quote:

Originally posted by Barbara Rose:
[qb]From the syndicated column: Success After Divorce by Barbara Rose

Success After Divorce

Mine, Yours, and Ours

How to Succeed in a Blended Family



I was a child of parents who went through a bitter divorce when I was five years old. Because of my parents� hatred toward each other, I felt afraid to express love toward either of them in the other�s presence.

When my biological father refused to pay child support and moved to another state, I felt worthless. I internalized his leaving as �Daddy abandoned me.� I wondered, �What is wrong with me?�

When my mother expressed her rage about my father in front of me or showed him disrespect in my presence, I felt torn. �Whose side am I supposed to take?� I wondered. I thought, �If Mom and Dad hate each other and if I�m not loyal to the one I am with, then maybe they will hate me too.�

The phrase �Honor thy mother and thy father� is universal. In blended families, it is particularly important for the children to feel connected to their roots and to learn how to honor and preserve their heritage.

Children usually identify with both parents and have strong feelings for both. Therefore, when parents divorce, it is only natural for children to feel torn.

When one parent shows bitterness and disrespect toward the other, the children internalize this as if they are not worthy of the honor and respect both parents are entitled to.

My second father adopted me when I was six, and I didn�t receive counseling to adjust to the traumatic loss of my biological father. My parents swept the entire situation under the rug as if my natural father had never existed. As a result of not receiving that much needed counseling, I secretly felt isolated and sad much of the time.

Little children don�t know how to communicate their feelings. Moreover, they are afraid to rock the boat. I certainly was. So I kept it all inside. As a result, my sense of self-worth decreased steadily with each passing year. And this led to rebelliousness, confusion, and deep depression during my teenage years.

Now, my children have divorced parents. After my brutal and unwarranted custody battle, they live with their dad and stepmother.

I would give anything in the world to give my children the gift of open, civil, cordial, and friendly communication between their dad and his wife and me. Unfortunately, their dad won�t allow any communication whatsoever.

I see the sadness in my son�s eyes when his dad is rude to me in front of him. As an adult, I can take it. But it hurts me to the core to see my son internalizing this and feeling that he needs to take sides in order to cope with it.

Our children�s feelings, their emotional and psychological well being, must come before our own adult ego battles. Both parents should show courtesy and respect toward each other no matter how much they don�t want to. Ideally, family celebrations could be shared with the entire extended and blended family.

This concept of courtesy and respect is crucial because it sets an example of psychological health for our children. If one parent buys a child a gift, it becomes the property of the child. When parents do not allow their children to bring any thing they desire to the home of their other parent, the children receive the message that this thing is more important than they are.

The only guideline for succeeding as a blended family is to honor the feelings of the children first. Put yourself in their shoes, and then ask yourself how you think they will feel as a result of your words and actions.

Their natural mother and father must be honored, simply because the children came from both equally. If you resist doing this, seek private counseling or take a course on healthy, effective communication after divorce. Obviously, if you still resist showing respect to your child�s other parent, you have not yet realized that you must do this not for you but for your child.

As a parent, your most important job is to raise children who are shining with self-esteem. When you show courtesy and respect to your children�s other parent � as difficult as this may be for you to do � your children will internalize the message that they are worthy and deserving of respect as well. And you will have given them a most valuable gift: self-worth.

Barbara Rose, author of: Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life, and If God Was Like Man, brings through profound information to create the highest vision of your life. Her nationally praised seminars, articles, column: Success after Divorce, books and award winning website have helped uplift thousands of lives. She is the founder of American People for Family Justice � Child Legislation, which is dedicated to protecting the rights of children via legislation.

