Hi Step parents! I'm a newbie to the group. I am a Mom of 2 daughters 6 and 11 and a step son of 17.

My step son has always been around us for visits during the summer since he was 5 - however, his Mom thought that at one point he was getting too close to me and thought he should stay away - since he spoke about me so much to her.

Now let me get one thing out here. I've loved him since I first met him since he was my husbands child and it was a part of him. Before we got married, I was told I could not have children. So I was content in loving him as my own. Now, I've never did anything wrong to him nor went against his Mom or Dad - my place - has always been - if you and Mom and Dad can't work something out, I'll be there for you to help you all work it out. You can lean on me and my friendship and he and I have always been ok with this arrangement.

Since, she stopped him coming to visit - over the last 8 or so years, it's like he's a different person - and he's very quiet. My husband and I try very hard to welcome him and make him feel comfortable, get him involved with the neighborhood, and school. And for all of this he's settled, but, he hardly says a word to either of my children. We've asked them to make him feel welcome and they have tried on several occasions, but, he just doesn't want to open up. We've spoke to him about it several times, and he just says that's just the way I am. Yet, when he gets on the phone and talks with his friends in NY he won't stop talking and laughing, and being the kid I remembered. I just don't understand what is going on here? Is there anyone out there that's experiencing the same kind of thing? I am trying to find ways to help us bond as a family. But, not getting anywhere at all? Help!

SROBERTS

It sounds to me like there are two challenges which are compouding each other.

One is the fact that he was prevented, or discouraged from spending time with you and your husband. 8 years is a long time and during that 8 years it is hard to say what influence his mom had regarding his views towards you and your husband.

The other problem is he is a 17 year old. I went through a similar situation (I was the teenager). This is the time in life when kids are dealing with their own identitiy and feelings. they are trying to figure out their place in life. Kids tend to put more emphasis on friends rather than family and are generally more focused on their individual lives.

What you really need to do is make him feel accepted and loved at all times, but he needs to be allowed to be himself as well. With consistency and love he will eventually come around.

If things get really bad, consulting a therapist is always a good idea, even if it is just you and your hubby at first. I have always found them to be helpful

Doc

A little male input here if I may. He is not a boy. At 17 he is ready to explode on the world. He may prefer his friends for no other reason then adolescent male bonding. This is the rebellious stage in life and it sounds like he is controlling it. You don't mention any disrespect so I assume he's quiet yet distant.

And his mother has definitely influenced him. She did that when she cut him off from his extended family.

Do you're best to make him feel loved and comfortable and accept him. Acceptance at that age is so important.

Good Luck.

Why is he with you now ?
And how long has he been with you ?
And for how long is he planning to stay ?
I mean, all those questions don't necessarily need answers on here, but they are very important.

I agree with JD. Just keep making him feel at home and accept him for who he is. Make sure if he does talk that you do 99% of listening. He will come around. A lot of it maybe that he is 17. Kids have an uncanny way of knowing and finding the truth, he will realize if any games have been played and by whom.

Thanks so much for all your input! He's come around a little. One of his teachers sent me an email saying had minipulated a kid in his class to take on his role and he'd take on one smaller than assigned (Theater Arts) Well the teacher was quite upset when finding this info out. He rearranged the roles and gave him an even bigger part - one that required even more attention to himself also he had brought a cd player to school and shared it with a student - which he had to take away - after this, he became even more distant and somewhat rebelling in the fact he wasn't going to do it and that he didn't pick this class, it was given to him because it was nothing else to take. I reassured the instructor that it was our agreeement when he came, to do what was necessary in school - including the right attitude and effort and he'd cooperate and do the part as necessary then I told his Dad.

Well, he and his Dad got to the point where he was just not going to do it and he was going home. Well, need I say, Dad called me from home and I came home to help referee. Which as I listened to them both, I said, enough! Your'e going to listen to your Dad and Dad you're going to listen to him. He started to cry and a whole lot of old stuff came up as to why he left and why he'd not come to his school on father and son day, etc... well Marc has always been there for him and this I knew, in more ways than child support, and he just told him it was your mother keeping you from me and down here... well he didn't want to believe it, and finally after we went through all this old stuff, they both agreed to apologize and be there for each other.They hugged, cried and I think all that old stuff died that day... Thank God! Now, he's opening up more, little by litte, he initiates conversations now, he elaberates more on what happend during his day at school, he showing interest in learning about his Dad and his interests, and he's even complimenting his older sister - LOL! So, by the Grace of God and you wonderful patient advice, I think we are going to be ok. oh, yea, the play is Saturday, and we are all going - he's a little nervous - but, I think he's going to be ready. We are just so different from what he's been use to - seein no attention - to a lot of interest and attention on his life - in time, he's going to be fine. Just as crazy as the rest of us!

Oh yea, he's with us because he got in some trouble hanging out with some of the wrong types of friends.

So, his mother sent him to his Dad to get "straightend out" or fixed if you will, he's going to stay indefinitely... or at least for the next couple of years until he's ready to get a place on his own or go away to college?

In my heart, I beleive that he's going to be fine. Now, I'm just seeking ways to have us all bond together as a family. By supporting each other together in all we do... it's kinda hard - since I'm an only child. No experience in sibblings or large family lifestyles... But, I thank God for places like this to post. It truly helps gives one an outlet and hope for some new eyes on an old situation. Sometimes it helps to have a person on the outside of the fish tank to tell a fish what they really see going on in the inside.

Thanks again.

I'm sure we'll talk again soon.

Crazy is good, it's the best way to stay sane.