Well ladies,
I thank you all for the input. Keep it coming.

Jayd and I are very close. Mommy has a fantasy about the white picket fence and two dogs and all that. She knows I don't like being underminded but I keep my cool and express myself then leave it. The irony here is that mommy gets mad at me and my girl even when J slips up and calls the stepdad by name. When I remind Jayd(not that I ever really have to) that I'm her father, her mother will even tell me to "stop telling her that." As if. Mom at the best of times is very difficult. There is more going on right now,even after ten years, and I'm just waiting for it to play out before posting more.

Thanks moms. keep it up.

Oh schoolmommy, thanks for the advice but unfortunately, "pacification" is the only way of protecting Jayd. I've always told her all her life to keep mommy happy and this helps keep the peace.

So sad. I feel sorry for Jayd. Mommy sounds very unfair. What ever happened to "the child's best interest"? I feel like so many people are all about themselves now-a-days. MAybe it is nothing new.

Jaydsdad,

not sure if this was already suggested...

What does the man, your Ex's husband, say about it ?

Does he not have a word to say ?

Even if you don't have the best of relationships, it might be worth discussing, between men.

I actually know a family where the daughter calls her biological father Daddy-Michael and her step father Daddy.
That is, since her mom got re-married and since she has a new step brother. Before that it was Daddy-Michael, and Ray (the step father's first name).
She has a good relationship to both her Dads, but the biological father is really kinda the dead beat type, so she loves him to pieces, but realized at a very young age (she's still only 7 now), that she can only rely on her Mom and her step Dad.

I believe it kind of makes (step-) family life easier if the siblings have the same appellation (probably not an english word ?, I mean same 'name') for their Dad.

But I also believe, this should first come from the children, or the appellation 'Dad' becomes kind of less valuable.
The child says 'Dad' but does not mean the same thing, if it's the Dad of her heart or the Dad she's forced to call that way.

I you ask me, I think it's plain stupid to force something of the type on a teenager, it's REALLY looking for trouble.
It can actually worsen, and jeopardize the relationship to her step Dad.

Tell him that.

Well I asked my girl the other night if mommy still gets mad if she doesn't call the step-dad, "daddy". She says yes but then adds, "but you're daddy #1 and he's daddy #2." She knows this bothers me and she's so smart. She knows what to say to soothe me.

What does daddy #2 say about this? My ex is very domineering. If she tells him to call me with a message, he does. If she tells him to go to McD's for food, he does. I left her because of that but he seems to like it. Or at least he tolerates it. I don't think he really agrees with it because he is estranged from his own bio-daughter and as far as I'm aware doesn't get visitation. But he won't stand up to my ex. I should note that he has never been aggressive with me (mom has) and I sense he respects my role. Could be a mutual father thing. It's mom who gives me the most grief.

I'm not a step-parent, but, I am a step-daughter.. When I was 11 my mom got married to Dave.. (yes DAVE not Dad..) I suppose I have strong feelings about this because I remember how frustrating it was for me at your daughters age when my mom wanted me to call him dad..

Now Dave has been a wonderful part of my life overall.. He's really done a lot for me and genuinely cares about me.. through the years I've come to see that.. but in retrospect, though she meant no harm, I think she was passing on her own issues with him, about having a child with someone else, on to me.. (even though they weren't together..) Like if I called him dad, it somehow made it easier on her.. And in my opinion it had a really BAD effect on my relationshp with my step father.. It made me feel like I was being pushed to accept him in my life, pushed to somehow hold him higher than my own father (who wasn't really there all the time).. and inadvertantly it pushed me away.. I think had she let me deal with our situation in my own way, things would have went a lot smoother.. and we could have avoided the madness of my teenage years... And it was madness.. I think because I felt he was forced on me in the beginning, that made me go against everything he did or said throughout my teen years..

The one thing though.. I did always feel guilty in ways, because I never wanted my dad to feel like dave was my new dad... I had a LOT of guilt over the years... and it was needless... it really was..

So this is what you have going for you.. She's 11.. If she was younger this may be a bigger problem.. But she's old enough to see whats happening around her.. It kind of sounds like right now she's giving in to keep her mom happy.. and thats her choice.. but trust me.. if thats what it is.. your ex will have a lot of drama on her hands when your daughter turns 13.. Because when your forced to do something like that, people tend to rebel against it.. maybe its just human nature..

Just don't feel like or make her feel like she's choosing between you guys.. Cause the only person that sucks for is her.. She knows who her Daddy is, I promise you.. And no matter how she chooses to handle her mom and this whole name thing, it'll have nothing to do with her feelings for you, and everything to do with keeping the peace.. If she doesn't want to call him daddy, trust me that **** will stop.. lol.. and probably rather abruptly.. God I remember being in her shoes...

So my advice to you.. Even if you don't 'stay out of it', don't talk to your ex about it in front of your girl... It may make her feel like not only is mom upset, but you are too.. As far as your daughters concerned just let her know you love her and you'll be there for her no matter what.. and that you won't be mad.. Because in a few years you're going to get to sit back and watch your ex deal with an angry teenage girl.. lol... and trust me, if she's anywhere close to as strong-headed as I was on this subject... your ex has gonna have a lot on her plate..

This is just one of those things that have to run their course.. but dude.. this too shall pass..

