I would like some input from step-parents concerning an issue that has been a thorn in my side for some time. My x insists that my 11yr. old daughter call her step father "daddy". My daughter and I are very close and bonded so I'm not concerned for my identity, but I feel this is just wrong. I'm very active in her life. On one occassion, right in front of me, my x got angry with her when she referred to him by name and then blamed me for calling by his name. How do you step-parents and parents feel about this subject?

I do not think a child should call anyone else mom or dad unless 1) they are the child's parents or 2) the child decides to do it themselves.

I had a step father and always called him by is name. We had a good relationship but he was not my father. My father was deceased.

My oldest child however chose to refer to my ex as daddy (my youngest child's father) but never called her own father daddy. She used his name. He hated it, but she did not call him daddy because he had not been there to be her daddy.

Your ex is wrong on this in my opinion. He needs to be made to understand that until the child is ready, he will have to accept the fact that she does not call him daddy. ( or whomever it is)

Jaysdad,
You are right, they are wrong. But, I think if you can't change the ex's insistance on the step father being called "daddy" then have a conversation with your daughter. Let her know that you understand that they want her to call the man "daddy" and that you won't be mad at her or have your feelings hurt if she does. That it doesn't change anything between you and her.
Maybe it would save her a little heartache.
Gwen

Thanks Gwen,
I often tell her to keep mommy happy.(mommy has a temper) You reminded me of that aspect that i always forget. My own feelings. I will tell her that I won't be mad and really that's rare(anger towards her). VERY rare.
Anyone else? I'm all ears.I mean eyes I guess.

Just in agreement with the ladies on this. It SHOULD be something that the child feels comfortable with, and that the step parent earned over time and trust. Though you can't change your ex's views, assuring your daughter as to your feelings might help her situation.

It really isn't uncommon for a stepchild to refer to both as mom or dad. My 22 yr old has 2 dads. He earned it.

I have strong feelings on this subject. My mom was a single mom from the time I was 1 1/2 to the time I was almost 9. She forced me to stop calling my step-father by his name and call him dad. My younger brother didn't have a problem doing that, but I didn't like him and thought that I shouldn't have to call him. I would get in trouble for calling him by his name. I did eventually cave in and call him dad, but he has always been there for me. I don't think it is right to force a child call a step-parent anything that they aren't ready for. I would insist that the child be respectful, but never force them to call him daddy. That is a special right that is earned not given away. You don't want her to make mommy mad or think that she is hurting your feelings. Just encourage her to be respectful whatever she does. Just out of curiousity, did your ex think you should call her new man daddy, too? You said she blamed you because you called him by name, so I was just wondering. I know this probably doesn't help, but thought I would throw my 2 cents in the hat.

oops... just to clarify,
my daughter made the "error" in front of her mom and I, but I got yelled at because I'm not supposed to say anything about it. Really I normally don't bother but it does eat at me. It's like mom is programming her and I want her to grow naturally. My girl and I are very close so I'm not worried about losing my identity. My girl knows who "daddy" is. If I was a deadbeat dad, I could understand, but I've been there since I carried her from the delivery room to her first nursery. Just a note: I still have that first "blankey". She's almost 11 now. Thanks all for the input. Keep it up.

Out of curiousity, I'm assuming they must be married? How long has he been in her life? Not that it really makes a difference, as I still think it should be something the child should grow to be comfortable with regardless of how long that may take. Just trying to gauge how fast of time frame your ex is trying to push this issue I suppose.

You know, I'm not that sure. I think three years but if you ask my x she says they've been together since my girl was two. I plainly remember her third birthday(the last one we worked on together)and he wasn't in the picture yet. On a side note, my x is not pleasant at times( I'm being very polite here)and I remember having to hide my girlfriend at the time and this man showed up real quick after she found out about my love interest. Maybe two weeks later.She only found out because my child learned to talk. God love her! That's my girl!

Well I still say, that even had they been together since she was 2 and 11? now, for 9 years, it doesn't make my answer change. I guess I was just wondering how soon a time frame your ex was pushing for him to be called "daddy". Maybe it stems from her wishing they had grown to have that sort of bond. But she can't create that, especially through "force". That's only something that can evolve between children and their step parents, and will still never replace the bond between a good biological parent and their child.

Her bond with me is stronger than even that of her mothers yet her mom keeps pushing. The latest axe to be thrown at me was the other night, with her mom in the background coaching, telling me that she has to listen to "her parents" as if she is talking to a stranger. My girl is smart though. She keeps mom happy but her last words to me are "I love you more"

I think and feel your daughter is old enough to speak for herself and should not have to play games to satisfy her mother.The most important aspect here is Jayd and what she is comfortable with.She has the bond with you and knows that your daddy.She should not be forced to do something that she is not comfortable with.I suggest as a Canadian,that a childrens lawyer could help Jayd out with this and other issues.I had a childrens lawyer appointed for my 2 children and they were only 2 and 4 at the time.Another suggestion would be some kinda of counselling for Jayd,so she could speak to someone about her feelings/concerns and pressures.This can be done and arranged through the school board.
This is just my opinion though.
Take care and good luck

Do you suggest I speak with her teacher?

I suggest that you speak with the principal of the school and find out what resources they have.In the board my 2 children attend there are two different resources that visit the school.My son was 4 at the time and they worked with him through play and picture drawings,it was amazing what they got out of him this way.But the nice and great thing is Jayd is 11 and she can speak her mind.She would greatly benefit from something like this.

One other note.....there are resources outside the school board that you need to check out too,that work with children on separation and divorce issues.