Hi! My name is Meggin. I am from Redding, CA. I am 20, and recently became a single mom. I have a son, Elijah who is 13 months old, and an unborn baby boy, due February 22, 2006. I left my fiancee of the past 2.5 years recently for his lack of attention to our family.
I feel very alone at this point in due to my ex being really all I have known. He drained my savings, and my credit is no longer good. I feel like I am so alone at this point, because I love him so much, but I refuse to let myself and our boys be subject to his lack of attention anymore.
He has threatened to screw me over in court, if I even try to take him to court. And he says that if I move down south (where my mom is at), that I am the only one holding the boys back from knowing their father.
I don't understand how someone who used to be so caring and loving to me, turned into such a mean manipulative man!
I'm frustrated, and feel lost in all that I do! I hope to gain some insight from women who know what this is all about! I look forward to getting to know you all!

:welcome:

I am so sorry for your situation. Don't let your ex get to you. Good luck!

You are both so young. Maybe he isn't as mature as you. You did the right thing. You shouldn't stay with someone who is mean, absent, and manipulative. Try to remain civil for the sake of the children. Do you still love him? Is there any chance of reconciliation? Can you go to counceling? Just some things to think of.

He's almost 25...and I feel like I am more mature then he is! Patching things up...MAYBE. Just maybe. He has a lot of things to change before I let him even consider that we can be a family again. Counseling...maybe. I've been wanting to do that for the past year, but something seems to always come up. Our insurance only covers single sessions, not couple sessions. So we're in the rut of finding something affordable!

Don't settle. Maybe get some counceling, but don't stay if you think this will never get better. I stayed for 10 years, I should have left 8 years ago.

Don't give up. Hope is what keeps us going so ALWAYS think positive and don't EVER lose confidence in yourself.

I don't know what kind of a guy your ex is, but if he's anything like mine, you are all your boys have. Basically, you have no choice but to work hard and be the best mom you can be. I hope you don't trap yourself into playing the victim role. That will get you nowhere. Take it from me. I was with my ex for 8 years - had my first boy at 20 and second at 25. I'm now 32 and (kids are 7 and 12 now) we are doing great. He's never given child support and doesn't have a relationship with these two beautiful boys we have but I never let that hold me back from our God given talents (which we all have!).

I really empathize with what you are going through cuz I was such a young mom myself. But the difference between successful single mothers and the "not-so-succesful" ones is one thing: our ATTITUDES.

You sound like a very mature young lady and I'm sure you'll make wise decisions for you and your kids. Good luck!! (I live in Southern California, in La Crescenta. Not sure if you know this area but I noticed you said your mom lived down south)

My Mom lives in Atascadero. I know my ex will be involved with the boys. That's one thing I know for sure, he isn't going to ditch us. He has a daughter from a one night stand with a total stranger, and he took the women to court in order to be in his daughter's life (the women wouldn't let him see the child). So I know I can always count on the child support, and him being invovled with the boys. But I don't think he's ready for the family commitment. Get what I mean? I mean he's a decent guy, that I will always love, he just had kids at a young age, and it all kind of piled on him quickly, rather then gradually. Our boys are only going to be 16 months apart, and our oldest son, and his daughter are only 9 months apart (we found out about the other women being pregnant after we started dating). So fatherhood sort of jumped on him. He went from partying, to not partying. But it still isn't an excuse for him to ignore his family!

No, you are right. Just remember to put your babies first. Don't let any man, even the father get in the way. It hurts, but be strong and work hard and you will better off. Never talk bad about your ex to the children. Let them know always it is not there fault. You have to deal with alot of adult issues for someone so young. Hang in there. Coming to this sight will help you through this difficult time. It helped me.

You will get through it. You just need to stay close to your family and your friends. I got pregnant by my boyfriend at the age of 19. I then found out that he was still using drugs, even though he told me he was not, so I left him. I did not even know for sure that I was pregnant at the time I left him. I have never looked back. At times, it has been rough financially, he has never paid me a penny, but, with the help of family and friends we have been able to make it. I live with my parents and I am 34 and my daughter is now 14 and a freshman in high school. I am currently working on my Bachelors Degree and will complete that in May of 2006. I will then go on to school to do my teacher credentialing program. I am going to be an elementary school teacher. I am grateful for all the support, I have received over the years and continue to receive even today. BTW, Feb. 22, is an awesome day!! That is MY b-day!!

Chocolates! Hats off to you. I love hearing about other people's success stories. Stories like yours is such an inspiration. I too was pregnant with my ex at 19 and I found out he did drugs soon after. At first I thought it was limited to marijuana (which I know to some people isn't considered drugs but I had never been exposed to things to this nature) but later I found out he was into hard drugs. Over the years, we split on and off. But then he really put his act together for a whole year (no drugs, abuse, etc.) which is why I decided to have our second child. As soon as I got pregnant, he went back into his old ways. Probably thought I'd never leave him again cuz now we have TWO. I divorced him a little after my second turned 1. I am now 32, kids are 12 and 7. I've never received help from anyone. Not that my loving family wouldn't. Just wanted to do it on my own. Worked my behind off for 4 years after my divorce and finally bought our first house last year. I've definately had my financial ups and downs but I was surrounded by lots of encouraging people and stayed away from the ones that brought me down. We are doing well and life is so beautiful again.

