My ex abandoned us when my son was in the womb. I met my current husband when my son was 2.5. He was worthy of my son and I loved him so I married him. Only now has my son's biological father expressed a desire to be with his son but it seems more out of defending his title as "father" rather than what is in the best interest of the child. My husband has done right by my son and considers him his son as well or I should say loves him as his own. My husband and I are on the same page on all the important issues regarding child rearing. He is a patient and understanding man and I'm the loud impatient one. Every step of the way my ex tries to undermind me and my ex. He is constantly filling my 4 year old's head with lies and concerning him with adult issues. I've tried talking with him many times only for him to become verbally abusive and in front of my son. I am at my wits end. I have brought this before the court only for it to be dismissed. I feel so bad that my son is subjected to this confusion. I have no idea what to do anymore....

The confusion is also coming from you. The father is the father. You can't change blood. The father's motivations should not be your concern. I have an old thread right here in this room about that very issue."Step dad by name or "daddy"". I received a lot of great opinions and advice in it.

I suggest you concentrate on your family and continue what you have been doing. Don't stress the parenting issues with your son and in my opinion, don't force him to call his step-father anything other than what the child is comfortable with.

A father isn't the one who was there at conception. A father is the one who is there for every moment for the next 18 years. No matter what he's called.

looney,
I have to agree with JD. Your son will know who is "Dad" is with a little time. Keep your enviroment safe for your son to express his concerns and all with come out in the wash.

I do have a question. You said when you discussed things with your sons father he got abusive in front of your son. Why are you starting the conversation with your son there? You also mentioned the adult issues. These are adult issues that should be resulved when your son is no where around. If he is in the room he is listening.
Best wishes, God bless.

Well, I agree with the above posters to a point. JD there is sensitive to this (and with good reason) but in JD's case he has been there for his daughter the whole time...your ex has not. I do however see where you are coming from as to your abandonment and the real father. You are angry about that and feel he abandoned his rights already. The fact is though that he is the bio dad and has a right to want a relationship with his son if he wants.

I guess you have to put yourself in your ex's shoes and see if you can make sense out of where he is coming from. No matter the case....the real dad does deserve a chance to be the father to his son if he wants to do that. You can't change who the dad is. He has every right to want a relationship and if you try to stop that it will only come to light when your son is older. He will learn who is who in time. I would have to say there that you are the one causing the confusion with that. While your son may want to still call the step-dad dad....your ex has a right to try to be the dad too. No matter what his past mistakes have been. (provided he isn't abusing in some way)

Whatever the case you should never discuss or bring up this subject in front of the son. The son may be asking his real dad questions and the real dad is simply answering them. Your son comes home and wants to confirm that. You should confirm the truth and not get defensive about it. He is the dad....and the step is a dad too...how lucky for your son to have 2 dads. Some kids don't have any. Why do you think your ex has nothing to contribute to his son's life? Is he a horrible man?

I agree with you both. I didn't express myself well, I shoudl have posted vent next to my post. I never discuss any adult issue with or in front of my son with anyone. And from the get go I have always wished for my ex to be a part of my sons life. Furthermore I wish the man the best b/c if he is happy and healthy it is better for "our" son. However this is not a perfect world I realize. My ex is not coming from the perspective of what is inthe best interest of our son. Because talking a.k.a. communicating doesn't work between us, it always results in he not being realistic to the point of delusional and I am not exaggerating!I try but when I disagree with him, i.e. putting my son on an airplane unsupervised depending on the airline stewardess...he gets violently angry and interprets it as I don't want my son to see him which at that time was not the case. Um, car seats...he does't think the law applies to him...I beg him to put our son in the backseat and seatbelt him in. He lies to me and then I drive by and there is my son shotgun waiting for an airbag to go off, he interprets it as me being controlling. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I worry for my son's physical safety he just turned 4. As far as emotional verbal abuse, I try to stear clear of him at all costs, even inovked my parents to be at the transition at hand-offs, he just starts even in front of my parents or whoever and I try to remove myself from the situation or diffuse it any way I know how but inevitably he fires shots off. He will physically pop into my work during one of his visits with my son, with an agenda already in his head and because most times I'm confined to my desk and I can't remove myself and one time he said point black to my son not once but 3x, Jeff f's your mother! Rather than fight I told him to leave and threatened to call the police if he did not. As far as the step-dad, my son chose to call Jeff Dad on his own and came up with it on his own there was absolutely no discussion. I don't know where he got it maybe from school??? Either way he can call him whatever he wants it's no matter to us. But it drives my ex crazy and he starts in with Jeff is not your father I am , I married your mother bla bla bla and somewhere I gotta draw the line otherwise this kid is going to end up brainwashed. (By the way my ex is Arabic and Muslim and pounds some of the stereotypes into my sons head). One morning we are driving along and all of a sudden I hear there is not god but Allah....LOL I'm thinking are you kidding me this kis isn't even 4 yet...So I say Allah is the Arabic word for God and yes David there is only one....When he starts in on one dad versus two I say you have two and arent' you a lucky little boy, some boys have one or even one...that is how I get around it, i try to expound the subject not directly negate my ex..I do put myself in his position and I understand it is threatening. But this man was married to me for 8 years, he knows me and he knows better. I was married to this man for 8 years and I know him, this is a pride issue for him and although he loves David it's in the favorite uncle context and good time Charlie, it's not the paternal , secure, consistent parent love. Otherwise he would have never left and he would behave in a manner consistent for not confusing his son. I am not bitter, this is not a contest for me, all I want is peace for him to move on, grow up and not confuse the baby!
And if he's made choices he feels guilty about it' son him and he's gotta learn to accept responsiblity for his actions instead of blaming me if the sky is blue! I hope this sheds some light. you know this guy is pure chaos and how does one deal with chaos?????? It' slike the Germany world cup soccer team who plays textbook soccer versus Brazil who plays chaotic soccer...Germany will never win by the book b/c there are so many permutations of chaos!!! Believe me I try.

I'm sure that you do try. Honestly I know what kind of behavior you are speaking about. The only thing I can tell you is maybe you need to put your son in councelling. Not because at this point he needs it, but because the psychologist can give you tips and pointers on how to communicate with your ex, and also give your son someone unbiased to talk to without fearing that he is making someone mad or upset. I'm sure your son feels and knows he can talk to you but believe me child psychologists can get things out of them that he may not tell you or your ex.

My daughter's child psychologist gave me many pointers and literature about my ex's personality. I was able to better understand my situation and found ways to get my point across to my ex and be of more help in alleviating my daughter's confusion. She is now 13yrs. old. I can honestly say that it helped me a great deal, and it helped my daughter then too.

I have had my own recent fallbacks with my ex. I am trying to find my literature again and refresh my memory on how to deal with my ex. but until you realize that your ex isn't going to change...YOU are the one that has to change something if you want to have that peace for your son. Sorry but true...Your ex doesn't see himself as having the problem.

You have a long way to go...many years. I suggest getting a good child psychologist specializing in family issues. Like it or not...your ex is part of the family.

yep i was starting to come to that conclusion thanks for reinforcing it, sorry that you too have had to deal with it as well!

There is a book called. "How one of you can bring the two of you together" It is for married folks but it might help. It helps teach different ways of handling things. Even though your emotions are the same changing your reaction to change his reaction and so on.
God Bless.