own child, I'm sure it would have been harder.

Make sure you're spending a good amount of time alone with your son when he visits. He needs to see that he is still your priority (it is clear that he IS, I'm just saying to be sure it's clear to him).

Try not to resent the child; it's not his fault - I'm sure he's a perfectly normal, adorable 2 year old. If you're working on getting your girlfriend to treat your son as her own, you can't STOP treating hers as your own!

You sound like a wonderful father, and I hope things work out for you!

Hi MJA and welcome :welcome: I honestly think your feeling are quite normal and understandable. I have to say that Don pretty well took the type off my keyboard.
Step kids are tough at times. I have 2 and it is different from your own. The one thing I had a very hard time with was the disciplin. I honestly feel you should not dicipline her child and she should not discipline yours. I also know that can be very difficult at times. Believe me I have been there.
I think pre-marrital counseling is always a good idea. It just makes sure you both are on the same page with important things like money and kids. Especially if you are starting to get hard feelings.

Best of luck and hope to see you around. We need a few more good men.

Wow, I just came back to this to read other responses, and I think I "talk" too much!

I really appreciate all of the insight and help...I didn't think anyone would repond to me. It is difficult because yoiu do want the other person to love your child just as much as theres but I guess that is too much to ask. But then is it resonable to expect the 5 year old to be a big brother? James (my son) loves them both so much and it is sad to see him feel left out at times. And I love the two year old, but he doesn't care for me because I take mommy away. So it is different in that way. Anyway, thank you for all of your advice, I will pursue the counseling idea because I think it would help and I know she would be open to it. I am pleased to know there are people out there who are dealing with similar issues and I thank you all for your input.

One final comment, in response to what you just said (you know, because I didn't already write a book on this... if you can't tell, this is a topic I feel strongly about).

You are obviously a wonderful, caring man, and it sounds like you love your girlfriend's son as your own. You KNOW it is possible to do so.... so don't accept less for yourself or your own son!

Counseling sounds like a great idea, especially if you are both open to it... sif she's willing to do that, you know she's trying to make this work for everyone, so I believe that it will.

MJA, I don't think it is to much to ask for a step parent to love their step kids. I love mine and have a very close relationship with them. After my husband died their Mom tried to keep them out of our lives and a judge changed that. They have visitation with Grandparents every Wed. and with me every other weekend court ordered. I love them with all my heart and if anything happened I would do anything for them, just like my own.
On that note I have to realize my boundries with them. I can only go so far in their up bringing because they have a Mom. This is a very difficult balance to come to and maintain. Part of what you are seeing may not be that your girlfriend does not care, but a need to separate from your son a little because he does have a mother.
I would not expect your son to be a big brother to her boy, but I definately would not stop it. Let them come to their own relationship. This is so even with full siblings. They are going to work out their own relationships and how they work, we just kind of guide them through the rough areas.
I have a 2 year old foster child and an 18 month old daughter (my own) Those 2 are like sisters. One would never know they are not related the way they care for each other. Then I have a 3 year old (mine) that is so protective of them both. The best way I know how to say it they have to come to their own pecking order.
I believe you love her son too, and I think maybe you are realizing your boundries and limitations with him. You both have chosen a tough road, but one that can be walked smoothly if the right steps are taken first.
I hope I was of some help. I wish you lots. I hope things work out and counseling goes well. Keep us posted.
Lots of prayers.

Hi MJA
I hope that I may not be out of place but it touched me a little with the remark you made "And I love the two year old, but he doesn't care for me because I take mommy away"

When I started my realtionship with my boyfriend, it was basically on my son's 3rd birthday. AS the mother of my child, I could tell my son seemed to resent my boyfriend, but I never addressed it because it never got out of hand. My son did not give my boyfriend any affection nor the time of the day. Now I have been with my BF for over a year and half now. My son is now coming of age that he doesn't tend to act jealous because some one is taking his mommy away. My son acted that way with those who were close to me, especially if they were male, sometimes I think it is just a mommy-son bond that has been created by raising him in a single parent household. Now my son is very open with my BF. It has come a long way...so do not stray away and feel so hurt if the 2 year old acts this way, give him time, he is two and he himself does not understand all the feelings he has.
Now with the whole overall situation you have, I have to agree with everyone else about counseling. You do owe it to yourself and your son to be fair and honest with yourself. No matter how it is said, you two are a package deal, do not let something come between something so sacred, sometimes love can not always be the healthiest (not saying it is unhealthy with your GF) but sometimes there are some people out there who may not understand or have not learned yet, but you have to ask yourself is this how it will always be? can we work on it? do I feel MY son deserves better?
I sometimes have to forget about myself and do what is best for my son (and his overall well-being) even if it has had to break my heart(which I have had to do, because we were not accepted as a package deal).

I am sorry I have rambled and I hope I may not have offended you or anyone else...I guess I am a firm believer that ALL children are blessings/gifts from God no matter how he puts them in your lives and I would be blessed to have them in my family...I see it as being a gift to love another child. I can not treat another child differently because they are not my blood, they are still innocent creatures who need all the love from those that surround them