Chocolates - I'm sure you're going to make a great teacher. Where in California are you?

My mom has opened up her home to me, but she lives so far down south. I have a good job up here with awesome medical insurance. It's the whole job security thing. I want to go back to school, but don't know how I am going to juggle everything! I guess I got spoiled by my ex, because when I moved out of my parents, and we started dating, he had a very good job, so I was taken care of nicely. Now it's me been taking care of everything, and it's frustrating, because I was so used to having that luxury.
I want to move to my mom's, but I don't know if it's pride or something. I know my mom won't say "told you so", but I've always been a disappointment in my mom's eyes. I've never done anything right for her to be happy about. Now it's like, she's opened her arms for me to come live with her, and she will help out every way possible, but I feel like I am not doing anything for myself, even though I know I would be doing a lot, such as going to school.
I think the other thing that is scary is going through court and such with the ex. Giving the kids up for holidays, etc. Maybe that is me being selfish, but I grew up in a divorcd home, and I remember how hard it was because my parents lived a long distance away from each other.
I don't know. I think it's a mix of pride and being scared.
*sigh*

Meggs, I wanted to check in and see how you were doing. Hope things have gotten a little better for you.

LOTS OF THINGS HAVE HAPPENED THESE PAST FEW WEEKS. I DECIDED TO MOVE TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, AND STAY WITH MY MOM FOR AWHILE, UNTIL I AM ABLE TO MOVE BACK OUT ON MY OWN. THIS WILL GIVE ME A CHANCE TO SAVE ALL THE MONEY I RECIVE FROM DISABILTY, AND THE CHILD SUPPORT I WILL HOPEFULLY START RECIEVING SOON. MY EX HAS PROVEN TO ME THAT HE DOESN'T WANT OUR FAMILY TO WORK, SO I FIGURED WHY SHOULD I STOP MY LIFE SO IT'S EASIER FOR HIM TO BE INVOLVED WITH OUR BOYS. I HOPE THAT DOESN'T SOUND TOO COLD! BUT HE WAS CONTINUING TO HANG OUT WITH THE 17 YEAR OLD GIRL THAT I ASKED REPEATEDLY THAT HE STOP HANGING OUT WITH...AND ALL HE WOULD TELL ME IS THAT HE IS A GROWN MAN, AND HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS. IF THAT'S THE ATTITUDE HE WANTS TO HAVE, THEN SO BE IT. BUT I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE HIS LIFE EASIER, WHEN ALL IT DOES IS HURT ME.
I TALKED WITH A LAWYER YESTERDAY. HE'S NOT SURE IF MY EX WILL GET OVER NIGHTS WITH OUR OLDEST SON. I HAVE NEVER SPENT A NIGHT AWAY FROM HIM, AND MY EX HAS NEVER HAD HIM BY HIMSELF OVER NIGHT. SO THAT MIGHT WORK IN MY FAVOR. THE LAWYER SAID HE PROBALLY WON'T START GETTING OVER NIGHTS TILL HE'S ATLEAST 3 YEARS OLD. THE LAWYER ALSO TOLD ME THAT THE VISITATION WITH MY OLDEST, AND THE NEW MUNCHKIN (EDD 2/2006) WILL BE DIFFERENT BECAUSE HE WILL NOT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED WITH THIS CHILD EVERY DAY OF HIS LIFE, WHEREAS WITH OUR OLDEST, HE'S BEEN THERE FROM DAY 1.
I DISCUSSED HYPHENATING MY SON'S LAST NAME WITH MY LAST NAME, AND HE DOESN'T SEE ANY REASON WHY THE COURTS WOULDN'T ALLOW IT. ESPECIALLY SINCE I AM JUST ADDING A NAME, NOT CHANGING IT TO A TOTALLY DIFFERENT NAME. SO THAT WAS NICE TO HEAR!
AT THE MOMENT, I HAVE SET UP A PHONE VISITATION BETWEEN OUR SON AND HIS FATHER. SO WE'LL SEE IF HE STAYS CONSISTENT WITH IT. I AM LOGGING EVERYTHING.
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO THE COURT ROUTE, AND ALL THAT. BUT I THINK IT WOULD BE FOR THE BEST. THAT WAY EVERYHTING IS TAKEN CARE OF AND WRITTEN DOWN. SO THERE IS NO CONFUSION ABOUT ANYTHING. PLUS, IF MY EX STARTS SLACKING OFF ON HIS OBLIGATIONS, THEN I CAN GET HIM FOR CONTEMPT. I'M NOT WILLING TO LET HIM DO TO OUR SON WHAT HE DOES TO HIS DAUGHTER. I AM NOT GOING TO PUT UP WITH A HALF-ASSED FATHER, WHEN I KNOW HE IS CAPABLE OF SO MUCH MORE!
OKAY...THIS GOT LONG. SO THERE'S THE UPDATE! THANKS FOR CHECKING IN ON ME!

Hey Meggs, welcome to SFV. Good luck in everything. Stand up for urself and ur son!!

Welcome!!! and Welcome to California

Hang in there, this is a great place to find people going thru similar situations - and get advice and support!