Hi there!
I am new to this group, basically in a nut shell.. I had my beautiful baby girl a year and 7 months ago in San Diego and my relationship with her father had always been very trying and somewhat emotionally abusive. I ended up leaving him which was basically his fault, and he had asked me to leave and moving home to Illinois where my family is.. I have been here over a year and have been trying to reconcile the relationship.. going to California for visits and such and though he claims he has changed, the verbal abuse is still being used from time to time.. he wanted me to move back to California until he could pay some debt off ( which I think is just a stalling technique, possibly just trying to get me there and keep me there) and then move as a family some day in the future.. I go back and forth with him on whether his intentions are real with me... I recently told him I couldnt handle yet another move and he is enraged and hurting.. I feel as though I have been holding onto this man for fear of being alone.. but, my "self" is damaged. I have no ambition to do anything, no real enjoyment anymore, no self esteem etc.. and I feel like I am falling into the abyss. Friends and family say that he is manipulating me and I spend my entire life trying to fix him. I know I need to cut the cord between him and I. I feel as if I am doing all the work to heal this broken relationship.. I am struggling and looking for strength from you wonderfully strong parents who were able to move on and be at peace with yourself. I wish I was stronger and could get my life together for my baby girl. I am just scared to death to make that step into being alone, the single mom. I am hoping someone out there has some words of wisdom on how to move on.......

Well since you're in a different state than he is you're already alone. If he's still verbally abusing you in any way then you need to go ahead and cut off all contact with him. I wouldn't leave a family support system to be with a man who isn't even sure he wants to be with you in the first place.

Don't sell yourself short. Trust me you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your child has to come first and being in a bad/abusive relationship isn't healthy for her even if he is her biological father.

One of the few pieces of good advice my mother gave me growing up was that you have to love somebody for who they are instead of what you want them to be. If you're loving him hinges on him changing then you don't really love him at all. You love what you want him to be.

Thank you so much, you are absolutely right about me loving what I want him to be. and he obviously hasnt proven to me anything about being that nice loving man that I so want for my daughter and I. He has let us go and then continues to blame me for taking his child away.. which was never my intention in the first place. I guess, coming from divorced parents I wanted so badly to not go down that route with my daughter but, the pain and exhaustion he causes me is overbearing at times. I wish I could find that strength.. I am sure if I just get myself out there and meeting people and finding a wonderful job, I too can make it and be a strong woman for my daughter. I just cant handle his phone calls where he tears me apart and says he is ashamed to be a father cause he cant be around his daughter and look what I have done to his life..... Its hard to hear that over and over again... I thank you so very much for your help and words of strength. It really helps to know that I am not alone and not crazy! I just want happiness for myself and most importantly the little angel who I am so blessed to have.....

Hi JennZoe,
Welcome to the forum.

AMY was right on with that info...:: pats AMY on the head::

Let me add that you should keep all of your contact, should you choose to keep in contact, in writing for a while.

Also, if you're havent already thought of it, find some type of personal counseling. You'll hear that advice repeated a lot around here.

Good Luck, and once again, Welcome.

thanks so much paulj! I really do appreciate your kind words.. I hope to find some personal counseling soon. I hope to gain more strength as well from the welcoming, and great people in this group.
Thanks!

Welcome to SFV

I looked at your MY Space pics and if this guy is not treating you nice then dump him.

Paul is right do everything in writing as it will give you emotional distance, my ex is a control freak and hates that I wont talk to her but put things in writing. It will also help if he tries for any kind of visitation.

Do you get support? If not go for it now.

Hello. I'm so sorry to hear about the problems you are having. Keep a few things in mind. First of all, being a single parent is hard, but living with an abusive man is harder. Second, the biggest trap with emotional abuse is that the abuser sets out to make you feel useless and afraid. That's why you're scared to move on. If he is being even a little abusive to you on the phone while he's trying to win you back, then imagine how he'll be in person once he's got you away from your family.

I think the best thing for you would be to stall for quite some time. You dont have to make any explanations to him about that-just that you're not ready. It's really important that you get some counceling. You need someone to talk to besides him or your friends and family who can help you sort through all of this and help you come to a decision, or rather the strength to make the decision that you already basically know you need to make.

And you will find a lot of support here. I learn something every day from these fine single parents.

Good Luck to you.

First and foremost, welcome to SFV. This is a great place to come for help and support.

I would just like to sate first and foremost that being "alone" is not as bad as we fear it to be. I have been co-dependant for years, and I have found that being alone is somewhat of a blessing. I have found that I no longer have to deal with all those little "quirks" that perturbed me to no extent.