Thank you oh so very much. What a truly enlightening message. You have answered so many questions with so few words.

I still have one that you'd be perfect for. Do you remember clearly, the events of those days? I don't need details, just do you have clear recollections of age 11?

I wish you the best Rae. You will be a wonderful mommy. In only a few days. I'll wait for the announcement in "Births/Birth stories".

In some ways my recollection is pretty clear.. but I guess it other ways it's not... Like, I remember more the spirit in which things happened.. and the emotional content.. Don't get me wrong I have crystal clear memories of that age but maybe not so much the order in which they occured.

It's strange you ask me that because I think 11 is when I started really remembering.. I've always noticed that everything before that summer is kind of a blur.. I have memories.. but nothing that sticks out. Now maybe thats just because it's the age when I sort of came out of my shell.. I met a lot of the friends I still have today around that time, maybe it's different for everyone.

Hope this helps.

It helps alot Rae. Good luck with your new baby.

why can't she call him..umm...Daddy R. or whatever the first letter of his first name is? I know someone that did that with their child's stepfather and it worked beautifully.

I know there is a huge dynamic and tons of emotions involved in all of this that I'm not addressing w/my post. But I saw your post and was immediately reminded of that person that I knew.

Anyways, just a suggestion.

As an adoptive dad, step dad, and a bio dad it does not matter to me what the step kids call me, if you can, talk to the step dad and maybe he can help. What she calls her step dad is less important than her emotional bond with you. I't never bothered me that my step daughters called me by my first name as that is what they called me before their mom and I were married. Your ex is probably trying to play head games with you, she will loose in the end with the bond you have with your daughter.

Thanks both of you. I have another thread started in open discussions which would answer your questions about talking. "the mountain I can't move".

Jayd and I are very close. That bond is strong. What bothers me is the idea that my daughter must "play house" to keep mommy happy. I don't push the issue. My daughter pays the price not me. I just wanted feedback to sort my own feelings out. Thanks.

Hello Everyone. My mother couldn't read or write when I was growing up she married quite a few times and I had alot of step-fathers we (Sister, brother and I) since our own father was out of the picture since we were younge were most likely desperate about having a daddy. We had one in the physical sence but all of our step-fathers were lacking in the supportive and guiding sence they were not good step fathers.

I think the problem with parents are children are not stupid they can tell when someone is bad not right but parents don't ever aske their child before getting married how they feel about it and what they would like to call this new person in thier life from the get go.

All you have to do is Respect that your daughter has HER feelings not yours not anyones elses and she will make up her on mind about what the new step father is to her. And to try to force her to feel or to think anything other than what she wants it to tell her, her emotions, thoughts and feelings are not worth respecting. Think how you would feel if someone made you feel this way no matter what your age. It is Important though to also teach her that Your feelings and Your new Husbands feelings are important as well and that you are going to respect her wishes however Your wishes need also to be respected.

Talk about the boundries that you all have how you and he expect to be treated and how she expects to be treated in YOU relationship Remember THIS IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP not hers that is the first boundry and YOUR RELATIONSHIP with your daughter is just that in repecting YOU she needs to repect your relationship with your new husband and He needs to repect your relationship with Her between time and repect She will be able to build a relationship with him and that will be thier relationship and will need to be respected by you. HOWEVER, this does not mean that she will not have to be disiplined if she does something wrong so you and your ex should talk about each situation a child can possiblly be involved in at her age and preplan her punishment as much as possible that way there will be no arument when a punishment is placed by either person and the daughter should be told that each punishment is agreed on it is done this way because Although she is your daughter her involment into any trouble causes conflict with YOUR REALAIONSHIP with him so therefore respect has been breached and both parties are in agreement on her punishment as well if there is something that she does that you to did not ever plan on happening then a TEMPORARY punishment should be placed and it should be stated to her that THIS IS A TEMP PUNISHMENT untill I can talk to your mother or till I can speak to FIRST NAME unless she wants to call him by a nick name.

that is what seemed to work with my Foster Parents and I. I still respect them to this day.

Wolftracks

Sorry I just noticed I said ex.. sorry I meant your new husband 4th paragraph line 9.. OK

Oh and also you should tell your Husband that You married him. She didn't and he should not get his feelings hurt about her calling him by his first name. Right now I think she is just a little unsure of how to cope with all the changes and as soon as things calm down a bit more and boundries are set. They may just be very close and she might just start calling him daddy after awhile. BTW it is also ok for your daughter to tell her father that he is making her uncomfortable with demanding she call him daddy just as she would be uncomfortable calling another woman mommy. Either she simply may not ever do it or proper repect will have her doing it in time.

those words are like saying I love you if you say it without meaning it they are just words but when you say them with meaning they are very powerful things.

I am in a relationship right now where my bf has a 3 year old son and I have an almost 8 year old little girl. My daughter never had her bio father in the pic until last August. She did however have a man in the pic whom she always called Daddy(he was there since she was 2 months old). What my bf and I have decided is that I am Shannon to his son and he is Reggie to my daughter. She has 2 daddy's that is more then enough and Christopher has a mommy (although she is rarely in the pic) Christopher has called me mommy and we have just corrected him by saying no I am Shania's mommy. Or pointing to a pic of his mommy and saying that is your mommy. I think that it is up to all parties involved including child on what the child calls a stepparent. Nothing should be forced on them.