My question goes out to parents who are flesh and blood parents. I am a step father
I married a woman with a child. When I married I had to count the cost of becoming
a step parent. I love my wife and I love her daughter. I want to say I love our daughter,
but this is where my question begins. My wife and I agreed to share parenting equaly
before we married, but this has not been the case. My step daughter is 5 I have been in her life since she was 2. It seems to me I
have been the father to her for most of her life. This is the time of life where values are learned. I feel I am only aloud to be a parent when it suits my wife. When I disipline it is offen revoked in from of our
daughter by my wife. I am aloud to do activities with her only if my wife does not already have an agenda set for her. My plans are secondary my disipline is challanged.
The question...
How can a healthy family form if I am forced to be a second class father ?
As flesh and blood parents, please tell me why it is so difficult recognize this damaging trait and let go ?

Father who feels like furnature.

WOW! I am a single mother of 2 daughters, and I have a fience' that I have lived with for almost 1 1/2 yrs, he is a father of 3 daughters. He and I have a thing that if we tell the girls something, they will listen and respect each other,and do what they said. If we have a quam about what was done, then we go behind closed doors, and discuss it, but never in front of the children. I feel your wife is going down a path that will be very distructive later in the girls life when she knows how to get around you and get what she wants. I hope you and your wife can discuss this and come to a understanding with no arguments and with understanding. All my best wishes go out to you and your family.
Holly

Tom
I am with Holly on this. You and your wife need to sit down and have a serious talk. My fiance and I have done the same as Holly we sat down and discussed how we wanted to discipline the children and that we would never challenge the other parent in front of the children. As Holly said this is done behind closed doors. You must always present a united front with your children.

It seems to me that there may be a real lack of communication if she has made plans with the little one and you don't know about it. These issues need to be addressed soon before it gets more destructive. In a loving way with no accusations. Good Luck Tom.
Lugana

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http://www.helpingmomsstayhome.com/kdorie

How did it work out...

Where you ever able to smooth things?

Hard one, wish I could wave a magic wand sometimes like now.

Hang in there

Hi Tom,

I agree that you need to talk to your spouse (privately) but before you do you might want to consider what your frustration is really about. Is this about wanting what's best for your child or a power struggle with your spouse that (really)has nothing to do with the kiddo? I only ask because I felt a lot of underlying anger in your post (I may be totally off base but that's how it sounded to me).

I'm guessing here but as a single parent (and I'm only speaking for myself) I know my sense of protectiveness goes into overdrive where my children are concerned. That may (or may not) be operating here for your wife (you need to ask her that one -- if you do, for what my opinion is worth and you are certainly free to ignore me, take this one verrrry carefully). Another possibility is that there is some guilt operating. Again, I'm only speaking about my experience but I know for myself that I feel a tremendous amount of guilt about participating in my marriage breakdown (obviously it would be best to let that stuff go but that's sometimes easier said than done). My point (yep there is one) is that your wife may be "protecting" her child from you in order to look good in the eyes of her child. Just to clarify I get that you've been fulfilling the father role but at some level she may still think of your daughter as hers.

Also, at the end of the day, unless your wife asks for your participation it's really not your place to discipline. That's not to say that you let the kiddo walk all over you but I suspect it would help resolve the tension in your household if you got clear about what roles you are both to play.

Hope that helps (or at least gets you thinking). By the by, I think it's fantastic you care so much about your daughter that you want to provide her with appropriate boundaries. I think kids need that to feel safe (and loved). Good luck!

M

Hi
What your wife is doing is totally wrong,you are an adult and the child is under the care of both of you.You should definetly be involved in all the aspects of her life and that includes discipline if and when needed.
If your wife revokes your discipline in front or even behind you with out a private discussion it shows a lack of respect for you and you can bet the child will pick up on that.
When I was divorced from my wife,I had a chat with her step father to be about discipline and explained that I wanted him to discipline when required.I also explained the difference between discipline and abuse.
I wish you luck your going to need it down the road if you and your wife cant come up with a resolution concerning this problem

I am in the same boat..i am a single mom engaged to a wonderful man. He been in my son life since he was 2 (a very good father figure), But theres thing "He" doesn't realise, I told him if my son do wrong.."time out" or a "smack on the hand". Well, he did smack him on his hand...but he did it infront of his friends , which is VERY VERY disrespectful and embrassing. I was soo upset, he made out like my son is a bad kid infront of his friends...