I wuold also like to add that if he is still being abusive in any form, he has not changed as he is claiming. Keep your head up and don't settle for less than you deserve. Even though you feel that you would like him to be a part of your daughters life, I would venture to say that ANY abusiveness, regardless the nature, would be unwelcomed.

As far as him saying that he is ashamed to be a father.....that disgusts me. He may have reasons for feeling as if he is not an active part of his childs life, but to say that he is ashamed....There is PLENTY that he can still do to be a good and responsible father. He can still support his daughter, be there in her time of need, give financial assistance, just numerous different things. Being a father is not determined by your location, but by your attitude. Do you think that the mothers and fathers that are in Iraq feel ashamed that they are parents? If he truly feels that way, then he, in my opinion, is not a father to begin with.

-J

Wow you all are really great and reading all of your advice and kind words makes me actually smile and feel as though some of the pain in my stomach is being eased a bit more. You all make so much sense and you are all absolutely right and it is so nice to have some support instead of my daughters father constantly telling me I am crazy or just putting me down for feeling anything that isnt his way... I try to contact him via email because he just gets too irrate and there is just no use in speaking to someone who is that enraged. I know I dont deserve this and thats why I cant believe I continue to take this from him. I actually had it set in my mind that I would just be with him and be miserable just to have our "family" together... But I honestly feel like a failure. I have just lost sight of everything that matters to me and I truly believe that continuing to speak to the wonderful people here will give me more strength to move on... I know it will be tough to begin with but, as you said trey's daddy that it might just be a blessing and a relief to just care for me and my daughter and not some mean person who hurts me.... Oh I could go on for hours, I should have been on here a looooong time ago! So forgive me if I keep on venting on here but, it is so nice to get it out! THANK YOU ALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!

Dont worry..this IS "Vent Central"

quote:

Originally posted by jennzoe:
I actually had it set in my mind that I would just be with him and be miserable just to have our "family" together... But I honestly feel like a failure. I have just lost sight of everything that matters to me and I truly believe that continuing to speak to the wonderful people here will give me more strength to move on...

I have been there. There are so many feelings when you find yourself suddenly alone that you are unsure how to cope with. I know that it is hard, but you will soon come to find out that you are much better without him. Once you rediscover YOU, and you become comfortable being you, things will start falling into place.

As far as feeling like a failure, all you have to do to rectify that is look at your beautiful daughter. She is the blessing that will always be there to remind you just how important and valuable of a person you are. She needs and relies on you, and without you she would be lost. Even if you feel that you haven't managed to accomplish anything else in your life, you have still managed to be a mother. That is a FAR more important job than almost any other.

I hope that you enjoy your stay here and find some help and guidance from our "wisdom" (I use that term very loosely LOL). If it weren't for the people here, I would be found sitting in the corner of an ally murmuring incoherent phrases, picking my nose, and wondering who really shot JFK. Thankfully, I have eluded that path and am taking the higher ground, and hopefully you will be able to do the same.

-J

quote:

If it weren't for the people here, I would be found sitting in the corner of an ally murmuring incoherent phrases, picking my nose, and wondering who really shot JFK.

Ha Ha I feel like I might find myself there somedays!!!! It is very hard to finally realize what you have been doing to yourself, your life and I just kinda shake my head like a cartoon character who just got hit with a frying pan and think what the heck have I done??? I do feel blessed everyday when I look at my baby girl... my god could I love anything more?? She is my ray of light that keeps me going! And what a funny little character she is too.. 19 months old and chattin up a storm! It is so much fun to be a parent!
I thank you again, really, I cant explain how much tension has left me since I have started on here just this afternoon!!!!

quote:

Originally posted by jennzoe:
[....
I thank you again, really, I cant explain how much tension has left me since I have started on here just this afternoon!!!!

and to think...We havent even broken out the Margaritas yet! LOL

Ooooh Margaritas!!! I'm game! It's been a while since I had a night off for one of those!

just reading and wondering what has been going on!! Sounds very similar to what I have been through X2. I have only gotten stronger from everything and you can be a single parent and be out on your own. The first time I was 23 with my 2 boys ages 3 and 1. Its like when something big like this happens you just kind of grow up and know what you need to do. I knew what I needed to do to get out and be able to make it and it just happens and works out. I have recently done it again but my 3 and 1 year old are now almost 13 and 11 and I now have added a 2 year old and 4 year old. You just get fed up and know that the relationship is not right and is not going to change and get better. Something pushed me over the top and I made sure I figured out with work what hours I was going to need to be able to make rent and other bills. It takes a lot of planning but it also seems like it also just fell into place on its own.