[URL=http://www.borntoinspire.*** ]Born to Inspire[/URL][EMAIL]barbara*borntoinspire.*** [/EMAIL] [IMG]http://www.borntoinspire.*** /images/300_18_success_after_divorce_logo_300.jpg[/IMG][/qb]

quote:

Originally posted by Barbara Rose:
[qb]From the syndicated column: Success After Divorce by Barbara Rose

Success After Divorce

Mine, Yours, and Ours

How to Succeed in a Blended Family



I was a child of parents who went through a bitter divorce when I was five years old. Because of my parents� hatred toward each other, I felt afraid to express love toward either of them in the other�s presence.

When my biological father refused to pay child support and moved to another state, I felt worthless. I internalized his leaving as �Daddy abandoned me.� I wondered, �What is wrong with me?�

When my mother expressed her rage about my father in front of me or showed him disrespect in my presence, I felt torn. �Whose side am I supposed to take?� I wondered. I thought, �If Mom and Dad hate each other and if I�m not loyal to the one I am with, then maybe they will hate me too.�

The phrase �Honor thy mother and thy father� is universal. In blended families, it is particularly important for the children to feel connected to their roots and to learn how to honor and preserve their heritage.

Children usually identify with both parents and have strong feelings for both. Therefore, when parents divorce, it is only natural for children to feel torn.

When one parent shows bitterness and disrespect toward the other, the children internalize this as if they are not worthy of the honor and respect both parents are entitled to.

My second father adopted me when I was six, and I didn�t receive counseling to adjust to the traumatic loss of my biological father. My parents swept the entire situation under the rug as if my natural father had never existed. As a result of not receiving that much needed counseling, I secretly felt isolated and sad much of the time.

Little children don�t know how to communicate their feelings. Moreover, they are afraid to rock the boat. I certainly was. So I kept it all inside. As a result, my sense of self-worth decreased steadily with each passing year. And this led to rebelliousness, confusion, and deep depression during my teenage years.

Now, my children have divorced parents. After my brutal and unwarranted custody battle, they live with their dad and stepmother.

I would give anything in the world to give my children the gift of open, civil, cordial, and friendly communication between their dad and his wife and me. Unfortunately, their dad won�t allow any communication whatsoever.

I see the sadness in my son�s eyes when his dad is rude to me in front of him. As an adult, I can take it. But it hurts me to the core to see my son internalizing this and feeling that he needs to take sides in order to cope with it.

Our children�s feelings, their emotional and psychological well being, must come before our own adult ego battles. Both parents should show courtesy and respect toward each other no matter how much they don�t want to. Ideally, family celebrations could be shared with the entire extended and blended family.

This concept of courtesy and respect is crucial because it sets an example of psychological health for our children. If one parent buys a child a gift, it becomes the property of the child. When parents do not allow their children to bring any thing they desire to the home of their other parent, the children receive the message that this thing is more important than they are.

The only guideline for succeeding as a blended family is to honor the feelings of the children first. Put yourself in their shoes, and then ask yourself how you think they will feel as a result of your words and actions.

Their natural mother and father must be honored, simply because the children came from both equally. If you resist doing this, seek private counseling or take a course on healthy, effective communication after divorce. Obviously, if you still resist showing respect to your child�s other parent, you have not yet realized that you must do this not for you but for your child.

As a parent, your most important job is to raise children who are shining with self-esteem. When you show courtesy and respect to your children�s other parent � as difficult as this may be for you to do � your children will internalize the message that they are worthy and deserving of respect as well. And you will have given them a most valuable gift: self-worth.

Barbara Rose, author of: Individual Power: Reclaiming Your Core, Your Truth, and Your Life, and If God Was Like Man, brings through profound information to create the highest vision of your life. Her nationally praised seminars, articles, column: Success after Divorce, books and award winning website have helped uplift thousands of lives. She is the founder of American People for Family Justice � Child Legislation, which is dedicated to protecting the rights of children via legislation.

[URL=http://www.borntoinspire.*** ]Born to Inspire[/URL][EMAIL]barbara*borntoinspire.*** [/EMAIL] [IMG]http://www.borntoinspire.*** /images/300_18_success_after_divorce_logo_300.jpg[/IMG][/qb]