Its been 2 yrs hes in my son life and hes still learning...Hes a great father figure and we have a wonderful family, But He needs to realise that kids have emotions and respect them infront of other and they will repsect you. You sre their role model..and they look up to you (step parent).

The original post is a bit old... but this is an interesting topic.

When I met my ex husband, he had a daughter. She was 2 years old. I never got to be her Mom. And the sad part is, it wasn't so much because she had a Mom, it was because my husband never let me. He said he wanted me to be... but that only worked if I did what HE wanted me to do.

I decided to be sort of like an aunt to her. I stopped trying to be a parent. I defended her, was there to listen, we all went places together as a family, but I did not try to "Mother" her.

I can not tell you if that was right or wrong, but I can say - It was the only way I could deal with the situation. We are very close now, and she comes over all the time. She even lives with me off and on when she needs a place to park her stuff ( she's 21 now).

While I did not get to be her Mom, I got to have her in my life, and she is a beautiful & wonderful person. We are family, and that's enough for me!

I have yet to enter into this situation as a single parent... or have my ex bring someone "visibly" into the picture -- so I can only speak from what I experienced as a step-mom.

SadlyMom...

Does your fianc� have any children of his own? The guy I'm dating told me, he and his last girl friend broke up because she didn't like the way he disciplined the kids. I'm worried about what will happen, when I finally do find a wonderful man. It sounds like you have it well under control!

I am sad to say that my wife and I have decided to separate after 3 years of attempting to blend a family. She brought 2 teenage sons into my house where I was raising a young son and a teenage daughter. That it was difficult is an understatement.

Her sons made it clear they did not want to be in this family. In fact, her older son, who was 13 at the time, said explicitly that "I will break you guys up." Unfortunately, his mother does not believe in counseling and refused to give him consequences for any of his actions such as breaking a hole in a door, stealing, swearing, bullying my son and even hitting his own mother!

After a year of my own children being witness to this, I eventually had to put my foot down and insist that he go back to live with his biological father, who had all the while been playing the "It would be much better with me" card at every opportunity.

Unfortunately, while this settled things down for a few months, the learned behavior of her younger son started getting worse. He, too, bullied my son, punching him in the eye, the mouth and other places. He also told me to "f*** off" when I asked him to do a chore he didn't want to do, but which my own younger children had to do regularly. He received no consequences from his mother for any of these, who "protected" him because she didn't want him to go to live with his biological father as well.

The worst time was when I had stated he could not play his drums one particular night (becasue it was Thanksgiving) and that he could play them the following night. (Don't ask me why his mother bought him a drum set since we live in a small house with hardly any insulation between walls and floors.) His response to my request was to go to my computer and delete by work files! His consequence? Nothing. "It's not a big deal!" said his mother. He even asked that since he couldn't play his drums, could he get a ride to teh skateboard park across town. "Certainly," his mother said, and drove his there immediately. Later, when they got back, I asked him if he was going to do that to my computer again, wondering if he had learned anything from the incident. "Sure," he told me coldly. "If you ever try to take anything away from me again." When I told my wife about what he said, she was upset with me, saying, "Oh, you're just being too hard on him! He's a good boy!"

Of course, his behavior just got worse over the next several months, and my kids and I have been on the receiving end of much abuse. I have been put down by my stepson and his mother in front of my own children, and finally I have had enough.

We're still living in the same (stressful) household but are beginning legal proceedings to un-blend this family, although it was never really blended or a family.

I can sympathize with step-dads who are treated like furniture, or worse. It's not fun for me, but I care more about what it has done to my own children, who have witnessed atrocious behavior and likely will be mimicking it any time soon.

grumpy ...

Yikes! I think you waited too long to get out of that situation. The biggest factor I see is the mother's refusal to admit the need for counseling. Children with that much anger and resentment inside need help, and the sooner the better... The mom is ignoring the behavior and by doing so - is not doing her boys any favors!

I feel sorry for these boys... and worry they will grow up to be abusive husbands!

I am glad to hear you are getting out now. I think you should look into counseling for your children... to work at un-doing the damage - and teaching them that this bad behavior is wrong.

Hugss

Hi grumpy and welcome,

Sad situation but there seems to be a cycle going on there and you won't be able to change it. Best do what you're going to do.

Stop in for more support anytime.